Category: change

Joy – Guest Blog

On By ellenbessoIn change, detachment from outcome, Grief, PositivityLeave a comment

“When we’ve been there ten thousand years, bright shining as the sun” – amazing grace 

I am here

I am here

I’m still here

Each moment is what we have 

How to detach to remain present

The magic is there

In you

Any way you find the magic 

Magic joy and peace 

Is our birthright  

You can go to the edge of the world

You can look down at all the green

the central question now

How to find the peace joy magic in this chaos

Joy is fire

Joy is revolution

Joy is resistance 

We can hold both

One in each hand

Or,

Some of each in both hands

Grief/joy

Pain/peace

Magic

It certainly seems to me that the bad and good are greatly magnified

Now

We sit in the margins 

Balance

Stillness 

Energy

Embracing duality is a/the necessary skill

 tightrope 

No one and nothing is all good or bad

We are here 

C Bronwen Besso-Smith 2025

Who’s in Charge? Lessons from the Universe

On By ellenbessoIn change, detachment from outcome, lifestyle change, Positivity2 Comments

Within the mayhem of our planet my own personal micro chaos has been taking place.

The Universe has conspired to teach me many lessons lately. From a toxic neighbour to two failed real estate deals…it has come home to me in a stronger way that I am not the one running the show.

For two years I have lived next door to a demanding neighbour. Our doors are set in a 90 degree corner from each other. Being a fair and accommodating person, I had not realized how stressful it was living in such close proximity to this woman until, due to a strata issue, my neighbour verbally attacked me.

Although my place has a lovely view, the apartment itself has never been right for me. I had not thought previously of moving but the disturbing “event” with my neighbour propelled me into taking a look at quite a different unit in another part of our complex, one that has more privacy and is more like a small cottage.

My friend Joe became my agent. We rushed to prepare both offer and selling contracts and to get my place ready to go on the market. We were after a quick purchase and rapid sale so no short term mortgage would be needed. “We’re selling the view”, Joe said. (Unfortunately the view of the Gibsons harbour and North Shore mountains was obscured by wildfire smoke that week, but we would make do, using the pics from two years ago when I purchased the property)

Pictures of the inside of my place were taken and our offer made, but the very morning my place was to be listed, the other unit was taken off market. We did not find out why, until later, when we were told that the seller had lost the big old house she wanted farther up the Sunshine Coast.

Now that deal had gone south and she was bidding on the big house again, with her apartment here going back on market.

“Everything’s ready, let’s go for it”, said Joe. But this time he repeatedly cautioned me to keep emotions out of it.

You can probably guess what happened next…There were multiple offers on the big house, and my “seller” lost out on it yet again. I felt for the woman.

“We are being asked to loosen out grip on plans, timelines and outcomes. The Universe is shifting pieces behind the scenes…Stay open, receptive and willing to step into alignment when the door opens.” April Ripley wrote on her facebook page.

I think that should be my new motto, not an easy challenge.

My Lessons: Detachment both with the neighbour and to the outcome of buying the new place. Strong boundaries with the neighbour…I’ve been too fair and too nice for too long.

The whole thing was too rushed, but there were reasons for this exercise relating to letting go of outcome. Each time we moved farther ahead in terms of readiness to move.

Hopefully it will happen next year. Now I wait…and I purge my home!

Turning Corners – 5th Anniversary

On By ellenbessoIn change, Grief, kundalini awakening, lifestyle change, spiritual awakening, Widows2 Comments

Fifth anniversaries can be turning points in our lives. The lead up to the fifth anniversary marking my soulmate’s transition to spirit on August 7th, 2020 has been long. For weeks I’ve been aware that it is coming and it feels quite different from the others.

It will be my first time on my own, without daughter or friends around me, after various celebratory gatherings and prayers or quiet time with our daughter the other years.

This is my choice. In some ways the fifth year feels anticlimactic. In other ways it looms very large on the landscape of my life. My forward movement is accelerating and I sense there will be no looking back now.

