Author: ellenbesso

Ellen Besso is a retired life coach/counsellor, published author, energy worker & practitioner of yoga & meditation. Ellen’s books, "An Indian Sojourn: One woman’s spiritual experience of travel and volunteering", and "Surviving Eldercare: Where their needs end and yours begin", can be purchased through Amazon. Ellen is currently working on an Untitled Memoir about her partner’s illnesses, his transition & myriad forms of contact they have had since Don left this planet. Ellen lives in a vibrant small community on the West Coast of British Columbia . You can contact her through the blog comment section.

My Small Melaque World

On By ellenbessoIn change, spirituality, travel1 Comment

The small beach community I called home for two months extends in one direction as far as I can walk without going along the beach or onto the hot streets, past the karaoke venue around the corner from Hotel Bahia and ending at Leovy Restaurant with its bamboo and rattan umbrellas. In the other direction it reaches the top of the Malecon boardwalk, about one and a half miles long, I overheard someone say.

My morning begins with a walk on the Malecon, all the way to the end if its not too hot, then coffee under a beach umbrella, served to me by Tito…if Tito is there the restaurant is open.

I sip my morning java while listening to the waves and watching the beauty of the unfolding morning, staying until I become too warm or my body insists it’s time to move. Forty pesos is a miniscule price for this uplifting experience.

From time to time I venture down the beach or into town for music or to my favourite breakfast place. Melaque has retained its simple Mexican tourist town feel, although busier now. The town centre is bustling and fun, quite different from the West Melaque beach energy, the friendly folk at Tito’s Restaurant where we eat and where the open mic shows take place.

Towards the middle of February things begin to change. While a few Canadian and American visitors prefer a late vacation, the long term folks at my hotel begin drifting home. Fewer musicians appear at the Tuesday evening “Jack and Friends” open mic, and the audience shrinks. I keep performing, Jack’s glad to have me I think, some of the other women singers have left, returning to jobs in Canada.

Only a quarter of the rooms at the hotel are occupied now. Short term visitors, mostly Mexican weekenders, will occupy the place from now on the manager tells me.

Last weekend the controversial new “big city” Mexican hotel at the end of the beach was fully occupied by busloads of middle class looking Mexicans from out of town. Other Mexican visitors have settled in for the day at Tito’s beach tables, with carryalls of food and bathing paraphernalia and the ubiquitous giant Coca Cola bottles.

The six month visitors like my music mentor Jack and his partner are still in residence until sometime in April, and the transplanted expats remain. Another great winter season is coming to an end.

Singing Breakthrough

On By ellenbessoIn Positivity, retirement2 Comments

Part of the magic of my first night on the beach at Tito’s was that it propelled me into singing open mic here in Melaque. 

 Don has always loved my singing and encouraged me to do it. I have a strong intuition that part of the spiritual experience on the beach that first night involved music… that Don was nudging me. 

It was no accident that someone told me about the next day’s open mic right there at Tito’s. I thought, “Why not!”. 

 I wanted to sing my current favorite song, The Rose, written by Amanda McBroom and performed by Bette Midler in the movie of that name. “That song would not work well with the band”, a kind singer told me. However her husband agreed to accompany me on guitar.

 I was told to arrive at 12:15 to sign up. Arriving at noon, I was way down on the list but determined to sing.

A neighbour from Gibsons came to support me, bringing several of her hotel friends with her. They cheered me as I went on stage, and she made a video of me singing. There was a lot of noise in the room, but I could still be heard, both live and on the video. 

 Highly motivated, I went to the next live mic three days later on Tuesday evening, also at Tito’s, by Jacks invitation. There, I learned that Jack and his wife sponsor both the Saturday and Tuesday events, donating all proceeds to help the most poverty-stricken Mexican families. 

Over 10 days, I performed five times at live mic, including one karaoke performance with an amazing young woman from the Canadian Navy. I met her right before she left town, and we sang “I’ll Fly Away” together, with me singing harmony at my request… Such fun! 

After that, I took a break for 10 days, realizing intuitively that the singing marathon, although incredible, had been intense and took lots of energy.

I began again fresh on a Tuesday night, singing at the smaller Jack and Friends venue. The time off helped me, and I felt I had hit my stride, singing two solos and Why Me Lord with Jack, a song I’d wanted to sing for a long time with a male singer, as I lean toward music with broad spiritual contexts.

