Author: ellenbesso

Ellen Besso is a retired life coach/counsellor, published author, energy worker & practitioner of yoga & meditation. Ellen’s books, "An Indian Sojourn: One woman’s spiritual experience of travel and volunteering", and "Surviving Eldercare: Where their needs end and yours begin", can be purchased through Amazon. Ellen is currently working on an Untitled Memoir about her partner’s illnesses, his transition & myriad forms of contact they have had since Don left this planet. Ellen lives in a vibrant small community on the West Coast of British Columbia . You can contact her through the blog comment section.

Random Musings on Grief

On By ellenbessoIn Grief, lifestyle change2 Comments

Like everything in our world, grief is energy. It gives us information. In grief the existence of every emotion is possible.

Grief is missing our Person. It affects us in unimaginable ways… A hole has been created within us…an emotional hole and a loss of identity, the identity that is part of our personhood. This produces the body-brain issues, the change in brain chemistry, hormones, etc.

The lungs are the main organ to hold grief according to my TCM doc, although not exclusively. My lung grief affects my shoulders, in turn affecting my arms and so on. At times it tires me and my shoulders sag. Then I need to rest.

As that area of my body releases more over the months, the shoulder sagging has become rare. The other evening I noticed a bit of sagging after being awake and up for twelve hours, a vast improvement.

Alone after 43 years with my soulmate, I have a fear of disappearing… to myself and to others. Part of me really has ‘disappeared’…my old identity.

I feel vulnerable, there is no one to look out for me. It’s ironic in a way…I’m fearful that I can’t do it, live without Don…even though I have been managing successfully for several years.

Covid has changed people’s perception of time it seems. Somehow the “covid culture” of alienation, combined with my protective body-mind grief dissociation, makes everything seem odder.

We never know how grief is going to show up. Shulman, a neurologist, said after losing her soulmate: “I expected [the planned trip] to Greece to be unbearable sadness, but it wasn’t…It was profound instability…Losing bearings, losing identity, losing your coherent self.”  

The disorientation of deep grief is an altered state where our minds strain to make order out of unfamiliar events, Shulman goes on to say. As the months went on, and my brain rewired itself to a new normal, my mind became much clearer.

I resisted the idea of having a psychic reading with my friend Alma for thirteen months after Don left us, sensing she would tell me something I did not want to hear. I was right. Alma told me Don wanted me to let go of my sadness.

We are well aware that grief doesn’t work that way, we can’t just decide to let go of it.  

The next day as I prepared food in my kitchen, Alma’s words came back to me and I became angry. Alma was the messenger, it was not her I was angry with, it was Don. I remember quite clearly saying “Screw You” to him as I stood at the kitchen sink.

My anger helped shift me forward. Later I explained to him that things worked differently “down here” from the energetic environment that was now his home.

Guilt was an occasional visitor in the early days and still occasionally, but I did not let it take hold of me. “I must have done something wrong for Don to become so ill and die was the thought that crossed my mind. “This is not your fault”, he told me, and I wrote it in red in my journal.” What Don said sunk in deeper at that point in time.

To me the guilt and “if onlies” are just an extension of my magical belief that if we could redo our life we would gain time and would have many more years together.  

When grievers have experienced multiple traumas in their lives as I have, growing a new life is a complicated task sometimes. The negative experiences that were held at bay to a degree during our lives with our soulmates come to the forefront now. Additionally, I believe that my soul is releasing past life experiences as I move forward spiritually.

Excerpted from a work in progress, Working title: Then: When my Life Fell Apart

C Ellen Besso 2025

Joy – Guest Blog

On By ellenbessoIn change, detachment from outcome, Grief, PositivityLeave a comment

“When we’ve been there ten thousand years, bright shining as the sun” – amazing grace 

I am here

I am here

I’m still here

Each moment is what we have 

How to detach to remain present

The magic is there

In you

Any way you find the magic 

Magic joy and peace 

Is our birthright  

You can go to the edge of the world

You can look down at all the green

the central question now

How to find the peace joy magic in this chaos

Joy is fire

Joy is revolution

Joy is resistance 

We can hold both

One in each hand

Or,

Some of each in both hands

Grief/joy

Pain/peace

Magic

It certainly seems to me that the bad and good are greatly magnified

Now

We sit in the margins 

Balance

Stillness 

Energy

Embracing duality is a/the necessary skill

 tightrope 

No one and nothing is all good or bad

We are here 

C Bronwen Besso-Smith 2025

Who’s in Charge? Lessons from the Universe

On By ellenbessoIn change, detachment from outcome, lifestyle change, Positivity2 Comments

Within the mayhem of our planet my own personal micro chaos has been taking place.

