Category: Grief

Tears are Healing

On By ellenbessoIn change, Grief5 Comments

“Grief is good. “It deepens you and makes you one with the earth”.

The Grandmothers Speak, A Call to Power.

For many years my intention has been to empty myself of what is no longer needed. This intention and the energy work and self examination that went with it has helped me develop. However I seldom cried as I was not permitted to. “Don’t cry or I’ll give you something to cry about” my harsh father taught me at a young age. So I didn’t.

That changed when my soulmate Don transitioned to spirit three years ago. After Don left I was in shock for many months, too numb even to cry. Then the profuse crying began, despite the antidepressant I took for the first time in my life. These drugs may buffer the releasing, I’m not sure. Crying is seemingly my main route to healing now.

In our society we are taught to control our emotions, to lead with our brain, but the body never lies. We know it but we deny it…deny our physical feelings, then our intuitions and emotions. “…the way you feel in your heart, in your guts, is the truth” says Miguel Ruiz.

Our Net of Light retreat ended on October 1st and I am still processing it. The depth of the work we did has meant that chiropractic and acupuncture sessions received afterwards went to a new level, a different place within me. Cataract surgery three weeks later was very successful, but took it out of me in many ways.

My crying is my body releasing grief and old material from a cellular level. From my current soulmate loss, previous trauma in this lifetime and from past lifetimes.

We all follow our own path in healing. Many people experience body grief, (unexplained physical, emotional and physiological effects of deep loss). I am very somatic, (feel things in my body), so my body grief may be greater than that of some folks.

Our bodies hold the memory of everything. Memories, including personality traits, can be stored in individual cells or organs, not just in the brain. Heart transplant studies have shown changes in the personality of heart transplant receivers, favouring the personality of the donor. “As the brain has a memory, the heart also does” says A. Hashim et al in their book Heart Memory & Feelings.

Will I ever empty myself and become a tabula rasa?…a clean slate in the sense of a free creative spirit? Perhaps not, however once begun the process continues. My seeking is changing me, bringing me to new places inside myself and new opportunities in the outside world.

EIGHT BENEFITS OF CRYING from medicalnewstoday.com

  • Lowers BP
  • Oxytocin & endorphins released may ease physical & emotional pain
  • Parasympathetic Nervous System is activated & helps relaxation
  • Crying may rally social support (although not big in our society)
  • Enhances mood
  • Releases toxins
  • Aids falling asleep
  • Fights bacteria by releasing lysozyme, a powerful antimicrobial
  • Improves vision by release of basal tears that have a cleaning effect

** Note: It could be depression if no reason & crying is uncontrollable **

BOOKS:

  • The Body Keeps the Score – Bessel Van Der Kolk
  • The Body Remembers – Babette Rothschild

Love & Light

Ellen

Copyright 2023 Ellen Besso

Ellen Besso is a retired Life Coach, Counsellor & an energy worker. She is the author of An Indian Sojourn: One woman’s spiritual experience of travel & volunteering, and Surviving Eldercare: Where their needs end & yours begin, both available through Amazon. Ellen is currently working on a book about her partner’s illnesses, his transition to spirit, & the many forms of contact they have had since Don left this planet.

Last Christmas Dinner 2019

My Soulmate Died – Excerpt from WIP

On By ellenbessoIn change, Grief, Spirit Contacting Us, spirituality1 Comment

PROLOGUE

In late 2018 signs began to appear that all was not as it should be. Don began to have short fainting spells, usually after craning his neck or bending up and down. These dissipated after our family doctor told him to drink water first thing in the morning to stabilize his blood pressure, something I had always emphasized after overnight dehydration, not aware of the blood pressure link. Don had spoken of short term memory issues for some time, however he was able to engage with people in his usual upbeat way.

On an unconscious level I knew something was wrong, that something was “coming down the pipe.” And I’m sure Don did also.

