Category: Grief

Random Musings on Grief

On By ellenbessoIn Grief, lifestyle change2 Comments

Like everything in our world, grief is energy. It gives us information. In grief the existence of every emotion is possible.

Grief is missing our Person. It affects us in unimaginable ways… A hole has been created within us…an emotional hole and a loss of identity, the identity that is part of our personhood. This produces the body-brain issues, the change in brain chemistry, hormones, etc.

The lungs are the main organ to hold grief according to my TCM doc, although not exclusively. My lung grief affects my shoulders, in turn affecting my arms and so on. At times it tires me and my shoulders sag. Then I need to rest.

As that area of my body releases more over the months, the shoulder sagging has become rare. The other evening I noticed a bit of sagging after being awake and up for twelve hours, a vast improvement.

Alone after 43 years with my soulmate, I have a fear of disappearing… to myself and to others. Part of me really has ‘disappeared’…my old identity.

I feel vulnerable, there is no one to look out for me. It’s ironic in a way…I’m fearful that I can’t do it, live without Don…even though I have been managing successfully for several years.

Covid has changed people’s perception of time it seems. Somehow the “covid culture” of alienation, combined with my protective body-mind grief dissociation, makes everything seem odder.

We never know how grief is going to show up. Shulman, a neurologist, said after losing her soulmate: “I expected [the planned trip] to Greece to be unbearable sadness, but it wasn’t…It was profound instability…Losing bearings, losing identity, losing your coherent self.”  

The disorientation of deep grief is an altered state where our minds strain to make order out of unfamiliar events, Shulman goes on to say. As the months went on, and my brain rewired itself to a new normal, my mind became much clearer.

I resisted the idea of having a psychic reading with my friend Alma for thirteen months after Don left us, sensing she would tell me something I did not want to hear. I was right. Alma told me Don wanted me to let go of my sadness.

We are well aware that grief doesn’t work that way, we can’t just decide to let go of it.  

The next day as I prepared food in my kitchen, Alma’s words came back to me and I became angry. Alma was the messenger, it was not her I was angry with, it was Don. I remember quite clearly saying “Screw You” to him as I stood at the kitchen sink.

My anger helped shift me forward. Later I explained to him that things worked differently “down here” from the energetic environment that was now his home.

Guilt was an occasional visitor in the early days and still occasionally, but I did not let it take hold of me. “I must have done something wrong for Don to become so ill and die was the thought that crossed my mind. “This is not your fault”, he told me, and I wrote it in red in my journal.” What Don said sunk in deeper at that point in time.

To me the guilt and “if onlies” are just an extension of my magical belief that if we could redo our life we would gain time and would have many more years together.  

When grievers have experienced multiple traumas in their lives as I have, growing a new life is a complicated task sometimes. The negative experiences that were held at bay to a degree during our lives with our soulmates come to the forefront now. Additionally, I believe that my soul is releasing past life experiences as I move forward spiritually.

Excerpted from a work in progress, Working title: Then: When my Life Fell Apart

C Ellen Besso 2025

Joy – Guest Blog

On By ellenbessoIn change, detachment from outcome, Grief, PositivityLeave a comment

“When we’ve been there ten thousand years, bright shining as the sun” – amazing grace 

I am here

I am here

I’m still here

Each moment is what we have 

How to detach to remain present

The magic is there

In you

Any way you find the magic 

Magic joy and peace 

Is our birthright  

You can go to the edge of the world

You can look down at all the green

the central question now

How to find the peace joy magic in this chaos

Joy is fire

Joy is revolution

Joy is resistance 

We can hold both

One in each hand

Or,

Some of each in both hands

Grief/joy

Pain/peace

Magic

It certainly seems to me that the bad and good are greatly magnified

Now

We sit in the margins 

Balance

Stillness 

Energy

Embracing duality is a/the necessary skill

 tightrope 

No one and nothing is all good or bad

We are here 

C Bronwen Besso-Smith 2025

Turning Corners – 5th Anniversary

On By ellenbessoIn change, Grief, kundalini awakening, lifestyle change, spiritual awakening, Widows2 Comments

Fifth anniversaries can be turning points in our lives. The lead up to the fifth anniversary marking my soulmate’s transition to spirit on August 7th, 2020 has been long. For weeks I’ve been aware that it is coming and it feels quite different from the others.