My body is unbalanced, with migrating pains. First my right shoulder, now my hips/low back. I believe the pain relates to the anniversary, my continuing kundalini awakening journey and most of all to the powerful planetary conditions allowing our spirits to heal. Currently the annual Lions Gate Portal is open, from July 26th, peaking August 8th. It interests me that Don chose to leave the planet at the peak of this portal time.

I have begun two rituals that will be completed that day, the first a large Vision Board of intentions moving forward, the second a small memory box symbollizing our past.

This month is not just about Don’s transition to spirit. Our wedding anniversary is ten days after that and the birth and death of our first child is sandwiched in between.

It is a special time of remembering, unique. During this time of growth, of movement to higher dimensions, many of us are revisiting and releasing very old memories from our past, both of this lifetime and past lives. In a way lifetimes are converging.

Post Script: On Thursday August 7th I spent a lovely day, alone for the most part, speaking to my somatic counsellor, walking in the beautiful woods in Upper Gibsons, resting, and later dining with my friend in the Greek Restaurant we have all enjoyed for many, many years.

Love & Light

Ellen

The Tree

On By ellenbessoIn change, Grief, lifestyle change, Nature, Spirituality in Action1 Comment

Beside a quiet lane in the small town of Gibsons, a beautiful pine tree grows at the bottom of our former garden. The tree is 50-60 years old.

Over the years this special tree has been the focus of many events, both celebrations and grief. During the years I hosted our Net of Light/Grandmothers womens’ group we did empowerments and drummed around the tree.

Immediately upon hearing that my daughter’s dear friend had taken her life, I went outside and hugged that tree. I did not consciously do this, another part of me walked me out there. That’s where Don found me, and together we slowly walked around the neighbourhood, while we let this devastating news settle.

When our dear old dog passed away his funeral took place there in that tiny woods. We named Blackie’s shining qualities, tossing bits of paper with the words into the grave where he lay at rest, wrapped in my red terrycloth robe. Our wonderful next door neighbours attended, with Brian playing two songs for us on his small bagpipes, while Michele stood at the back with babe in arms, not wanting to intrude.

Yesterday evening during our Dark Woods of Grief Support Group, called “Grief and Praise”, we opened with a long somatic guided meditation, working with trees. Going into the group I felt very tired, most of us seemed to be. I sensed I was still processing the wonderful outdoor jazz music from the day before through my energy system. I continued with the next part of the group, the writing portion, but only part of me was present. I chose to exit the session before our breakout sharing groups, sending a chat note to let everyone know I was leaving.

Immediately after the meditation I became aware that this remarkable tree in our garden held unforgettable memories for myself and many friends. The session was complete for me at this point. This was the reason my soul had guided me to this particular group on this night.

I am very grateful for this opportunity to recognize and to process, then release the deep emotional significance of the tree.

Kundalini Update

On By ellenbessoIn change, Grief, kundalini awakening, meditation2 Comments

Once kundalini begins to awaken, it starts to “bulldoze” all your systems including your emotions, in order to clear blockages in body-mind-soul, to infuse you with a higher energy level, Leyla Lampi, a Swedish Psychologist writes. This description is very accurate, and honours the difficult pathway that kundalini awakeners often face.

Nine years is not an excessive length of time for a long term kundalini awakening, I recently read. Symptoms of my spontaneous awakening were noticeable in the spring of 2016, with energy coming into my neck through my occiputs, creating a need to rest and support my neck.

I did not have a name for what was happening for some time, knowing only that higher energies enter through the space between the occiputs, as taught by my first meditation teacher at the Self Realization Centre here in Gibsons. I researched on my own and realized it was a spontaneous kundalini awakening.

Kundalini rising is activation of the life force that is stored in the base of our spine. Kundalini energy uses a lot of prana or chi as it is transforms the body, including the brain. My 2019 articles explain both my own process and the awakening process in general.

My background and spiritual longings predisposed me to this experience. Spontaneous awakening can occur in people who have a strong soul desire to progress spiritually, and who are meditators and/or have experienced trauma and/or intense energy work.