We had a year’s reprieve, during that time we celebrated our joint 70th birthdays with close friends on a warm May afternoon, the actual day of my birthday and seven months after Don’s. A month later we took a very special trip to Toronto, our birthplace, Don’s last visit. I hadn’t been there for 19 years myself and we revelled in seeing friends and family, and for me, staying in the neighbourhood my parents grew up in in, called The Annex.

The reason for the trip at this time, and the highlight of it, was visiting our closest Tibetan friends, Doctors of Tibetan medicine, and their three children, in Downtown Toronto. The Mom and kids had arrived from India only 10 days before, after the Dad spent three years settling in and waiting for his family.

Less than six months after this trip the bad news began. An Alzheimers diagnosis that should have come a year earlier, late due to medical neglect and our distraction, confirmed Don’s worry about his failing short term memory in November of 2019.

After our usual large Christmas gathering with friends from five different countries we went to Mexico for five weeks, our last trip together and Don’s last Christmas. The trip was different from our usual ones, stressful because of a couple of odd health issues on Don’s part and my determination to maintain Don’s Alzheimer’s program, meant to maintain his equilibrium.

Two and a half months after our return in mid February of 2020 we received Don’s cancer diagnosis, several masses in his abdomen and metastasis in his liver. Don was terminally ill. Our daughter, myself, other family members and friends were in a daze as things went rapidly downhill from there. Don left us ten weeks later.

He began to contact me almost immediately. “I had to leave”, [my body], he told me when he appeared to me at our bedroom door two days after his physical death. I “saw him” dressed in his blue India travelling pants and his new Mexican shirt. Since that time he has contacted me in almost every way possible for spirits to connect.

Now our connection is more subtle usually, except on special days. Don was very present during the recent Net of Light retreat in New Mexico. Both my friend and I were aware of his tall presence in the session room.

“You’re living on a different plane now”, Sharon McErlane from Net of Light told me after Don’s physical death. My chiropractor and friend, a wise Parsi woman said virtually the same thing: “Your marriage is in a new dimension”.

I have continued to slowly heal and rebuild my life in many ways over the past three plus years, digging deeper into myself, seeking grounding and spiritual support.

Love & Light

Ellen

Copyright 2023 Ellen Besso

Ellen Besso is a retired Life Coach, Counsellor & an energy worker. She is the author of An Indian Sojourn: One woman’s spiritual experience of travel & volunteering, and Surviving Eldercare: Where their needs end & yours begin, both available through Amazon. Ellen is currently working on a book about her partner’s illnesses, his transition to spirit, & the many forms of contact they have had since Don left this planet.

Retraining Our Brains

On By ellenbessoIn Grief, Widows1 Comment

“During periods of grief the human brain undergoes a process known as neuroplasticity, in which the brain rewires itself in response to emotional trauma” Widows Empowerment Trust

Moving one block away from our home has been surprisingly disorienting for me. Although I can walk the same routes on the streets I’ve walked on for 30+ years, the neighbourhood seems different.

Across the road from Marina Place is the beautiful forest trail of living breathing trees as well as the fallen nurse tree skeletons. I go there daily, it’s short but healing, bringing me out onto Harmony Lane not far from our home. I occasionally walk by our family home, either at the front or on the back lane, conditioning myself to the new reality.

A couple of days ago I picked up a book from “Gramma’s Wee library”, a birdhouse shaped library on a nearby street. This book was a rare find…it was bound backwards. All the pages were there but the reader was forced to read from back to front, similar to Japanese books.

My 🧠 brain did not know how to do it, once I even found myself attempting to read a page from bottom to top, I was so confused! By half way through the book I had adjusted fairly well.

How does this fit with grief and its accompanying brain changes? Grief is like a cerebral accident and upsets our brain chemicals and hormones, affecting every part of us, from muscles to organs. Our brains are rewired, resulting in mood changes, brain fog, extreme tiredness, forgetfullness and so on. “The emotional trauma of loss results in serious changes in brain function” says Lisa Shulman.

Our brains create neural maps to keep track of our relationships, Deborah L. Davis tells us in a Psychology Today article. When our partner dies, our brain must redraw it’s neural maps, making new connections. Very Slowly new maps are drawn.

