Category: lifestyle change

Random Musings on Grief

On By ellenbessoIn Grief, lifestyle change2 Comments

Like everything in our world, grief is energy. It gives us information. In grief the existence of every emotion is possible.

Grief is missing our Person. It affects us in unimaginable ways… A hole has been created within us…an emotional hole and a loss of identity, the identity that is part of our personhood. This produces the body-brain issues, the change in brain chemistry, hormones, etc.

The lungs are the main organ to hold grief according to my TCM doc, although not exclusively. My lung grief affects my shoulders, in turn affecting my arms and so on. At times it tires me and my shoulders sag. Then I need to rest.

As that area of my body releases more over the months, the shoulder sagging has become rare. The other evening I noticed a bit of sagging after being awake and up for twelve hours, a vast improvement.

Alone after 43 years with my soulmate, I have a fear of disappearing… to myself and to others. Part of me really has ‘disappeared’…my old identity.

I feel vulnerable, there is no one to look out for me. It’s ironic in a way…I’m fearful that I can’t do it, live without Don…even though I have been managing successfully for several years.

Covid has changed people’s perception of time it seems. Somehow the “covid culture” of alienation, combined with my protective body-mind grief dissociation, makes everything seem odder.

We never know how grief is going to show up. Shulman, a neurologist, said after losing her soulmate: “I expected [the planned trip] to Greece to be unbearable sadness, but it wasn’t…It was profound instability…Losing bearings, losing identity, losing your coherent self.”  

The disorientation of deep grief is an altered state where our minds strain to make order out of unfamiliar events, Shulman goes on to say. As the months went on, and my brain rewired itself to a new normal, my mind became much clearer.

I resisted the idea of having a psychic reading with my friend Alma for thirteen months after Don left us, sensing she would tell me something I did not want to hear. I was right. Alma told me Don wanted me to let go of my sadness.

We are well aware that grief doesn’t work that way, we can’t just decide to let go of it.  

The next day as I prepared food in my kitchen, Alma’s words came back to me and I became angry. Alma was the messenger, it was not her I was angry with, it was Don. I remember quite clearly saying “Screw You” to him as I stood at the kitchen sink.

My anger helped shift me forward. Later I explained to him that things worked differently “down here” from the energetic environment that was now his home.

Guilt was an occasional visitor in the early days and still occasionally, but I did not let it take hold of me. “I must have done something wrong for Don to become so ill and die was the thought that crossed my mind. “This is not your fault”, he told me, and I wrote it in red in my journal.” What Don said sunk in deeper at that point in time.

To me the guilt and “if onlies” are just an extension of my magical belief that if we could redo our life we would gain time and would have many more years together.  

When grievers have experienced multiple traumas in their lives as I have, growing a new life is a complicated task sometimes. The negative experiences that were held at bay to a degree during our lives with our soulmates come to the forefront now. Additionally, I believe that my soul is releasing past life experiences as I move forward spiritually.

Excerpted from a work in progress, Working title: Then: When my Life Fell Apart

C Ellen Besso 2025

Who’s in Charge? Lessons from the Universe

On By ellenbessoIn change, detachment from outcome, lifestyle change, Positivity2 Comments

Within the mayhem of our planet my own personal micro chaos has been taking place.

The Universe has conspired to teach me many lessons lately. From a toxic neighbour to two failed real estate deals…it has come home to me in a stronger way that I am not the one running the show.

For two years I have lived next door to a demanding neighbour. Our doors are set in a 90 degree corner from each other. Being a fair and accommodating person, I had not realized how stressful it was living in such close proximity to this woman until, due to a strata issue, my neighbour verbally attacked me.

Although my place has a lovely view, the apartment itself has never been right for me. I had not thought previously of moving but the disturbing “event” with my neighbour propelled me into taking a look at quite a different unit in another part of our complex, one that has more privacy and is more like a small cottage.