It will be my first time on my own, without daughter or friends around me, after various celebratory gatherings and prayers or quiet time with our daughter the other years.

This is my choice. In some ways the fifth year feels anticlimactic. In other ways it looms very large on the landscape of my life. My forward movement is accelerating and I sense there will be no looking back now.

My body is unbalanced, with migrating pains. First my right shoulder, now my hips/low back. I believe the pain relates to the anniversary, my continuing kundalini awakening journey and most of all to the powerful planetary conditions allowing our spirits to heal. Currently the annual Lions Gate Portal is open, from July 26th, peaking August 8th. It interests me that Don chose to leave the planet at the peak of this portal time.

I have begun two rituals that will be completed that day, the first a large Vision Board of intentions moving forward, the second a small memory box symbollizing our past.

This month is not just about Don’s transition to spirit. Our wedding anniversary is ten days after that and the birth and death of our first child is sandwiched in between.

It is a special time of remembering, unique. During this time of growth, of movement to higher dimensions, many of us are revisiting and releasing very old memories from our past, both of this lifetime and past lives. In a way lifetimes are converging.

Post Script: On Thursday August 7th I spent a lovely day, alone for the most part, speaking to my somatic counsellor, walking in the beautiful woods in Upper Gibsons, resting, and later dining with my friend in the Greek Restaurant we have all enjoyed for many, many years.

Love & Light

Ellen

The Tree

On By ellenbessoIn change, Grief, lifestyle change, Nature, Spirituality in Action1 Comment

Beside a quiet lane in the small town of Gibsons, a beautiful pine tree grows at the bottom of our former garden. The tree is 50-60 years old.

Over the years this special tree has been the focus of many events, both celebrations and grief. During the years I hosted our Net of Light/Grandmothers womens’ group we did empowerments and drummed around the tree.

Immediately upon hearing that my daughter’s dear friend had taken her life, I went outside and hugged that tree. I did not consciously do this, another part of me walked me out there. That’s where Don found me, and together we slowly walked around the neighbourhood, while we let this devastating news settle.

When our dear old dog passed away his funeral took place there in that tiny woods. We named Blackie’s shining qualities, tossing bits of paper with the words into the grave where he lay at rest, wrapped in my red terrycloth robe. Our wonderful next door neighbours attended, with Brian playing two songs for us on his small bagpipes, while Michele stood at the back with babe in arms, not wanting to intrude.

Yesterday evening during our Dark Woods of Grief Support Group, called “Grief and Praise”, we opened with a long somatic guided meditation, working with trees. Going into the group I felt very tired, most of us seemed to be. I sensed I was still processing the wonderful outdoor jazz music from the day before through my energy system. I continued with the next part of the group, the writing portion, but only part of me was present. I chose to exit the session before our breakout sharing groups, sending a chat note to let everyone know I was leaving.

Immediately after the meditation I became aware that this remarkable tree in our garden held unforgettable memories for myself and many friends. The session was complete for me at this point. This was the reason my soul had guided me to this particular group on this night.

I am very grateful for this opportunity to recognize and to process, then release the deep emotional significance of the tree.

Kundalini Update

On By ellenbessoIn change, Grief, kundalini awakening, meditation2 Comments

Once kundalini begins to awaken, it starts to “bulldoze” all your systems including your emotions, in order to clear blockages in body-mind-soul, to infuse you with a higher energy level, Leyla Lampi, a Swedish Psychologist writes. This description is very accurate, and honours the difficult pathway that kundalini awakeners often face.

Nine years is not an excessive length of time for a long term kundalini awakening, I recently read. Symptoms of my spontaneous awakening were noticeable in the spring of 2016, with energy coming into my neck through my occiputs, creating a need to rest and support my neck.