This mammoth job can take years to complete. We’re triggered often because our brain is stuck in old modes. In my case the depth of my grief at losing my soulmate of many lifetimes has brought up other unfinished business, pain that was buffered by our loving, supportive relationship. This has resulted in depression of my vital energy and grief bursts over the past three years.

I read recently that the authors of a survey found 38% of the Americans surveyed were still grieving intensely after three years, especially with partner or child loss.

My grief bursts have not stopped me from moving forward with my major move and with new and refreshed projects over the past few months, however they are interfering with my life in the sense that they are exhausting and affect my sense of self…my confidence.

This week I chose to re-start Prozac, a small dose in a liquid form that can be adjusted frequently (30% of the “average” dose). Looking back, I think the grief crying bursts began again when I eliminated the Prozac completely, after decreasing it for one year.

My philosophy towards the medication is different this time. I do not see taking it as a failure to cope, a stigma or a breach of my holistic philosophy, rather as another tool, along with many others, to help my brain as it rewires itself and I “grow around my grief”, as Tonkins says, building a new, satisfying life.

https://www.sueryder.org/how-we-can-help/bereavement-information/support-for-yourself/how-long-does-grief-last

Love & Light

Ellen

Copyright 2023 Ellen Besso

Ellen Besso is a retired Life Coach, Counsellor & an energy worker. She is the author of An Indian Sojourn: One woman’s spiritual experience of travel & volunteering, and Surviving Eldercare: Where their needs end & yours begin, both available through Amazon. Ellen is currently working on a book about her partner’s illnesses, his transition & the myriad contact they have had since Don left this planet.

Widowhood Year 4 – What Now?

On By ellenbessoIn change, Grief, WidowsLeave a comment

There is no going back, I can only shift forward. The move from our family home was an enormous one on all levels. It took up the entire third year. The final decision was made early in the first month of the third year. My friend Judy, who lives nearby, tuned into my decision by walking past the back of the property on our lane.

Purging began in December, the fourth month, before the pause for Christmas preparations, and early January saw me thoroughly engaged in this practical, extremely emotional task. My friend Wendy took three loads of excess belongings to the Community Services thrift shop for me and I began tossing junk outside, preparing for the first of two big dump runs, the last one the very day before the house went on the market in late March.

The move and this fourth year flying solo without Don has brought a fresh onslaught of grief, the two events indistinguishable from each other. “Moving is a distraction” said my counsellor Heidi. I agreed. The move over and the physical settling in done, space opened for more grief to be processed.

“I just want it to stop” I said to my acupuncturist a month ago. She suggested I go back on a low dose of antidepressant, but I said no as it took me a year to detox from the liquid Prozac. So she researched & found a Spirit Tonic for me, to help with the emotions and the deeper exhaustion. Over a very few days it helped move me along, physically releasing and emptying more grief from my body, then it tipped me over into grief bursts, (sudden crying spells).

There are many grief models and they don’t all agree. The best model is a self developed, personal plan…what each grieving woman or man has found through their experience to be their grief process.

There is no order to the stages of grief, we flip back and forth between them. I found a good article about the depression stage, the longest and hardest time. I fit some of the criteria, however I am high functioning, I do not isolate or stay in bed. Many people are depressed and high functioning, my daughter reminded me.

People who know me well are fooled by my positive presentation and starting/re-starting of projects. They see me moving forward, seemingly upbeat when we meet. I even fool myself! Until I spiral into sadness, blunted emotions; loss of meaning and crying.

The bright light at the end of the tunnel is acceptance of our loss, something that seems distant and ephemeral. I am working on acceptance of Don’s physical departure, it is slow and I am making good progress. I have come a long way in the past month or so.

Mary Francis, Sisterhood of Widows recently posted a blog that segues nicely with this one. https://sisterhoodofwidows.com/2023/08/07/you-are-not-alone/

Please Note: Photo is used by permission of Simon Matzinger

Ellen Besso is a retired life coach/counsellor, published author, energy worker and practitioner of yoga and Deepak Chopra meditation.