My friend Joe became my agent. We rushed to prepare both offer and selling contracts and to get my place ready to go on the market. We were after a quick purchase and rapid sale so no short term mortgage would be needed. “We’re selling the view”, Joe said. (Unfortunately the view of the Gibsons harbour and North Shore mountains was obscured by wildfire smoke that week, but we would make do, using the pics from two years ago when I purchased the property)

Pictures of the inside of my place were taken and our offer made, but the very morning my place was to be listed, the other unit was taken off market. We did not find out why, until later, when we were told that the seller had lost the big old house she wanted farther up the Sunshine Coast.

Now that deal had gone south and she was bidding on the big house again, with her apartment here going back on market.

“Everything’s ready, let’s go for it”, said Joe. But this time he repeatedly cautioned me to keep emotions out of it.

You can probably guess what happened next…There were multiple offers on the big house, and my “seller” lost out on it yet again. I felt for the woman.

“We are being asked to loosen out grip on plans, timelines and outcomes. The Universe is shifting pieces behind the scenes…Stay open, receptive and willing to step into alignment when the door opens.” April Ripley wrote on her facebook page.

I think that should be my new motto, not an easy challenge.

My Lessons: Detachment both with the neighbour and to the outcome of buying the new place. Strong boundaries with the neighbour…I’ve been too fair and too nice for too long.

The whole thing was too rushed, but there were reasons for this exercise relating to letting go of outcome. Each time we moved farther ahead in terms of readiness to move.

Hopefully it will happen next year. Now I wait…and I purge my home!

Turning Corners – 5th Anniversary

On By ellenbessoIn change, Grief, kundalini awakening, lifestyle change, spiritual awakening, Widows2 Comments

Fifth anniversaries can be turning points in our lives. The lead up to the fifth anniversary marking my soulmate’s transition to spirit on August 7th, 2020 has been long. For weeks I’ve been aware that it is coming and it feels quite different from the others.

It will be my first time on my own, without daughter or friends around me, after various celebratory gatherings and prayers or quiet time with our daughter the other years.

This is my choice. In some ways the fifth year feels anticlimactic. In other ways it looms very large on the landscape of my life. My forward movement is accelerating and I sense there will be no looking back now.

My body is unbalanced, with migrating pains. First my right shoulder, now my hips/low back. I believe the pain relates to the anniversary, my continuing kundalini awakening journey and most of all to the powerful planetary conditions allowing our spirits to heal. Currently the annual Lions Gate Portal is open, from July 26th, peaking August 8th. It interests me that Don chose to leave the planet at the peak of this portal time.

I have begun two rituals that will be completed that day, the first a large Vision Board of intentions moving forward, the second a small memory box symbollizing our past.

This month is not just about Don’s transition to spirit. Our wedding anniversary is ten days after that and the birth and death of our first child is sandwiched in between.

It is a special time of remembering, unique. During this time of growth, of movement to higher dimensions, many of us are revisiting and releasing very old memories from our past, both of this lifetime and past lives. In a way lifetimes are converging.

Post Script: On Thursday August 7th I spent a lovely day, alone for the most part, speaking to my somatic counsellor, walking in the beautiful woods in Upper Gibsons, resting, and later dining with my friend in the Greek Restaurant we have all enjoyed for many, many years.

Love & Light

Ellen

The Tree

On By ellenbessoIn change, Grief, lifestyle change, Nature, Spirituality in Action1 Comment

Beside a quiet lane in the small town of Gibsons, a beautiful pine tree grows at the bottom of our former garden. The tree is 50-60 years old.

Over the years this special tree has been the focus of many events, both celebrations and grief. During the years I hosted our Net of Light/Grandmothers womens’ group we did empowerments and drummed around the tree.

Immediately upon hearing that my daughter’s dear friend had taken her life, I went outside and hugged that tree. I did not consciously do this, another part of me walked me out there. That’s where Don found me, and together we slowly walked around the neighbourhood, while we let this devastating news settle.