I did not have a name for what was happening for some time, knowing only that higher energies enter through the space between the occiputs, as taught by my first meditation teacher at the Self Realization Centre here in Gibsons. I researched on my own and realized it was a spontaneous kundalini awakening.

Kundalini rising is activation of the life force that is stored in the base of our spine. Kundalini energy uses a lot of prana or chi as it is transforms the body, including the brain. My 2019 articles explain both my own process and the awakening process in general.

My background and spiritual longings predisposed me to this experience. Spontaneous awakening can occur in people who have a strong soul desire to progress spiritually, and who are meditators and/or have experienced trauma and/or intense energy work.

Only recently did I realize that this process began within a year of my participation in multiple Divine Love Sanctuary Foundation prayer evenings, a profound experience that combined the gentle influx of powerful energy with channelled messages brought forth by Al Fike.

As we continue to progress through stages of kundalini, the surge of nervous system energy can exacerbate existing symptoms and various other symptoms may re-appear, coming and going. For example, crying, antsy, anxious feelings, heightened sensitivity to people and surroundings, up and down sleep patterns.

Previously dense and deep, there have been many shifts over the past couple of years. It is processing in a different way now, softer and nearer the surface. At this point I feel that the kundalini and I are working together instead of me feeling attacked by it. My strong sense is that the energy is intertwined with the powerful forces entering the planet over the last few months, with rare astrological occurrences that have not been seen for 100 or more years.

During my months in Mexico I noticed that while the kundalini visits came and went, coming on randomly, their nature and quality changed due to the major healing and releasing I experienced there. My sense was I was experiencing fewer blocks and my intuitive daughter agreed.   

Over the past couple of years I received strong intuitive messages to stop participating in Divine Love prayer sessions and monthly Divine Love related distant healings offered by friends. Last year I began Sahaja Kundalini Yoga Meditation, recommended by my chiropractor, a long time practitioner. Although the small amount of guided work I did helped me shift energy, it was much too strong.

I recently read that healings like this stimulate the spine, activating the kundalini. The chiropractic and acupuncture treatments I receive also do this, however I feel they benefit me structurally, (chiro) and balance my meridians (acupuncture).

All these powerful healings were stirring me up, and in the case of the Sahaja Yoga, deliberately causing the energies to rise towards my head chakra. This is counterproductive for me as my challenge is to remain grounded. That’s why I do the medical chi gong Microcosmic Orbit frequently throughout the day.

Fortunately I have begun working with a Somatic Counsellor recently, whose Dark Woods of Grief site I “discovered” while surfing the internet a few months ago. She has given me the language to describe my needs…the ones my intuition wisely helped me with. “Some people need to be activated”, Josea said, “You need to be contained”. That is why most energy modes are too much for me at this time, now that my nervous system vibrates in a different, more sensitive way.

Timing is everything in life. I have begun my work with Josea and the team at a time when my kundalini journey is more productive, in the sense that the blocks have lessened. It wouldn’t have been as helpful when the energies were very dense and deep. I am ready now. Although the experience is still challenging often, I experience occasional surges of energy moving up my spine to my head, and sometimes tingles or pings that show me that the kundalini is opening, flowing more, taking me closer to a life of joy and ease, with deeper connection to spirit.

I just found this Myree Morsi’s site: – excellent kundalini information

Melaque Magic Update

On By ellenbessoIn change, Grief, lifestyle change, Positivity, spirituality, The Earth, travel, Widows3 Comments

“This is what you came here for, to change your life”. The Grandmothers

On the plane to Mexico on January 9th a strange thought crossed my mind: “I’m going home”. “What, I just left home”, I said to myself. I did not know what was coming but the magic began that very evening on the beach.

While most friends seemed to appreciate my profound experience of the first evening, when Don subtly emerged through the beach portal in West Melaque, I felt something was missing.