Ellen’s books, An Indian Sojourn: One woman’s spiritual experience of  travel and volunteering and Surviving Eldercare: Where their needs end and yours begin, can be purchased through Amazon. She is currently working on a Grief Memoir about the loss of her long time soulmate, Don, incorporating the story of her partner’s physical downturn and their soul connection since his physical departure.

Ellen

Copyright 2023

Third Year Anniversary – A Different Celebration

On By ellenbessoIn Grief, Spirit Contacting Us, WidowsLeave a comment

It took me many weeks to decide how to spend the third anniversary of my dear soulmate Don’s transition. The days immediately after Don’s passing were marked by healing Tibetan Buddhist prayers on our deck, followed 10 days later, the day of our 43rd anniversary, by a small garden celebration, sharing remembrances and breaking bread together, after strewing Don’s ashes on the Pacific Ocean. Several weeks later we gathered some of the same people and added a few more folks for a Divine Love prayer gathering on Al and Jeanne’s front lawn. (We were originally planning a large outdoor staggered arrival drop-in celebration, but August 2020 was covid days and it didn’t feel right. It really wasn’t Don’s style anyway, to be feted in that way. The first and second anniversaries celebrated and honoured Don and surrounded our daughter and myself with love at our home.

At last I settled on a simple Divine Love prayer in my new home. It is now the third year, so no remembrances of Don this time. The medium could not attend as he was away and another member of the original “Gibsons Home Group” was returning from the US the day before and he needed down time afterwards.

Seven women, including our daughter, met in my living room on a lovely afternoon, several arriving with flowers from their garden. We began by each of us acknowledging the pain of the planet and the suffering of our many relatives, friends and acquaintances. A woman who is quite sensitive to spirit, to Don especially seemingly, felt his jokey energy, and suggested we set a chair in the circle for him.

The entire time we prayed and received the healing energies Don stood tall and powerfully beside me on my right, appearing as he had in body, supporting and helping me receive the energies. The other woman “saw” him too. His energy presentation was stronger than ever, very grounded, a most serious energy this time, one of his many forms of animation. He reminded me of the ring I wear, the stone a gift from Don, Hanuman the Monkey God, fierce protector.

We closed the afternoon by visiting and sharing snacks, before parting.

Love & Light

Ellen

Copyright 2023 Ellen Besso

Joint 70th celebration in May 2019, (Don's was the previous Oct. 8th)

Widowhood – 3 Years In

On By ellenbessoIn Grief, WidowsLeave a comment

People who don’t know a lot about grief think that by three years, a griever has “recovered”, finished grieving her soulmate, and is well on her way towards a “new” life. The surface can appear deceptive…Having completed my move out of the family home into a lovely over 55 complex only one block from our family home, I appear quite settled in my new apartment with its view of the Gibsons’ Harbour on the Pacific Ocean and the North Shore Mountains in the background.

I am developing a volunteer music singalong program at the local Assisted Living place in Upper Gibsons, have re-started my blog and am planning two trips.

Before this I had ideas and made plans in my head, but could not put them into action. I now have motion, and also clarity, as my dear friend Urszula notes.

However as the highs get higher, the accompanying lows are more painful. I delve deeper into myself and my life…seeking to process and release all the old wounds that have arisen as I engage my true path.

As I move further into my new life I am plagued with a kaleidescope of strong emotions…going “up and down like a toilet seat” as my funny mother used to say…different from one day to the next…even one hour to the next.

In moments when I feel that I’ll be stuck in this never ending grieving loop forever, I remind myself to engage with spirit…to remember what my guides have told me “We have a plan for you…This move is just the beginning…”

It is a setup for my future.

Love & Light

Ellen

Copyright 2023 Ellen Besso

Ellen Besso is a retired Life Coach, Counsellor & an energy worker. She is the author of An Indian Sojourn: One woman’s spiritual experience of travel & volunteering, and Surviving Eldercare: Where their needs end & yours begin, both available through Amazon. Ellen is currently working on a book about her partner’s illnesses, his transition & the myriad forms of contact they have had since Don left this planet.