When our dear old dog passed away his funeral took place there in that tiny woods. We named Blackie’s shining qualities, tossing bits of paper with the words into the grave where he lay at rest, wrapped in my red terrycloth robe. Our wonderful next door neighbours attended, with Brian playing two songs for us on his small bagpipes, while Michele stood at the back with babe in arms, not wanting to intrude.

Yesterday evening during our Dark Woods of Grief Support Group, called “Grief and Praise”, we opened with a long somatic guided meditation, working with trees. Going into the group I felt very tired, most of us seemed to be. I sensed I was still processing the wonderful outdoor jazz music from the day before through my energy system. I continued with the next part of the group, the writing portion, but only part of me was present. I chose to exit the session before our breakout sharing groups, sending a chat note to let everyone know I was leaving.

Immediately after the meditation I became aware that this remarkable tree in our garden held unforgettable memories for myself and many friends. The session was complete for me at this point. This was the reason my soul had guided me to this particular group on this night.

I am very grateful for this opportunity to recognize and to process, then release the deep emotional significance of the tree.

Melaque Magic Update

On By ellenbessoIn change, Grief, lifestyle change, Positivity, spirituality, The Earth, travel, Widows3 Comments

“This is what you came here for, to change your life”. The Grandmothers

On the plane to Mexico on January 9th a strange thought crossed my mind: “I’m going home”. “What, I just left home”, I said to myself. I did not know what was coming but the magic began that very evening on the beach.

While most friends seemed to appreciate my profound experience of the first evening, when Don subtly emerged through the beach portal in West Melaque, I felt something was missing.

The spiritual experience of that evening set the tone for the next two months. The healing energy of the sand and water, listening to and performing music, meeting Mexican families and making new friendships all came together to catalyze my internal change.

My days settled into a comfortable routine: My morning ritual was a walk on the Malecon boardwalk followed by coffee under a beach umbrella, served to me by the lovely Tito, owner, along with his wife, of Tito’s Place, where everything began the night of my arrival. The sound of the waves hitting the shore and the fascinating soaring birds transported me.

Reviewing my journal notes from spring 2024, I noticed my guides had told me that my first solo Mexican trip that winter “was the start of a massive change”. The latest trip, I now realize, was a transcendent experience.

“A transcendent experience, however you arrive at it, is like a portal that opens, inviting you to walk through”, Anita Moorjani, known for her powerful near death experience, writes. Once opened, it never closes, Moorjani goes on to say, so the clarity of wisdom never disappears.

As my time in Melaque drew to an end it felt like time to return home, although I was not fully ready to leave this special place, the backdrop for transformation, where I discovered a sense of peace within.

Never have I experienced such a long and laborious re-entry from travels, not even after my first trip to India, where I have lived many past lives. This was a different experience, not so much an awareness of having lived in Melaque in the past as it was simply being caught up in the special energetic flow of the area.

During Don’s and my visit to the town in 2001 we made two brief visits to Tito’s for margaritas. Tito remembered Don from that time when he saw his picture. Because of that long ago time in Melaque I felt compelled to return this year and it proved to be an experience of deep healing. The peace I found there allowed me to dive deep into myself.

My open mic singing, (somehow encouraged by Don during the portal experience), was an important part of my spiritual shift in Mexico, and it took starting to sing open mic at the Legion here in Gibsons to finally bring me full circle, back to my permanent home.

A curious thing happened during my first Legion visit. Since I was nervous, I decided to pretend I was in Melaque, walking into the Legion, ordering a mug of Mexican draft beer and settling myself in the song circle.

My song choices were pieces I had sung in Mexico, “The Rose” and “They Call the Wind Maria”. I gave it my all, and received positive feedback from the other musicians. It was almost like I transferred my experience of singing in Mexico and the confidence and the energy of it to this new venue.