The Universe has conspired to teach me many lessons lately. From a toxic neighbour to two failed real estate deals…it has come home to me in a stronger way that I am not the one running the show.

For two years I have lived next door to a demanding neighbour. Our doors are set in a 90 degree corner from each other. Being a fair and accommodating person, I had not realized how stressful it was living in such close proximity to this woman until, due to a strata issue, my neighbour verbally attacked me.

Although my place has a lovely view, the apartment itself has never been right for me. I had not thought previously of moving but the disturbing “event” with my neighbour propelled me into taking a look at quite a different unit in another part of our complex, one that has more privacy and is more like a small cottage.

My friend Joe became my agent. We rushed to prepare both offer and selling contracts and to get my place ready to go on the market. We were after a quick purchase and rapid sale so no short term mortgage would be needed. “We’re selling the view”, Joe said. (Unfortunately the view of the Gibsons harbour and North Shore mountains was obscured by wildfire smoke that week, but we would make do, using the pics from two years ago when I purchased the property)

Pictures of the inside of my place were taken and our offer made, but the very morning my place was to be listed, the other unit was taken off market. We did not find out why, until later, when we were told that the seller had lost the big old house she wanted farther up the Sunshine Coast.

Now that deal had gone south and she was bidding on the big house again, with her apartment here going back on market.

“Everything’s ready, let’s go for it”, said Joe. But this time he repeatedly cautioned me to keep emotions out of it.

You can probably guess what happened next…There were multiple offers on the big house, and my “seller” lost out on it yet again. I felt for the woman.

“We are being asked to loosen out grip on plans, timelines and outcomes. The Universe is shifting pieces behind the scenes…Stay open, receptive and willing to step into alignment when the door opens.” April Ripley wrote on her facebook page.

I think that should be my new motto, not an easy challenge.

My Lessons: Detachment both with the neighbour and to the outcome of buying the new place. Strong boundaries with the neighbour…I’ve been too fair and too nice for too long.

The whole thing was too rushed, but there were reasons for this exercise relating to letting go of outcome. Each time we moved farther ahead in terms of readiness to move.

Hopefully it will happen next year. Now I wait…and I purge my home!

Turning Corners – 5th Anniversary

On By ellenbessoIn change, Grief, kundalini awakening, lifestyle change, spiritual awakening, Widows2 Comments

Fifth anniversaries can be turning points in our lives. The lead up to the fifth anniversary marking my soulmate’s transition to spirit on August 7th, 2020 has been long. For weeks I’ve been aware that it is coming and it feels quite different from the others.

It will be my first time on my own, without daughter or friends around me, after various celebratory gatherings and prayers or quiet time with our daughter the other years.

This is my choice. In some ways the fifth year feels anticlimactic. In other ways it looms very large on the landscape of my life. My forward movement is accelerating and I sense there will be no looking back now.

My body is unbalanced, with migrating pains. First my right shoulder, now my hips/low back. I believe the pain relates to the anniversary, my continuing kundalini awakening journey and most of all to the powerful planetary conditions allowing our spirits to heal. Currently the annual Lions Gate Portal is open, from July 26th, peaking August 8th. It interests me that Don chose to leave the planet at the peak of this portal time.

I have begun two rituals that will be completed that day, the first a large Vision Board of intentions moving forward, the second a small memory box symbollizing our past.

This month is not just about Don’s transition to spirit. Our wedding anniversary is ten days after that and the birth and death of our first child is sandwiched in between.

It is a special time of remembering, unique. During this time of growth, of movement to higher dimensions, many of us are revisiting and releasing very old memories from our past, both of this lifetime and past lives. In a way lifetimes are converging.

Post Script: On Thursday August 7th I spent a lovely day, alone for the most part, speaking to my somatic counsellor, walking in the beautiful woods in Upper Gibsons, resting, and later dining with my friend in the Greek Restaurant we have all enjoyed for many, many years.