 Jack has been amazingly helpful, encouraging and mentoring me; I would go so far as to say. Last Wednesday at karaoke, he told me I did a good job of Dolly Parton’s Wildflowers; however, I needed to practice lots to teach myself to stay within the confines of the karaoke music. (Karaoke is harder than singing open mic with Jack and Friends; the music does not slow down or speed up to follow my tempo; I must follow it!). 

I’ve begun my karaoke “homework”; however I’m looking at it as a long-term task as I am on vacation after all… And my goal here on the beach with its energy portal is healing myself spiritually. 

When I returned to Canada, I look forward to hitting the ground running, singing at least twice weekly, participating in every opportunity that appeals to me.

“Buenos Dias”

On By ellenbessoIn change, lifestyle changeLeave a comment

Finally, I managed to squeeze a blog out of myself! Everything seemed to pale after the experience of my first night here. I have tried a few times to no avail, but this morning, I felt the muse while sitting over my coffee here on the beach at Tito’s restaurant, where it all started. 

The town of Melaque is a typical Mexican Town in the sense that it is quite traditional. Although built up since our visit in 2001, it is not gentrified like Barra de Navidad around the bay. Even in 2001, we found Barra too chi chi for our liking and shifted to Melaque, where we secured a room in a Mexican hotel right on the beach for fewer pesos per night. 

 I go into the Town Center two or three times a week. It’s a good 20-minute walk, longer for me, hard on my body, and since I do not ride a bike, I take taxis when I go, at a cost of $15 Canadian round trip, including a generous tip.

There is a somewhat wider selection of food in the Town Center than in the Beach restaurants, but I’m still not able to get the amount of vegetables, etc, that I aim for on my new, cholesterol-lowering diet. 

I see my Gibsons’ friends, who have rented a beautiful house at the far end of town from time to time. They are struggling with repeated injuries, mostly from falls off their bicycles, incurred while riding on the bumpy cobblestones! 

Volunteer work has been challenging to find, as was the case last year in Bucerias. I don’t follow the common methods like paying an organization to volunteer. What is that about? We always ask ourselves, both here and in India.

I branch out on my own, seeking individuals and small organizations that may want my help. Two sessions of ESL with our hotel housekeepers were good… challenging for them as they have no English, and it was hard to book times. One of them has left now, so that is over. Fun while it lasted. 

My second volunteer job is at CENAC, the Western, almost one woman run Art Center in town. I have been in once to send a group thank you letter to donors who have contributed to the building of a second story upstairs, a valuable goal as it will offer more art and dance options to children from all economic stratas as well as adults.

That volunteer job is also a challenge; the manager is spread very thin and quite disorganized. 

I spend some time with my American friend from Texas and hotel folks, but I prefer to be alone on the beach as much as possible, soaking in the healing spiritual energy of the portal that is centered here at the west end of Melaque Beach.

So there you have a glimpse of my current daily life – more to come as I continue to unravel the past and the future.

Don Softly Returns

On By ellenbessoIn Grief, Positivity8 Comments

For many months, I sensed that this trip to Melaque, Mexico, would be life-changing in some unknown way, but I did not anticipate the unusual events that began on my arrival.

 The change began immediately, during my first dinner on the beach an hour or two after booking into Hotel Bahia Melaque. My first evening turned out to be a magical one on the beach at Tito’s.

After Tito’s daughter served me a delicious meal of shrimp, guacamole and tacos, I shared some of my story with her, saying my husband and I had visited Melaque in 2001.

 “What was your husband’s name,” she asked. I told her, and she went off back to the kitchen, returning a few minutes later with another waiter, a lovely young man. “Our father remembers him”, they both said.

 I showed them a 20-year-old picture of Don and I, taken on a cruise down Indian Arm in the North Vancouver area, roughly about the time we came to Melaque. The next thing I knew, Tito himself showed up. “I remember him,” he said, looking at the picture, then he returned to his restaurant duties.

I was very touched and began to cry. Titos daughter, a warm mother of four, rubbed my back. But this experience was more than Tito remembering Don… Somehow, events and energies had converged that evening, and I felt Don’s presence there with me.

 As I ate my meal, a beautiful little girl, Chihuahua, the big-eared breed, appeared beside me, dressed in a pink coat. She sat quietly for a long time, finally going up on her back legs to ask for food. She turned down a taco, but she ate it when I added fat shrimp. I spoke to her, telling her I didn’t think shrimp was good for her, so did not give her anymore. At some point, she quietly faded away.

