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MidLife Caregiver Part 3 – Trying to do too much
Are you a woman who takes on myriad responsibilities, both necessary and discretionary? Though some would argue otherwise, our biology may set us up for caretaking.
Additionally we’re often taught both by example and by explicit instruction that we are responsible for caretaking others. For example, I, born at the tail-end of 40′s, was taught to always put family first. I was specifically advised by my mother to “have a little job”, that didn’t interfere with my primary function. Of course, by the time I reached the workforce, all bets were off for that, and women had careers in all walks of life!
Often many of us take our roles as nurturer of others to such great lengths that it may be hard to tell where others’ needs end and our own needs begin. This commitment to nurture others, be it our family, friends, community members or co-workers, often means that there’s not much left over for us. Not enough time to be alone, enough energy or drive to exercise, eat well, spend time with friends and so on and so on.
In the midlife years we go through many changes – a whole body circuitry wiring according to Dr. Christiane Northrup (http://www.drnorthrup.com/womenshealth/index.php). By menopause our nurturing hormones, (oxytocin, which is estrogen-dependent) have decreased considerably. We may not even feel like caregiving to the extent that we used to.
When our midlife years come, the increased care often needed by our aging parents may present insurmountable challenges for us. Things come to a crunch. We may still have young adults living at home, or may be starting new projects such as volunteer work or school, or just looking forward to doing way less, and now our parents need more of our time. Or we may be sandwiched between aging parents and grandchildren.
If you are a woman who feels over-stretched by her work and her responsibilities to others, ask yourself the following questions and note the answers in your journal:
“What can I change here?”
“What is the story I’m telling myself that keeps me feeling this way?” (e.g. I must do ____ (fill in the blanks) because if I don’t ___ will happen”. How can you change this story?
“What are the feelings I’m experienceing here? (e.g. exhaustion, resentment, sorrow, guilt)
Next week my MidLife Caregiving topic will be “How We Change in MidLife”
My e-book on The MidLife Caregiver will be available through my website this fall
Excellent post, and so true. Somehow we have to find a way, individual to each of us, to balance our lives for our emotional and physical wellbeing. elaine
Hi Elaine: Thanks for taking the time to comment on my article. It’s not easy, but doable. More challenging in palliative & hospice care situations I think than long-term declining of elders.
Warm regards
Ellen