Love & Light

Ellen

The Tree

On By ellenbessoIn change, Grief, lifestyle change, Nature, Spirituality in Action1 Comment

Beside a quiet lane in the small town of Gibsons, a beautiful pine tree grows at the bottom of our former garden. The tree is 50-60 years old.

Over the years this special tree has been the focus of many events, both celebrations and grief. During the years I hosted our Net of Light/Grandmothers womens’ group we did empowerments and drummed around the tree.

Immediately upon hearing that my daughter’s dear friend had taken her life, I went outside and hugged that tree. I did not consciously do this, another part of me walked me out there. That’s where Don found me, and together we slowly walked around the neighbourhood, while we let this devastating news settle.

When our dear old dog passed away his funeral took place there in that tiny woods. We named Blackie’s shining qualities, tossing bits of paper with the words into the grave where he lay at rest, wrapped in my red terrycloth robe. Our wonderful next door neighbours attended, with Brian playing two songs for us on his small bagpipes, while Michele stood at the back with babe in arms, not wanting to intrude.

Yesterday evening during our Dark Woods of Grief Support Group, called “Grief and Praise”, we opened with a long somatic guided meditation, working with trees. Going into the group I felt very tired, most of us seemed to be. I sensed I was still processing the wonderful outdoor jazz music from the day before through my energy system. I continued with the next part of the group, the writing portion, but only part of me was present. I chose to exit the session before our breakout sharing groups, sending a chat note to let everyone know I was leaving.

Immediately after the meditation I became aware that this remarkable tree in our garden held unforgettable memories for myself and many friends. The session was complete for me at this point. This was the reason my soul had guided me to this particular group on this night.

I am very grateful for this opportunity to recognize and to process, then release the deep emotional significance of the tree.

Response to Kundalini Update

On By ellenbessoIn kundalini awakening, spiritual awakeningLeave a comment

Since we have been unable to post this uplifting and thoughtful comment from Al Fike from the Divine Love Foundation, I am publishing it as a stand alone post. Thank you so much Al. Love and blessings, Ellen

Thanks for sharing your kundalini experiences Ellen. The journey of soul development through receiving Divine Love is different from what you describe. Soul awakening in its pure form does not have a physical component, though everyone who has a body will inevitably have some form of physical response. Sensitive as you are, those responses may become intense, but in time they pass and a gentler, more blissful experience comes with the inflowing of God’s Love. I would encourage you to continue to pray for this blessing and as you have described your experience with kundalini energy, you will find your way through this transformational journey of soul awakening. We all take our own path to enlightenment and yours is unique. I hope that you keep on travelling to the shores of truth, finding your way through blessed and guided experiences in the spiritual. With love……..Al Fike

Kundalini Update

On By ellenbessoIn change, Grief, kundalini awakening, meditation2 Comments

Once kundalini begins to awaken, it starts to “bulldoze” all your systems including your emotions, in order to clear blockages in body-mind-soul, to infuse you with a higher energy level, Leyla Lampi, a Swedish Psychologist writes. This description is very accurate, and honours the difficult pathway that kundalini awakeners often face.

Nine years is not an excessive length of time for a long term kundalini awakening, I recently read. Symptoms of my spontaneous awakening were noticeable in the spring of 2016, with energy coming into my neck through my occiputs, creating a need to rest and support my neck.

I did not have a name for what was happening for some time, knowing only that higher energies enter through the space between the occiputs, as taught by my first meditation teacher at the Self Realization Centre here in Gibsons. I researched on my own and realized it was a spontaneous kundalini awakening.

Kundalini rising is activation of the life force that is stored in the base of our spine. Kundalini energy uses a lot of prana or chi as it is transforms the body, including the brain. My 2019 articles explain both my own process and the awakening process in general.

My background and spiritual longings predisposed me to this experience. Spontaneous awakening can occur in people who have a strong soul desire to progress spiritually, and who are meditators and/or have experienced trauma and/or intense energy work.

Only recently did I realize that this process began within a year of my participation in multiple Divine Love Sanctuary Foundation prayer evenings, a profound experience that combined the gentle influx of powerful energy with channelled messages brought forth by Al Fike.