Another Heroic Task of Widowhood Completed

On By ellenbessoIn Grief, Widows1 Comment

My most recent, heroic widow’s task completed, I move on to my next. The move was a large scale one. Our family home was purged, packed and prepared for sale during the first six months of this year. Hedges were trimmed, decks power washed, old appliances replaced. Staying in our lovely home, with all its memories was no longer an option; in September of 2022 my spirit clearly told me it was time to leave.

The process was painful…every item had powerful memories attached to it after our family lived 33 years in Gibsons on the West Coast of Canada and I spent 43 years with my dear soulmate Don, until his transition in August of 2020. Separating from the large, treed property was harder than moving out of the house. I am intimately connected with each plant in the yard; some flowers were there when we arrived and others I planted over the years.

The young couple who bought our place feel blessed; they are exactly the right people to live there I felt as I turned it over to them. Our home and property is in good hands.

The move smoothly completed and my new home arranged, I now rest before my next heroic task. Becoming (relatively) settled two months before the third anniversary of Don’s transition is a good and healthy thing. I feel it in my bones and gut.

It took me a while to feel into what my soul needs to do on August 7th, that very special day. We celebrated Don many times soon after he left us and gathered friends at our home for the first and second anniversaries, as suggested in Alan Wolfelt’s soulmate book. We will mark the day this time with a quiet prayer-meditation gathering of local DLSF folks in my living room.

We journey on together.

Love & Light

Ellen

Copyright 2023 Ellen Besso

Ellen Besso is a retired Life Coach, Counsellor & an energy worker. She is the author of An Indian Sojourn: One woman’s spiritual experience of travel & volunteering, and Surviving Eldercare: Where their needs end & yours begin, both available through Amazon. Ellen is currently working on a book about her partner’s illnesses, his transition & the myriad contact they have had since Don left this planet.

Soulmate Grief – 3 Years In

On By ellenbessoIn change, Grief, lifestyle change, Uncategorized2 Comments

Moving forward while simultaneously grieving is my new life. After the second year anniversary I had a clear knowing that selling our family home was the right thing to do. Prepping and selling the property was a four or five month job, making a 65 year old house appealing to the right buyers.

A few weeks before our home went on the market, I purchased an apartment with a view one block away from our house in Lower Gibsons – after coming full circle from my fixation of moving to Upper Gibsons for a fresh start. At some point I slowly stopped visuallizing living in Cedar Gardens, stopped driving up there, stopped seeing the movers, in my minds eye, carry my belongings out the front door of the house and drive into the driveway of the place in Upper Gibsons. Other forces took over…I know that my dear Don, with help from many other spirits, worked hard to redirect me down the hill to our old neighbourhood, near our friends of 33 years, the ocean and shopping area.

I had seen the apartment I eventually purchased months before, I liked itbut did not w ant to live in the over 55 complex or so close to home. The view of the ocean and the mountains from the windows did not impress themselves upon me until much later.

After going through that process, I purchased the lovely apartment and sold the house a couple of weeks later, to the first couple who saw it. All conditions were off just a week after that. The new folks feel blessed to have the beautiful property with its enormous coniferous trees and flower gardens and the small, well cared for house with it’s lovely wooden floors. Everything flowed, including the move a couple of months later.

While the adjustment has been great, I have landed in the right place, surrounded by friendly people, new friends and still in my own neighbourhood. Oddly, or perhaps not, everything is the same in the community except I have moved down the street, however, the area feels strangely off kilter, surreal.

Travelling will be a little simpler now, I’ll lock the door, have a friend check the plants, and freely enjoy myself.

Ellen

Copyright July 17, 2023

Ellen Besso is a former Life Coach & Counsellor & is an energy worker. She is the author of An Indian Sojourn: One woman’s spiritual experience of travel & volunteering, and Surviving Eldercare: Where their needs end & yours begin, both available through Amazon.