Only recently did I realize that this process began within a year of my participation in multiple Divine Love Sanctuary Foundation prayer evenings, a profound experience that combined the gentle influx of powerful energy with channelled messages brought forth by Al Fike.

As we continue to progress through stages of kundalini, the surge of nervous system energy can exacerbate existing symptoms and various other symptoms may re-appear, coming and going. For example, crying, antsy, anxious feelings, heightened sensitivity to people and surroundings, up and down sleep patterns.

Previously dense and deep, there have been many shifts over the past couple of years. It is processing in a different way now, softer and nearer the surface. At this point I feel that the kundalini and I are working together instead of me feeling attacked by it. My strong sense is that the energy is intertwined with the powerful forces entering the planet over the last few months, with rare astrological occurrences that have not been seen for 100 or more years.

During my months in Mexico I noticed that while the kundalini visits came and went, coming on randomly, their nature and quality changed due to the major healing and releasing I experienced there. My sense was I was experiencing fewer blocks and my intuitive daughter agreed.   

Over the past couple of years I received strong intuitive messages to stop participating in Divine Love prayer sessions and monthly Divine Love related distant healings offered by friends. Last year I began Sahaja Kundalini Yoga Meditation, recommended by my chiropractor, a long time practitioner. Although the small amount of guided work I did helped me shift energy, it was much too strong.

I recently read that healings like this stimulate the spine, activating the kundalini. The chiropractic and acupuncture treatments I receive also do this, however I feel they benefit me structurally, (chiro) and balance my meridians (acupuncture).

All these powerful healings were stirring me up, and in the case of the Sahaja Yoga, deliberately causing the energies to rise towards my head chakra. This is counterproductive for me as my challenge is to remain grounded. That’s why I do the medical chi gong Microcosmic Orbit frequently throughout the day.

Fortunately I have begun working with a Somatic Counsellor recently, whose Dark Woods of Grief site I “discovered” while surfing the internet a few months ago. She has given me the language to describe my needs…the ones my intuition wisely helped me with. “Some people need to be activated”, Josea said, “You need to be contained”. That is why most energy modes are too much for me at this time, now that my nervous system vibrates in a different, more sensitive way.

Timing is everything in life. I have begun my work with Josea and the team at a time when my kundalini journey is more productive, in the sense that the blocks have lessened. It wouldn’t have been as helpful when the energies were very dense and deep. I am ready now. Although the experience is still challenging often, I experience occasional surges of energy moving up my spine to my head, and sometimes tingles or pings that show me that the kundalini is opening, flowing more, taking me closer to a life of joy and ease, with deeper connection to spirit.

I just found this Myree Morsi’s site: – excellent kundalini information

Melaque Magic Update

On By ellenbessoIn change, Grief, lifestyle change, Positivity, spirituality, The Earth, travel, Widows3 Comments

“This is what you came here for, to change your life”. The Grandmothers

On the plane to Mexico on January 9th a strange thought crossed my mind: “I’m going home”. “What, I just left home”, I said to myself. I did not know what was coming but the magic began that very evening on the beach.

While most friends seemed to appreciate my profound experience of the first evening, when Don subtly emerged through the beach portal in West Melaque, I felt something was missing.

The spiritual experience of that evening set the tone for the next two months. The healing energy of the sand and water, listening to and performing music, meeting Mexican families and making new friendships all came together to catalyze my internal change.

My days settled into a comfortable routine: My morning ritual was a walk on the Malecon boardwalk followed by coffee under a beach umbrella, served to me by the lovely Tito, owner, along with his wife, of Tito’s Place, where everything began the night of my arrival. The sound of the waves hitting the shore and the fascinating soaring birds transported me.

Reviewing my journal notes from spring 2024, I noticed my guides had told me that my first solo Mexican trip that winter “was the start of a massive change”. The latest trip, I now realize, was a transcendent experience.

“A transcendent experience, however you arrive at it, is like a portal that opens, inviting you to walk through”, Anita Moorjani, known for her powerful near death experience, writes. Once opened, it never closes, Moorjani goes on to say, so the clarity of wisdom never disappears.