As we continue to progress through stages of kundalini, the surge of nervous system energy can exacerbate existing symptoms and various other symptoms may re-appear, coming and going. For example, crying, antsy, anxious feelings, heightened sensitivity to people and surroundings, up and down sleep patterns.

Previously dense and deep, there have been many shifts over the past couple of years. It is processing in a different way now, softer and nearer the surface. At this point I feel that the kundalini and I are working together instead of me feeling attacked by it. My strong sense is that the energy is intertwined with the powerful forces entering the planet over the last few months, with rare astrological occurrences that have not been seen for 100 or more years.

During my months in Mexico I noticed that while the kundalini visits came and went, coming on randomly, their nature and quality changed due to the major healing and releasing I experienced there. My sense was I was experiencing fewer blocks and my intuitive daughter agreed.   

Over the past couple of years I received strong intuitive messages to stop participating in Divine Love prayer sessions and monthly Divine Love related distant healings offered by friends. Last year I began Sahaja Kundalini Yoga Meditation, recommended by my chiropractor, a long time practitioner. Although the small amount of guided work I did helped me shift energy, it was much too strong.

I recently read that healings like this stimulate the spine, activating the kundalini. The chiropractic and acupuncture treatments I receive also do this, however I feel they benefit me structurally, (chiro) and balance my meridians (acupuncture).

All these powerful healings were stirring me up, and in the case of the Sahaja Yoga, deliberately causing the energies to rise towards my head chakra. This is counterproductive for me as my challenge is to remain grounded. That’s why I do the medical chi gong Microcosmic Orbit frequently throughout the day.

Fortunately I have begun working with a Somatic Counsellor recently, whose Dark Woods of Grief site I “discovered” while surfing the internet a few months ago. She has given me the language to describe my needs…the ones my intuition wisely helped me with. “Some people need to be activated”, Josea said, “You need to be contained”. That is why most energy modes are too much for me at this time, now that my nervous system vibrates in a different, more sensitive way.

Timing is everything in life. I have begun my work with Josea and the team at a time when my kundalini journey is more productive, in the sense that the blocks have lessened. It wouldn’t have been as helpful when the energies were very dense and deep. I am ready now. Although the experience is still challenging often, I experience occasional surges of energy moving up my spine to my head, and sometimes tingles or pings that show me that the kundalini is opening, flowing more, taking me closer to a life of joy and ease, with deeper connection to spirit.

I just found this Myree Morsi’s site: – excellent kundalini information

Melaque Magic Update

On By ellenbessoIn change, Grief, lifestyle change, Positivity, spirituality, The Earth, travel, Widows3 Comments

“This is what you came here for, to change your life”. The Grandmothers

On the plane to Mexico on January 9th a strange thought crossed my mind: “I’m going home”. “What, I just left home”, I said to myself. I did not know what was coming but the magic began that very evening on the beach.

While most friends seemed to appreciate my profound experience of the first evening, when Don subtly emerged through the beach portal in West Melaque, I felt something was missing.

The spiritual experience of that evening set the tone for the next two months. The healing energy of the sand and water, listening to and performing music, meeting Mexican families and making new friendships all came together to catalyze my internal change.

My days settled into a comfortable routine: My morning ritual was a walk on the Malecon boardwalk followed by coffee under a beach umbrella, served to me by the lovely Tito, owner, along with his wife, of Tito’s Place, where everything began the night of my arrival. The sound of the waves hitting the shore and the fascinating soaring birds transported me.

Reviewing my journal notes from spring 2024, I noticed my guides had told me that my first solo Mexican trip that winter “was the start of a massive change”. The latest trip, I now realize, was a transcendent experience.

“A transcendent experience, however you arrive at it, is like a portal that opens, inviting you to walk through”, Anita Moorjani, known for her powerful near death experience, writes. Once opened, it never closes, Moorjani goes on to say, so the clarity of wisdom never disappears.

As my time in Melaque drew to an end it felt like time to return home, although I was not fully ready to leave this special place, the backdrop for transformation, where I discovered a sense of peace within.

Never have I experienced such a long and laborious re-entry from travels, not even after my first trip to India, where I have lived many past lives. This was a different experience, not so much an awareness of having lived in Melaque in the past as it was simply being caught up in the special energetic flow of the area.