The spiritual experience of that evening set the tone for the next two months. The healing energy of the sand and water, listening to and performing music, meeting Mexican families and making new friendships all came together to catalyze my internal change.

My days settled into a comfortable routine: My morning ritual was a walk on the Malecon boardwalk followed by coffee under a beach umbrella, served to me by the lovely Tito, owner, along with his wife, of Tito’s Place, where everything began the night of my arrival. The sound of the waves hitting the shore and the fascinating soaring birds transported me.

Reviewing my journal notes from spring 2024, I noticed my guides had told me that my first solo Mexican trip that winter “was the start of a massive change”. The latest trip, I now realize, was a transcendent experience.

“A transcendent experience, however you arrive at it, is like a portal that opens, inviting you to walk through”, Anita Moorjani, known for her powerful near death experience, writes. Once opened, it never closes, Moorjani goes on to say, so the clarity of wisdom never disappears.

As my time in Melaque drew to an end it felt like time to return home, although I was not fully ready to leave this special place, the backdrop for transformation, where I discovered a sense of peace within.

Never have I experienced such a long and laborious re-entry from travels, not even after my first trip to India, where I have lived many past lives. This was a different experience, not so much an awareness of having lived in Melaque in the past as it was simply being caught up in the special energetic flow of the area.

During Don’s and my visit to the town in 2001 we made two brief visits to Tito’s for margaritas. Tito remembered Don from that time when he saw his picture. Because of that long ago time in Melaque I felt compelled to return this year and it proved to be an experience of deep healing. The peace I found there allowed me to dive deep into myself.

My open mic singing, (somehow encouraged by Don during the portal experience), was an important part of my spiritual shift in Mexico, and it took starting to sing open mic at the Legion here in Gibsons to finally bring me full circle, back to my permanent home.

A curious thing happened during my first Legion visit. Since I was nervous, I decided to pretend I was in Melaque, walking into the Legion, ordering a mug of Mexican draft beer and settling myself in the song circle.

My song choices were pieces I had sung in Mexico, “The Rose” and “They Call the Wind Maria”. I gave it my all, and received positive feedback from the other musicians. It was almost like I transferred my experience of singing in Mexico and the confidence and the energy of it to this new venue.

This week we sang The Rose at my ukelele group, and although not soloing, I had a similar experience…as if I was somehow channelling the energy of Melaque into and through the song.

Don came to the Melaque beach to help me move forward…to open more to life, I sense. He was very much with me in that beach community the entire two months I was there. His encouragement to take my music seriously helps me with my overall change.

Yet another level of our physical separation occurred, catalyzed by the portal experience. Our energetic soul connection will never be severed after many lifetimes together.

Melaque was not a “time out of time” experience, it was my life for two very real months. It cannot be reproduced…it can, however be built upon, a new starting out point for me.

Don Softly Returns

On By ellenbessoIn Grief, Positivity8 Comments

For many months, I sensed that this trip to Melaque, Mexico, would be life-changing in some unknown way, but I did not anticipate the unusual events that began on my arrival.

 The change began immediately, during my first dinner on the beach an hour or two after booking into Hotel Bahia Melaque. My first evening turned out to be a magical one on the beach at Tito’s.

After Tito’s daughter served me a delicious meal of shrimp, guacamole and tacos, I shared some of my story with her, saying my husband and I had visited Melaque in 2001.

 “What was your husband’s name,” she asked. I told her, and she went off back to the kitchen, returning a few minutes later with another waiter, a lovely young man. “Our father remembers him”, they both said.

 I showed them a 20-year-old picture of Don and I, taken on a cruise down Indian Arm in the North Vancouver area, roughly about the time we came to Melaque. The next thing I knew, Tito himself showed up. “I remember him,” he said, looking at the picture, then he returned to his restaurant duties.

I was very touched and began to cry. Titos daughter, a warm mother of four, rubbed my back. But this experience was more than Tito remembering Don… Somehow, events and energies had converged that evening, and I felt Don’s presence there with me.