This week we sang The Rose at my ukelele group, and although not soloing, I had a similar experience…as if I was somehow channelling the energy of Melaque into and through the song.

Don came to the Melaque beach to help me move forward…to open more to life, I sense. He was very much with me in that beach community the entire two months I was there. His encouragement to take my music seriously helps me with my overall change.

Yet another level of our physical separation occurred, catalyzed by the portal experience. Our energetic soul connection will never be severed after many lifetimes together.

Melaque was not a “time out of time” experience, it was my life for two very real months. It cannot be reproduced…it can, however be built upon, a new starting out point for me.

“Buenos Dias”

On By ellenbessoIn change, lifestyle changeLeave a comment

Finally, I managed to squeeze a blog out of myself! Everything seemed to pale after the experience of my first night here. I have tried a few times to no avail, but this morning, I felt the muse while sitting over my coffee here on the beach at Tito’s restaurant, where it all started. 

The town of Melaque is a typical Mexican Town in the sense that it is quite traditional. Although built up since our visit in 2001, it is not gentrified like Barra de Navidad around the bay. Even in 2001, we found Barra too chi chi for our liking and shifted to Melaque, where we secured a room in a Mexican hotel right on the beach for fewer pesos per night. 

 I go into the Town Center two or three times a week. It’s a good 20-minute walk, longer for me, hard on my body, and since I do not ride a bike, I take taxis when I go, at a cost of $15 Canadian round trip, including a generous tip.

There is a somewhat wider selection of food in the Town Center than in the Beach restaurants, but I’m still not able to get the amount of vegetables, etc, that I aim for on my new, cholesterol-lowering diet. 

I see my Gibsons’ friends, who have rented a beautiful house at the far end of town from time to time. They are struggling with repeated injuries, mostly from falls off their bicycles, incurred while riding on the bumpy cobblestones! 

Volunteer work has been challenging to find, as was the case last year in Bucerias. I don’t follow the common methods like paying an organization to volunteer. What is that about? We always ask ourselves, both here and in India.

I branch out on my own, seeking individuals and small organizations that may want my help. Two sessions of ESL with our hotel housekeepers were good… challenging for them as they have no English, and it was hard to book times. One of them has left now, so that is over. Fun while it lasted. 

My second volunteer job is at CENAC, the Western, almost one woman run Art Center in town. I have been in once to send a group thank you letter to donors who have contributed to the building of a second story upstairs, a valuable goal as it will offer more art and dance options to children from all economic stratas as well as adults.

That volunteer job is also a challenge; the manager is spread very thin and quite disorganized. 

I spend some time with my American friend from Texas and hotel folks, but I prefer to be alone on the beach as much as possible, soaking in the healing spiritual energy of the portal that is centered here at the west end of Melaque Beach.

So there you have a glimpse of my current daily life – more to come as I continue to unravel the past and the future.

75th Birthday Signpost

On By ellenbessoIn aging, lifestyle change, WidowsLeave a comment

“The old version of Ellen is finished and the new version is seeing the future” said the beautiful healing goddess Maureen during a remote session with me one year ago. Thus began a new part of my journey to single life.

During my coaching training with Martha Beck many years ago we learned that the unconscious works through symbollism. Being witnessed by friends and family as I celebrated my 75th Birthday felt quite important to me, and once I remembered this unconscious relationship, I knew that the party would be a significant symbol of shifting into my new life as an older woman flying solo.

My birthday conveniently fell on a Saturday. Twenty-five family and friends, old and new, gathered to support me and mark this special occasion. I felt honoured and loved. Due to the smaller space in my new home I had to make some hard decisions about who and how many folks to invite. Several of my new Marina Place friends were happy to join us.

My self imposed challenge now is to continue to build on this phase of my new life, now that I am rebounding from my deep grief of three and a half years…to continue to grow my communities where I live, through my newly discovered love of ukelele group, to pick up my writing where I’ve left off, and of course to continue to travel.