 I believed what the wonderful Mexican folks had told me, but I was very curious about why they asked me my husband’s name. The next day, I asked Titos daughter. “My grandmother says I’m a witch” she replied. “Oh, you’re psychic”, I said. Now, it made more sense to me.

That first Friday night, I also made a quick decision to sign up for the open mic the next day when I heard about it. I had been prevaricating about singing at the Gibsons Legion open mic for many months, and I thought it was time to just do it…To honour myself by taking my singing seriously.

In retrospect, I sense that Don planted the suggestion; he loved my singing and always supported me in it.

Something was set in motion that night, a significant step towards the emergence of my new life. My challenge now is to remain with spirit so as not to self-sabotage myself with doubts and sadness.

Post Script: In conversation with one of my hotel owners, I learned that Tito remembers many people who have come to his place. He also told me he has heard stories that this area is the place where people can reconnect with their loved ones in spirit.

When I spoke to Tito later, he said he was aware that people are able to get in touch with their deceased loved ones here at the beach near his restaurant”.

Both Tito and the hotel manager were unfamiliar with the term portal, so I explained it to them as a doorway to and from heaven. Perhaps this would help them understand more about their unique part of Mexico.

What Am I Meant to Do?

On By ellenbessoIn change, Grief, retirement5 Comments

Twice before Don passed in 2020, I received the message through that “knowing” third eye way, that I would be okay, I would go forward and enjoy my life.

It’s taking a long time…

My “Locked Out” blog post of October 21st succinctly explained how the Universe told me, in a series of ways, that I needed to put my grief memoir on hold.

It was a tough thing to do. As a writer one does not feel complete when not writing. Most importantly, not working on the book took me further from Don and from the life we led for 43 years.

I have not been able to write blogs either since the decision. I needed to pull back, pause and to reassess up to now. After a day of deep processing consisting of journalling and weeping, my way of releasing trapped cellular energy, the dam opened, and I began to handwrite blog drafts.

Temporarily shelving my grief memoir began yet another phase in my life. I recognized the value of following my guidance, yet at the same time felt lost and at loose ends. I did realize that the non writing void offered up possibilities.

Another wakeup call came recently in the form of lab reports telling me my LDL, or bad cholesterol, is too high. I have been pushing the borderline cholesterol envelope for about twenty years, and now it’s payback time. Cleaning up my diet is another part of my new phase, as I see it.

My slow movement forward over these past four years has led to a major home move in 2023, and this year to new activities: Taking up ukelele playing in the spring, (easy as I have played guitar in a lackadaisical way over the years). It’s a fun group close to home, and has resulted in the restoration of my singing voice. My next goal is singing at the Legion singalong in the spring.

Currently I am hopeful of finally securing a “meaty” volunteer job, where my skills are recognized and honoured. Beginning in the spring, I will volunteer coaching and running small groups at a local centre.

Slowly, slowly, I am developing my new life…becoming “me” instead of part of the “we”. There’s a reason why I’m here. I ask myself: “What can I offer the world during these years of my life?” All of us are here for a reason, to learn and contribute in whatever form that may take. What might your purpose be?

Locked Out

On By ellenbessoIn change5 Comments

First, it was the flood in my apartment; a washer overflowed from the unit above me and then migrated downward to the suite below. I was out of my home for four days, a relatively short time. It could have been much worse, only the walls and ceilings of my bedroom and hallway were affected, soaking the insulation. Thankfully, there was no water under the floor.

I didn’t make too much of this, although leaving my relatively new home and staying in a hotel took a toll, I realized in retrospect.

I was promised the restoration would be done while I was away in Toronto in September, and that happened, although with the unexpected hurdles of an incompetent strata insurance agent and my contractor going dark due to a phone issue.

I’m glad to be home this time, unlike my return from Mexico in January, when Gibsons was the last place I wanted to be. The weather is sunny and cool; hopefully, we’ll be fortunate to have a beautiful October if the fall rains hold off.

After enjoying only two of nine nights in a lovely historic boutique hotel in Parkdale, I was locked out of my room with none of my belongings for twenty-four hours due to an unusual electronic lock issue. The complementary meals, wine and toothbrush I was given did not make up for the lockout.

The trip to Toronto was wonderful yet challenging. Toronto is not easy. Being with my Tibetan sister in Mississauga to the west of the city at the beginning and end of each trip is restorative. Although the shadow of Don’s absence hangs over our visits, but less so with time.