 As I ate my meal, a beautiful little girl, Chihuahua, the big-eared breed, appeared beside me, dressed in a pink coat. She sat quietly for a long time, finally going up on her back legs to ask for food. She turned down a taco, but she ate it when I added fat shrimp. I spoke to her, telling her I didn’t think shrimp was good for her, so did not give her anymore. At some point, she quietly faded away.

 I believed what the wonderful Mexican folks had told me, but I was very curious about why they asked me my husband’s name. The next day, I asked Titos daughter. “My grandmother says I’m a witch” she replied. “Oh, you’re psychic”, I said. Now, it made more sense to me.

That first Friday night, I also made a quick decision to sign up for the open mic the next day when I heard about it. I had been prevaricating about singing at the Gibsons Legion open mic for many months, and I thought it was time to just do it…To honour myself by taking my singing seriously.

In retrospect, I sense that Don planted the suggestion; he loved my singing and always supported me in it.

Something was set in motion that night, a significant step towards the emergence of my new life. My challenge now is to remain with spirit so as not to self-sabotage myself with doubts and sadness.

Post Script: In conversation with one of my hotel owners, I learned that Tito remembers many people who have come to his place. He also told me he has heard stories that this area is the place where people can reconnect with their loved ones in spirit.

When I spoke to Tito later, he said he was aware that people are able to get in touch with their deceased loved ones here at the beach near his restaurant”.

Both Tito and the hotel manager were unfamiliar with the term portal, so I explained it to them as a doorway to and from heaven. Perhaps this would help them understand more about their unique part of Mexico.

What Am I Meant to Do?

On By ellenbessoIn change, Grief, retirement5 Comments

Twice before Don passed in 2020, I received the message through that “knowing” third eye way, that I would be okay, I would go forward and enjoy my life.

It’s taking a long time…

My “Locked Out” blog post of October 21st succinctly explained how the Universe told me, in a series of ways, that I needed to put my grief memoir on hold.

It was a tough thing to do. As a writer one does not feel complete when not writing. Most importantly, not working on the book took me further from Don and from the life we led for 43 years.

I have not been able to write blogs either since the decision. I needed to pull back, pause and to reassess up to now. After a day of deep processing consisting of journalling and weeping, my way of releasing trapped cellular energy, the dam opened, and I began to handwrite blog drafts.

Temporarily shelving my grief memoir began yet another phase in my life. I recognized the value of following my guidance, yet at the same time felt lost and at loose ends. I did realize that the non writing void offered up possibilities.

Another wakeup call came recently in the form of lab reports telling me my LDL, or bad cholesterol, is too high. I have been pushing the borderline cholesterol envelope for about twenty years, and now it’s payback time. Cleaning up my diet is another part of my new phase, as I see it.

My slow movement forward over these past four years has led to a major home move in 2023, and this year to new activities: Taking up ukelele playing in the spring, (easy as I have played guitar in a lackadaisical way over the years). It’s a fun group close to home, and has resulted in the restoration of my singing voice. My next goal is singing at the Legion singalong in the spring.

Currently I am hopeful of finally securing a “meaty” volunteer job, where my skills are recognized and honoured. Beginning in the spring, I will volunteer coaching and running small groups at a local centre.

Slowly, slowly, I am developing my new life…becoming “me” instead of part of the “we”. There’s a reason why I’m here. I ask myself: “What can I offer the world during these years of my life?” All of us are here for a reason, to learn and contribute in whatever form that may take. What might your purpose be?

Bird in the Hand

On By ellenbessoIn Grief, kundalini awakening, meditation, spiritual awakening, WidowsLeave a comment

I have been physically separated from my soulmate for close to four years. From the time Don “died” I knew that the more I was able to let go of him and our earthly life together, the deeper our connection would be on a spiritual level. This profound realization has been a challenge beyond words for me.

With Don not being forthcoming, typical of many men, I once likened him to the Runaway Bunny in the children’s book by Margaret Wise Brown, telling him, “You’re my bunny, I’m not going to give up on you”. And I didn’t…ever.