Setting a loose structure for my days is important to my growth and happiness. Now that spring has arrived, leaving the apartment sooner for walks is a pleasure.

Letting in what is on offer…allowing myself, from this new perspective, to experience and enjoy my expanded horizons feels uplifting.

Love & Light

Ellen

Copyright 2024 Ellen Besso

Ellen Besso is a retired Life Coach, Counsellor & an energy worker. She is the author of An Indian Sojourn: One woman’s spiritual experience of travel & volunteering, and Surviving Eldercare: Where their needs end & yours begin, both available through Amazon. Ellen is currently working on a book about her partner’s illnesses, his transition to spirit, & the many forms of contact they have had since Don left this planet.

Maiden Voyage

On By ellenbessoIn lifestyle change, travel, Widows2 Comments

Rebound: “To recover from setback “…” To improve”…To spring back as if on collision”

The last definition is most fitting for me. When you lose your soulmate you are in an ongoing collision. Your collision with death has caused a collapse of life as you know it…your entire existence is in question.

In September of 2022, shortly after the second anniversary of Don’s departure, I achieved sudden clarity about selling our longtime family home. My intention was so clear and strong that a friend sensed it as she passed by the house on the back lane. Thus a new leg of my journey to rebuilding my life began.

The fourth year of flying solo was taken up with this decision, as I prepared the house for sale and searched for a new home. Nine months later, two months before the third anniversary, I moved into my new place, a cozy suite with a view of the Pacific Ocean and North Shore mountains, in an intricately designed Over 55 strata, just one block from our home.

That summer my friend and I began making plans for a winter trip to a small Mexican town north of Puerto Vallarta. My search for suitable accommodation was stressful as my shopping list was quite specific. After several weeks of networking with helpful Mexican folks, I was able to book a suite in a small casita in the centre of town for one month.

This lovely home away from home proved to be exactly the right place for me during this, my maiden voyage to Mexico, as my friend was unable to join me due to a physical setback. The other residents of the casita were friendly and welcoming, the women supportive of my situation. Bucerias was the right choice, both safe and familiar as we had visited the town several times over thirty years.

Days passed slowly in the relaxed atmosphere of the casita and the town with afternoons often spent by the pool and occasional trips over the nearby bridge to the brighter, busier Mexican part of town, where I met another solo traveller from the interior of BC. Three other widowed folks arrived at our small casita over the weeks I was there and their friendliness and shared experience was a comfort.

At times I felt sad, but the warm, congenial atmosphere of the town embraced me, and I was happy to be there. My daughter’s arrival the fourth week was a welcome interlude.

On my return home I recovered slowly from a flu caught in week three. It was a healing crisis as well, I sensed. As my counsellor suggested, I was always aware on some level that Don was not by my side in Mexico, and I felt this manifested in the sickness/healing crisis.

Not one to be easily deterred, I feel strongly about continuing my winter trips to Mexico, an important part of my new life, giving myself at least three winters to establish a base, make friends and volunteer. I will go farther south next year, to Melaque, a place we enjoyed twenty years ago. Although changed over time, it is quieter and somewhat more traditional. I found a colourful Mexican hotel that resonates with me and have booked in for two months next year. Synchronicity is at work once again; one of the men in my complex just returned from spending three months at that hotel, his third year there!

Love & Light

Ellen

Copyright 2024 Ellen Besso

Ellen Besso is a retired Life Coach, Counsellor & an energy worker. She is the author of An Indian Sojourn: One woman’s spiritual experience of travel & volunteering, and Surviving Eldercare: Where their needs end & yours begin, both available through Amazon. Ellen is currently working on a book about her partner’s illnesses, his transition to spirit, & the many forms of contact they have had since Don left this planet.

Holidays Past & Present

On By ellenbessoIn Grief, lifestyle change, Spirit Contacting Us, spiritualityLeave a comment

This fourth Christmas has hit me harder, for multiple reasons.