As my time in Melaque drew to an end it felt like time to return home, although I was not fully ready to leave this special place, the backdrop for transformation, where I discovered a sense of peace within.

Never have I experienced such a long and laborious re-entry from travels, not even after my first trip to India, where I have lived many past lives. This was a different experience, not so much an awareness of having lived in Melaque in the past as it was simply being caught up in the special energetic flow of the area.

During Don’s and my visit to the town in 2001 we made two brief visits to Tito’s for margaritas. Tito remembered Don from that time when he saw his picture. Because of that long ago time in Melaque I felt compelled to return this year and it proved to be an experience of deep healing. The peace I found there allowed me to dive deep into myself.

My open mic singing, (somehow encouraged by Don during the portal experience), was an important part of my spiritual shift in Mexico, and it took starting to sing open mic at the Legion here in Gibsons to finally bring me full circle, back to my permanent home.

A curious thing happened during my first Legion visit. Since I was nervous, I decided to pretend I was in Melaque, walking into the Legion, ordering a mug of Mexican draft beer and settling myself in the song circle.

My song choices were pieces I had sung in Mexico, “The Rose” and “They Call the Wind Maria”. I gave it my all, and received positive feedback from the other musicians. It was almost like I transferred my experience of singing in Mexico and the confidence and the energy of it to this new venue.

This week we sang The Rose at my ukelele group, and although not soloing, I had a similar experience…as if I was somehow channelling the energy of Melaque into and through the song.

Don came to the Melaque beach to help me move forward…to open more to life, I sense. He was very much with me in that beach community the entire two months I was there. His encouragement to take my music seriously helps me with my overall change.

Yet another level of our physical separation occurred, catalyzed by the portal experience. Our energetic soul connection will never be severed after many lifetimes together.

Melaque was not a “time out of time” experience, it was my life for two very real months. It cannot be reproduced…it can, however be built upon, a new starting out point for me.

My Small Melaque World

On By ellenbessoIn change, spirituality, travel1 Comment

The small beach community I called home for two months extends in one direction as far as I can walk without going along the beach or onto the hot streets, past the karaoke venue around the corner from Hotel Bahia and ending at Leovy Restaurant with its bamboo and rattan umbrellas. In the other direction it reaches the top of the Malecon boardwalk, about one and a half miles long, I overheard someone say.

My morning begins with a walk on the Malecon, all the way to the end if its not too hot, then coffee under a beach umbrella, served to me by Tito…if Tito is there the restaurant is open.

I sip my morning java while listening to the waves and watching the beauty of the unfolding morning, staying until I become too warm or my body insists it’s time to move. Forty pesos is a miniscule price for this uplifting experience.

From time to time I venture down the beach or into town for music or to my favourite breakfast place. Melaque has retained its simple Mexican tourist town feel, although busier now. The town centre is bustling and fun, quite different from the West Melaque beach energy, the friendly folk at Tito’s Restaurant where we eat and where the open mic shows take place.

Towards the middle of February things begin to change. While a few Canadian and American visitors prefer a late vacation, the long term folks at my hotel begin drifting home. Fewer musicians appear at the Tuesday evening “Jack and Friends” open mic, and the audience shrinks. I keep performing, Jack’s glad to have me I think, some of the other women singers have left, returning to jobs in Canada.

Only a quarter of the rooms at the hotel are occupied now. Short term visitors, mostly Mexican weekenders, will occupy the place from now on the manager tells me.

Last weekend the controversial new “big city” Mexican hotel at the end of the beach was fully occupied by busloads of middle class looking Mexicans from out of town. Other Mexican visitors have settled in for the day at Tito’s beach tables, with carryalls of food and bathing paraphernalia and the ubiquitous giant Coca Cola bottles.

The six month visitors like my music mentor Jack and his partner are still in residence until sometime in April, and the transplanted expats remain. Another great winter season is coming to an end.