Meanwhile, back at home, I had managed to secure an identical computer to replace the one that kept crashing. When my techie began to download my data onto the new computer, he was plagued by crash messages; there was something wrong with Windows. On my return, I took the computer back to the place of purchase, and it worked perfectly. Multiple diagnostic tools could not reproduce the problems experienced by my tech guy!

Without a functioning computer, I could not jump back into my work on my grief memoir. Suddenly, I realized, in that knowing third-eye way, that I was not meant to be writing the book at this time. The work, although valuable in processing my experiences during Don’s illnesses and transition to spirit, was re-traumatizing me and keeping me in the past when my spirit and intention were to move into my new, solo life more and more. It keeps that life with Don alive. It keeps him alive.

Although working on the book is satisfying, the writing is hard work and painful. At least twice, I had considered ceasing. But I kept pushing ahead, feeling a need to complete it for myself and possibly to help others who had lost their soulmates.

Was I being locked out of my current life so that I could focus more on my burgeoning new life? Is the writing serving as a distraction?

What is to happen next? Perhaps it will be time to restart the book when I am farther along in my new, joyous life. Maybe in the spring after Mexico? Whatever transpires in the months to come, I didn’t come to this conclusion entirely by myself – I had to be hit over the head by the Universe, by circumstances.

“I’m Right Over Here”

On By ellenbessoIn change6 Comments

In the early hours of the first Monday of July I was gifted with a dream visitation from my dear Don. The dream was brief and powerful. We stood together outside in a semi deserted, wide open urban area. He gave me a gentle kiss. The visual then jumped to a stark medium sized room. Don was sitting at a small table in one corner with someone, it was unclear who it was. I was also with an unnamed person, at another small, cafe style table, in the opposite corner of the room. “I’m right over here” were the words he said in my head.

A few hours afterwards I walked into my front hall to find a pool of water on the floor and water dripping down the outside of the sliding cupboard doors. Same in the bedroom around the corner. The water was coming from the unit above me. Dashing upstairs I found my neighbour struggling with an out-of-control, overflowing washing machine.

I was able to reach the Maintenance Manager of the strata management company quite quickly and a member of our Board who is knowledgable about structural issues. The Restoration company was on site within an hour. It took a while, but eventually the neighbour below me came up, asking what I was running. Her ceiling was affected…the second flood since she moved in!

Despite the chaos I continued determinedly with my plan to take the ferry to West Vancouver and meet my daughter downtown. I was finally attending her choir concert after missing them for four years, since they are in the evening and I don’t drive in Vancouver, so hard to get home afterwards.

Bronwen and I were sitting in a coffee shop when a text came from my upstairs neighbour: “Are you able to phone us? I knew this was not good news. The restoration man told me that the water was not just in the walls, it was also in the ceiling.

After spending a restless night in my daughter’s warm apartment, early the next morning I called the Garden Hotel in Gibsons and although they were busy they were able to book me the same room for four nights. By now there were concerns about the possibility of water under the bedroom floor so the hotel extended my booking to six nights.

I returned home to a chaotic apartment. All my bedroom furniture etc. had been put in the living room, along with clothes from both cupboards. Noisy industrial heaters were running everywhere, so loud that the woman who’s bedroom window faced mine slept in her living room.

It was difficult to decide what to take to the hotel in my numbed state, and hard to find things amidst the random piles. My friend from downstairs helped me as I literally tossed clothes into a suitcase and filled a garbage bag with pillows and running shoes. I also needed my ukelele supplies for the next day’s singalong group. When I arrived at the hotel I realized I had gone too far when I needed the hotel wheeled cart to get to my room.

After my checkup visit to the apartment the next day I got back in my car, started the engine and was treated to a fun surprise. Don’s old Bob Dylan CD began playing, although the radio was set to come on. This was the first time it had happened in two years. Shortly after Don left us the music came on three times before I realized that I had not pressed the wrong button. There were other incidents also two years later; once someone else was driving the car and the second time we were both in the car, on our way to the hospital in North Vancouver for my wrist cast removal, (a story for another time).

The dream visitation felt to me as if Don had precognition about the flood. Our daughter and my counsellor, who is open to the idea of spirit contact, also thought so. My daughter pointed out the symbollism of water.

Positive has come out of this. I was blessed in many ways, the flood could have been much worse. Since the floor was not affected I was only out of the house for four nights. The strata and neighbours were helpful and concerned. After coming back I appreciated my home more.

Postscript: The bedroom and hall ceilings will be replaced while I’m away in the fall.