Healing energies are slowly overtaking the dark ones I am told by my friend who is psychic, and from recent astrological information. Things seem to be turning on a dime for many of us. Recently my changes have been rapid.

It’s difficult for me to stand outside myself and see how far I have come since Don left us three plus years ago. Now, with my readiness to initiate many things, the gap between my current life and the life I lived with Don is widening. 

While positive, this is also sad for me.

The messages I have received the last few days from the Grandmothers and other guides have reinforced and encouraged my growth.

One message said “Coming back to myself”. I have been doing this, reconnecting with me ever since Don’s transition. Now over time and with deep processing my relationship with myself is growing.

The second message was a powerful one: “I am in my place” the spirits told me. Soon after receiving this I made the link between it and the messages the Grandmothers gave me through Sharon in the Spring of 2021. They said that Don, our daughter and myself were in exactly the right place for our evolution.

On some level I always sensed that this was our path but it hasn’t made my life any easier. Now I am able to understand in a knowing way that I am doing well, my progress has been substantial over the last years despite my continuing grief.

Moving to a new home was an enormous step, disconcerting. I lost my safe place, cradled within our beautiful home of thirty years. Now, after six months my new place with its friendly community and view of Gibsons harbour and North Shore mountains is beginning to be home.

I feel I am at a turning point and my time away in a warm place in the new year will enhance this sense of moving forward.

I wish all of you a heartwarming holiday season.

Love & Light

Ellen

Copyright 2023 Ellen Besso

Ellen Besso is a retired Life Coach, Counsellor & an energy worker. She is the author of An Indian Sojourn: One woman’s spiritual experience of travel & volunteering, and Surviving Eldercare: Where their needs end & yours begin, both available through Amazon. Ellen is currently working on a book about her partner’s illnesses, his transition to spirit, & the many forms of contact they have had since Don left this planet.


 

Soulmate Grief – 3 Years In

On By ellenbessoIn change, Grief, lifestyle change, Uncategorized2 Comments

Moving forward while simultaneously grieving is my new life. After the second year anniversary I had a clear knowing that selling our family home was the right thing to do. Prepping and selling the property was a four or five month job, making a 65 year old house appealing to the right buyers.

A few weeks before our home went on the market, I purchased an apartment with a view one block away from our house in Lower Gibsons – after coming full circle from my fixation of moving to Upper Gibsons for a fresh start. At some point I slowly stopped visuallizing living in Cedar Gardens, stopped driving up there, stopped seeing the movers, in my minds eye, carry my belongings out the front door of the house and drive into the driveway of the place in Upper Gibsons. Other forces took over…I know that my dear Don, with help from many other spirits, worked hard to redirect me down the hill to our old neighbourhood, near our friends of 33 years, the ocean and shopping area.

I had seen the apartment I eventually purchased months before, I liked itbut did not w ant to live in the over 55 complex or so close to home. The view of the ocean and the mountains from the windows did not impress themselves upon me until much later.

After going through that process, I purchased the lovely apartment and sold the house a couple of weeks later, to the first couple who saw it. All conditions were off just a week after that. The new folks feel blessed to have the beautiful property with its enormous coniferous trees and flower gardens and the small, well cared for house with it’s lovely wooden floors. Everything flowed, including the move a couple of months later.

While the adjustment has been great, I have landed in the right place, surrounded by friendly people, new friends and still in my own neighbourhood. Oddly, or perhaps not, everything is the same in the community except I have moved down the street, however, the area feels strangely off kilter, surreal.

Travelling will be a little simpler now, I’ll lock the door, have a friend check the plants, and freely enjoy myself.

Ellen

Copyright July 17, 2023

Ellen Besso is a former Life Coach & Counsellor & is an energy worker. She is the author of An Indian Sojourn: One woman’s spiritual experience of travel & volunteering, and Surviving Eldercare: Where their needs end & yours begin, both available through Amazon.