During Don’s and my visit to the town in 2001 we made two brief visits to Tito’s for margaritas. Tito remembered Don from that time when he saw his picture. Because of that long ago time in Melaque I felt compelled to return this year and it proved to be an experience of deep healing. The peace I found there allowed me to dive deep into myself.

My open mic singing, (somehow encouraged by Don during the portal experience), was an important part of my spiritual shift in Mexico, and it took starting to sing open mic at the Legion here in Gibsons to finally bring me full circle, back to my permanent home.

A curious thing happened during my first Legion visit. Since I was nervous, I decided to pretend I was in Melaque, walking into the Legion, ordering a mug of Mexican draft beer and settling myself in the song circle.

My song choices were pieces I had sung in Mexico, “The Rose” and “They Call the Wind Maria”. I gave it my all, and received positive feedback from the other musicians. It was almost like I transferred my experience of singing in Mexico and the confidence and the energy of it to this new venue.

This week we sang The Rose at my ukelele group, and although not soloing, I had a similar experience…as if I was somehow channelling the energy of Melaque into and through the song.

Don came to the Melaque beach to help me move forward…to open more to life, I sense. He was very much with me in that beach community the entire two months I was there. His encouragement to take my music seriously helps me with my overall change.

Yet another level of our physical separation occurred, catalyzed by the portal experience. Our energetic soul connection will never be severed after many lifetimes together.

Melaque was not a “time out of time” experience, it was my life for two very real months. It cannot be reproduced…it can, however be built upon, a new starting out point for me.

Solo Travelling

On By ellenbessoIn spiritual awakening, travel, Widows2 Comments

This two month trip to Melaque Mexico was guided. I felt compelled to go there, to the place Don and I had visited so long ago in 2001. I did not know why I was going, just that I needed to.

I was nervous about the trip for several weeks before leaving, sensing something important was about to happen. My intuition was correct; the sojourn there was remarkable, more uplifting than I had ever imagined.

Beginning the first evening at Tito’s Restaurant on the beach in West Melaque, the magic never stopped. I wrote about my uplifting portal experience that night in a blog called Don Softly Returns and will write more about the depth of it soon. The experience nudged me into singing open mic inside Tito’s the next afternoon, something I had not done before.

My singing over the next two months, the many new friendships and the first night’s profound experience all made my time in Melaque a rich spiritual experience. The town is a special place where many folks return year after year. I sense the energy draws them, perhaps on an unconscious level. The West beach area is particularly uplifting, but the entire town seems to have maintained the mellow vibe we noticed on our first visit 24 years ago.

I needed to travel by myself, that was key to the spiritual shift that happened. Solo travel, while providing a certain freedom, is not for everyone. It takes a certain type of person, a particular personality if you will, to travel alone. I know other women who do this, they are in relationships and also travel alone.

“Loneliness is part of travelling alone” says a well travelled neighbour. Although I was encompassed by the soft, healing energy of the West Melaque Beach and enjoyed time with numerous new friends and acquaintances, I was at all times conscious that I was alone in a deeper sense. Thirty years of travelling as a family and later in a couple had not prepared me for this.

I have travelled alone before for shorter times. Last February’s trip to Bucerias Mexico was not meant to be a solo trip, however my friend had to cancel about ten days before the leaving date. That trip worked out quite well as my small, five unit casita was populated by friendly folks and I met a couple of other women in cafes. In Toronto, although alone, I have friends and relatives to visit with.

I learned a lot about myself and about others during this time alone. It took me a while, but finally I understood that in order to connect with others some commonalities may be needed. The small group that returned annually to the hotel were close friends over many years, some knew each other from 20 years in Vancouver. They were like a club, friendly enough, however I was the outsider, and the only single woman amongst men and couples during the first month of my stay. The multiple daily communal visits, involving for the most part male driven conversation, were not what I wanted I realized after trying to fit in for awhile.

I found my tribe through music, both with other musicians and the audience of family and friends, and with women with shared experience and interests. My friend from Texas, a holistic and spiritual woman, was a new widow, staying in a hotel near mine. A common art interest was shared with another new friend from the collage course at Centro de Arte y Cultura in the town centre.

At this point I am not planning to take such a lengthy trip by myself, although it’s hard to say, as plans seem to change rapidly these days.