When he received his first scary diagnosis, the Alzheimers one, one of the first thoughts that passed through my mind was “We should renew our vows”. I forgot about that in the chaos of adapting to a new life, following a program of diet, brain stimulation and exercise, one that occupied much of our days. But that thought showed the deep commitment I felt for Don.

Now in June of 2024, almost four years after Don left us, I am making progress amidst my ongoing grief. I have begun Sahaja Yoga chakra balancing work, to shift my kundalini awakening energy and ease my emotional pain, enabling me to move forward less encumbered by the past.

In our first session my lovely guide told me gently that I was holding Don back from flying in my yearning to be closer to him. “He will always be with you”, she said. I have sensed all along that I have been clinging too tightly. Clinging is not at all the same as the deep and rare soul connection between Don and myself referred to by Sharon and the Grandmothers of the Net of Light during a session in the spring of 2021. My teacher’s gentle words and the chakra exercise we did together helped me to loosen my grasp.

Three days later, lying on Urszula’s acupuncture table with needles in, Don showed me an image of a bird sitting on a hand, flying away, later to return out of love. Since then, whenever I think of it, I hold out my open hand in a symbolic gesture of releasing Don.

After the chakra session I received the additional awareness that by letting Don fly I am enabling myself to also fly on my new path.

This morning, while doing directed writing in my journal, Don told me to “loosen, not cut” our connection. I went down to the harbour and after many shots managed to capture a picture of a seagull floating free high above my head.

Love & Light

Ellen

Copyright 2024 Ellen Besso

Ellen Besso is a retired Life Coach, Counsellor & an energy worker. She is the author of An Indian Sojourn: One woman’s spiritual experience of travel & volunteering, and Surviving Eldercare: Where their needs end & yours begin, both available through Amazon. Ellen is currently working on a book about her partner’s illnesses, his transition to spirit, & the many forms of contact they have had since Don left this planet.

Holidays Past & Present

On By ellenbessoIn Grief, lifestyle change, Spirit Contacting Us, spiritualityLeave a comment

This fourth Christmas has hit me harder, for multiple reasons.

Healing energies are slowly overtaking the dark ones I am told by my friend who is psychic, and from recent astrological information. Things seem to be turning on a dime for many of us. Recently my changes have been rapid.

It’s difficult for me to stand outside myself and see how far I have come since Don left us three plus years ago. Now, with my readiness to initiate many things, the gap between my current life and the life I lived with Don is widening. 

While positive, this is also sad for me.

The messages I have received the last few days from the Grandmothers and other guides have reinforced and encouraged my growth.

One message said “Coming back to myself”. I have been doing this, reconnecting with me ever since Don’s transition. Now over time and with deep processing my relationship with myself is growing.

The second message was a powerful one: “I am in my place” the spirits told me. Soon after receiving this I made the link between it and the messages the Grandmothers gave me through Sharon in the Spring of 2021. They said that Don, our daughter and myself were in exactly the right place for our evolution.

On some level I always sensed that this was our path but it hasn’t made my life any easier. Now I am able to understand in a knowing way that I am doing well, my progress has been substantial over the last years despite my continuing grief.

Moving to a new home was an enormous step, disconcerting. I lost my safe place, cradled within our beautiful home of thirty years. Now, after six months my new place with its friendly community and view of Gibsons harbour and North Shore mountains is beginning to be home.

I feel I am at a turning point and my time away in a warm place in the new year will enhance this sense of moving forward.

I wish all of you a heartwarming holiday season.

Love & Light

Ellen

Copyright 2023 Ellen Besso

Ellen Besso is a retired Life Coach, Counsellor & an energy worker. She is the author of An Indian Sojourn: One woman’s spiritual experience of travel & volunteering, and Surviving Eldercare: Where their needs end & yours begin, both available through Amazon. Ellen is currently working on a book about her partner’s illnesses, his transition to spirit, & the many forms of contact they have had since Don left this planet.