There is no going back, I can only shift forward. The move from our family home was an enormous one on all levels. It took up the entire third year. The final decision was made early in the first month of the third year. My friend Judy, who lives nearby, tuned into my decision by walking past the back of the property on our lane.

Purging began in December, the fourth month, before the pause for Christmas preparations, and early January saw me thoroughly engaged in this practical, extremely emotional task. My friend Wendy took three loads of excess belongings to the Community Services thrift shop for me and I began tossing junk outside, preparing for the first of two big dump runs, the last one the very day before the house went on the market in late March.

The move and this fourth year flying solo without Don has brought a fresh onslaught of grief, the two events indistinguishable from each other. “Moving is a distraction” said my counsellor Heidi. I agreed. The move over and the physical settling in done, space opened for more grief to be processed.

“I just want it to stop” I said to my acupuncturist a month ago. She suggested I go back on a low dose of antidepressant, but I said no as it took me a year to detox from the liquid Prozac. So she researched & found a Spirit Tonic for me, to help with the emotions and the deeper exhaustion. Over a very few days it helped move me along, physically releasing and emptying more grief from my body, then it tipped me over into grief bursts, (sudden crying spells).

There are many grief models and they don’t all agree. The best model is a self developed, personal plan…what each grieving woman or man has found through their experience to be their grief process.

There is no order to the stages of grief, we flip back and forth between them. I found a good article about the depression stage, the longest and hardest time. I fit some of the criteria, however I am high functioning, I do not isolate or stay in bed. Many people are depressed and high functioning, my daughter reminded me.

People who know me well are fooled by my positive presentation and starting/re-starting of projects. They see me moving forward, seemingly upbeat when we meet. I even fool myself! Until I spiral into sadness, blunted emotions; loss of meaning and crying.

The bright light at the end of the tunnel is acceptance of our loss, something that seems distant and ephemeral. I am working on acceptance of Don’s physical departure, it is slow and I am making good progress. I have come a long way in the past month or so.

Mary Francis, Sisterhood of Widows recently posted a blog that segues nicely with this one. https://sisterhoodofwidows.com/2023/08/07/you-are-not-alone/

Please Note: Photo is used by permission of Simon Matzinger

Ellen Besso is a retired life coach/counsellor, published author, energy worker and practitioner of yoga and Deepak Chopra meditation.

Ellen’s books, An Indian Sojourn: One woman’s spiritual experience of  travel and volunteering and Surviving Eldercare: Where their needs end and yours begin, can be purchased through Amazon. She is currently working on a Grief Memoir about the loss of her long time soulmate, Don, incorporating the story of her partner’s physical downturn and their soul connection since his physical departure.

Ellen

Copyright 2023