The Freight Train Bearing Down

On By ellenbessoIn net of light, prayer, Spirit Contacting Us, spiritualityLeave a comment

My so far brief exposure to the Sahajna Yoga Meditation has benefited me. Although too much too fast initially, it allowed me to release much dense energy from my body, particularly the lung/diaphragm area, where we store our sadness. The insights and releasing have allowed me to shift.

My Net of Light work is deepening as I commit to cast the net and call on the beautiful Grandmothers more. A part of the Divine, their presence is constant. Like all spirit guides, angels, ancestors, etc. their comfort is stronger when we call on them.

After this morning’s teachings with Sharon and group leaders from different parts of the world I began to muse about how what is happening in my world, inside me fits into the context of the world uproar. Sharon’s last newsletter spoke about a racing freight train bearing down as the world shifts into a kinder, more feminine based mode.

The internal physical and emotional uproar I am experiencing is mine, it’s true, but not only mine. If we are truly connected, everything that happens in the world is also happening within me.

How does that make a difference to me? I’m not sure…knowing it’s not all my stuff is comforting in a way. It encourages me to help myself and the planet by continuing with the internal work I’m doing…my eclectic spiritual practices, yoga, writing, and to be kind to others.

Bird in the Hand

On By ellenbessoIn Grief, kundalini awakening, meditation, spiritual awakening, WidowsLeave a comment

I have been physically separated from my soulmate for close to four years. From the time Don “died” I knew that the more I was able to let go of him and our earthly life together, the deeper our connection would be on a spiritual level. This profound realization has been a challenge beyond words for me.

With Don not being forthcoming, typical of many men, I once likened him to the Runaway Bunny in the children’s book by Margaret Wise Brown, telling him, “You’re my bunny, I’m not going to give up on you”. And I didn’t…ever.

When he received his first scary diagnosis, the Alzheimers one, one of the first thoughts that passed through my mind was “We should renew our vows”. I forgot about that in the chaos of adapting to a new life, following a program of diet, brain stimulation and exercise, one that occupied much of our days. But that thought showed the deep commitment I felt for Don.

Now in June of 2024, almost four years after Don left us, I am making progress amidst my ongoing grief. I have begun Sahaja Yoga chakra balancing work, to shift my kundalini awakening energy and ease my emotional pain, enabling me to move forward less encumbered by the past.

In our first session my lovely guide told me gently that I was holding Don back from flying in my yearning to be closer to him. “He will always be with you”, she said. I have sensed all along that I have been clinging too tightly. Clinging is not at all the same as the deep and rare soul connection between Don and myself referred to by Sharon and the Grandmothers of the Net of Light during a session in the spring of 2021. My teacher’s gentle words and the chakra exercise we did together helped me to loosen my grasp.

Three days later, lying on Urszula’s acupuncture table with needles in, Don showed me an image of a bird sitting on a hand, flying away, later to return out of love. Since then, whenever I think of it, I hold out my open hand in a symbolic gesture of releasing Don.

After the chakra session I received the additional awareness that by letting Don fly I am enabling myself to also fly on my new path.

This morning, while doing directed writing in my journal, Don told me to “loosen, not cut” our connection. I went down to the harbour and after many shots managed to capture a picture of a seagull floating free high above my head.

Love & Light

Ellen

Copyright 2024 Ellen Besso

Ellen Besso is a retired Life Coach, Counsellor & an energy worker. She is the author of An Indian Sojourn: One woman’s spiritual experience of travel & volunteering, and Surviving Eldercare: Where their needs end & yours begin, both available through Amazon. Ellen is currently working on a book about her partner’s illnesses, his transition to spirit, & the many forms of contact they have had since Don left this planet.

Tibetan Nuns Project

On By ellenbessoIn prayer, spirituality, tibetansLeave a comment

“A real hero walks the Path to its end.

Then shows others the way.”

Words of one of the first Buddhist women over 2,000 years ago.

The Tibetan Nuns Project, with an office in Seattle and India, supports 900 nuns and seven nunneries, keeping Tibet’s religion and culture alive. Traditionally a male bastion, with the help of the Tibetan Nuns Project, 60 nuns have become Geshemas, (teachers) over the last 10 years.

Nuns in exile are now becoming teachers and leaders now, when their community and the world needs them.

You will notice on their website there are many ways to support the nuns and their nunneries. I have purchased calendars in the past and occasionally send funds to support teachers…education and information is power!

Please take a look at the site when you get a chance