“Buenos Dias”

On By ellenbessoIn change, lifestyle changeLeave a comment

Finally, I managed to squeeze a blog out of myself! Everything seemed to pale after the experience of my first night here. I have tried a few times to no avail, but this morning, I felt the muse while sitting over my coffee here on the beach at Tito’s restaurant, where it all started. 

The town of Melaque is a typical Mexican Town in the sense that it is quite traditional. Although built up since our visit in 2001, it is not gentrified like Barra de Navidad around the bay. Even in 2001, we found Barra too chi chi for our liking and shifted to Melaque, where we secured a room in a Mexican hotel right on the beach for fewer pesos per night. 

 I go into the Town Center two or three times a week. It’s a good 20-minute walk, longer for me, hard on my body, and since I do not ride a bike, I take taxis when I go, at a cost of $15 Canadian round trip, including a generous tip.

There is a somewhat wider selection of food in the Town Center than in the Beach restaurants, but I’m still not able to get the amount of vegetables, etc, that I aim for on my new, cholesterol-lowering diet. 

I see my Gibsons’ friends, who have rented a beautiful house at the far end of town from time to time. They are struggling with repeated injuries, mostly from falls off their bicycles, incurred while riding on the bumpy cobblestones! 

Volunteer work has been challenging to find, as was the case last year in Bucerias. I don’t follow the common methods like paying an organization to volunteer. What is that about? We always ask ourselves, both here and in India.

I branch out on my own, seeking individuals and small organizations that may want my help. Two sessions of ESL with our hotel housekeepers were good… challenging for them as they have no English, and it was hard to book times. One of them has left now, so that is over. Fun while it lasted. 

My second volunteer job is at CENAC, the Western, almost one woman run Art Center in town. I have been in once to send a group thank you letter to donors who have contributed to the building of a second story upstairs, a valuable goal as it will offer more art and dance options to children from all economic stratas as well as adults.

That volunteer job is also a challenge; the manager is spread very thin and quite disorganized. 

I spend some time with my American friend from Texas and hotel folks, but I prefer to be alone on the beach as much as possible, soaking in the healing spiritual energy of the portal that is centered here at the west end of Melaque Beach.

So there you have a glimpse of my current daily life – more to come as I continue to unravel the past and the future.

What Am I Meant to Do?

On By ellenbessoIn change, Grief, retirement5 Comments

Twice before Don passed in 2020, I received the message through that “knowing” third eye way, that I would be okay, I would go forward and enjoy my life.

It’s taking a long time…

My “Locked Out” blog post of October 21st succinctly explained how the Universe told me, in a series of ways, that I needed to put my grief memoir on hold.

It was a tough thing to do. As a writer one does not feel complete when not writing. Most importantly, not working on the book took me further from Don and from the life we led for 43 years.

I have not been able to write blogs either since the decision. I needed to pull back, pause and to reassess up to now. After a day of deep processing consisting of journalling and weeping, my way of releasing trapped cellular energy, the dam opened, and I began to handwrite blog drafts.

Temporarily shelving my grief memoir began yet another phase in my life. I recognized the value of following my guidance, yet at the same time felt lost and at loose ends. I did realize that the non writing void offered up possibilities.

Another wakeup call came recently in the form of lab reports telling me my LDL, or bad cholesterol, is too high. I have been pushing the borderline cholesterol envelope for about twenty years, and now it’s payback time. Cleaning up my diet is another part of my new phase, as I see it.

My slow movement forward over these past four years has led to a major home move in 2023, and this year to new activities: Taking up ukelele playing in the spring, (easy as I have played guitar in a lackadaisical way over the years). It’s a fun group close to home, and has resulted in the restoration of my singing voice. My next goal is singing at the Legion singalong in the spring.

Currently I am hopeful of finally securing a “meaty” volunteer job, where my skills are recognized and honoured. Beginning in the spring, I will volunteer coaching and running small groups at a local centre.

Slowly, slowly, I am developing my new life…becoming “me” instead of part of the “we”. There’s a reason why I’m here. I ask myself: “What can I offer the world during these years of my life?” All of us are here for a reason, to learn and contribute in whatever form that may take. What might your purpose be?