Coping with Caregiving
You can hear me speak about elder caregiving on Segment One of the “Coping with Caregiving” radio show discussing Where Their Needs End and Yours Begin with host, Jacqueline Marcell, author of “Elder Rage“.

The show aired on June 13th.

You can listen to the archive via Windows Media Player (Windows or MAC) or Real Player (Windows). Learn more about listening to WSRadio.

Monica’s teenage son went off to college last September. Then her family business, where she worked, went under. At first, she was grateful for the peace and quiet, but she’s now having trouble getting into motion again: “I just feel like giving up and hiding in a hole for the next ten years.

Monica is in the midst of a transition. They often happen in mid life, but they can also be brought about by an unasked-for change. When this happens, one chapter of our lives has come to a close and a new one hasn’t begun. The uncomfortable gap in between, when we may feel malaise or even panic is what it means to be in transition.

I learned this perspective from Candice Carpenter in her book Chapters. Because we’re all living longer and change is accelerating, we will go through many chapters, each with its own dramas, excitement, requirements and difficulties. Just like with a great novel, we may not be sure where the story will take us and can feel lost or confused.

I love Carpenter’s approach because it helps us make sense of our lives as a whole, and encourages us to seek the narrative of our lives beneath the surface of our day-to-day activities. When I work with people like Monica, I ask them to go back through their lives and name the chapters they’ve lived through so far. Then, in order to help them get their future thinking going, I ask them what they’d like the next chapter to be called. That’s important because, as the quote says, “pain pushes until vision pulls.” The more we’re connected to what we want to go toward in our lives, the more energy and enthusiasm we have to make the journey. But remember, just like in a book, you usually don’t know exactly what’s in the next chapter until you’ve lived it. That’s what makes life so exciting—and challenging!

Go back and give the chapters of your life titles. Then look at the pattern. What do you want the name of your next chapter to be?  There should be some sense of excitement when you say it. That’s a clue that you’re in touch with some real desire.
This is no idle exercise. I did it when I turned 50 and noticed how much work and effort my life contained up to that point. So I named the next chapter “Easy Does It.” And so far at least, my 50s have in fact been the most effortless decade of my life.

Your life has a trajectory that is created from some mysterious combination of outside pressures and internal longings. We don’t have to rotely bend ourselves into whatever shape seems to be called for, but to use the pressure to become more of who we are and offer more of what we have to give.

About MJ

A member of Professional Thinking Partners who is recognized as a leading expert in change, M.J. Ryan specializes in coaching high performance executives, entrepreneurs, individuals, and leadership teams around the world to maximize performance and fulfillment. Her clients include Microsoft, Royal Dutch Shell, Chevron, Hewitt Associates, and Frito Lay. Her work is based on a combination of positive psychology, strengths-based coaching, the wisdom traditions, and cutting edge brain research. Her new book, titled “AdaptAbility: How to Survive Change You Didn’t Ask For” was recently released published by Random House’s Broadway Books.  She lives in the San Francisco Bay Area with her husband and daughter.

Here is the link to MJ’s website.

Ryan Malone writes from the perspective of a sensitive man unexpectedly thrust into the role of primary caregiver for his mother at age 33. Malone’s books, By Families for Families Guide to Assisted Living,  with an accompanying workbook and Your First Month in Assisted Living reflect his personal experiences along with the extensive research he did, aided by his sister, to find the best possible care situation for his mother. A stroke survivor at age 73, Lucy endured months of hospitalisation and operations before ultimately settling in the care facility her family chose for her, where she was able to rehabilitate to the point of once again walking.

Malone’s books are practical, yet full of heart. They are backed up by thorough research, including surveys of close to 200 families. He has a keen awareness of his mother’s needs and his sensitivity to them is very touching at times.

In his books the writer integrates an overwhelming amount of material on eldercare and presents it in a way that the busy reader, struggling with decisions about their parent’s care, can easily access the information they need when they need it.

The main book explains the many aspects of elder health and eldercare well, including  how to identify signs of physical and mental decline and what falls outside the range of acceptable changes. Malone takes us step- by-step through the process of researching and locating the care facility that best suits the needs of our parent. The many types of care are well explained and approximate costs of each are given. This is important information because there is such a variety of care levels and care facilities in the US, and adult children beginning their investigation need as much information as possible in order to make the best decisions. Care facility contracts and other legal information are also included.

The important chapter “Interviewing Administration and Staff” outlines the criteria Malone and his family developed to help them choose the right facility for their mother. I was very pleased to see that ‘gut feeling’ was included in the criteria because the atmosphere of a care facility is very important and this cannot be assessed by logic alone.

The tools and exercises that accompany By Families for Families are clear & concise and will help caregivers to clarify their situation. They would be particularly helpful in a crisis situation when emotions are running high and clear thinking might be a challenge.

Malone’s inclusion of the chapter “What about you?” with its accompanying worksheets is significant, as proper self-care can mean the difference between good health for the caregiver and caregiver burnout. Because caregivers often go beyond the call of duty, many of them could benefit greatly from being shown how to care for themselves.

Asking for help is part of caregiver self-care. Malone’s comment “No one will know you need them unless you ask them” is very true. It’s difficult for others to anticipate what is required. He also includes some simple, powerful tips for dealing with caregiver stress. Malone says we need ‘the space’ in order to manage stress and unpredicted life events. He himself re-organized his life and prioritised his commitments to care for his mother as well as himself and his family.

The companion book, Your First Month in Assisted Living,  is like an addendum to By Families For Families.  It offers important information that will help new care home residents adjust more easily. Included are sensitive topics such as interacting with other residents, when to ask for help, and what friends can do to help with the initial transition. I particularly like ‘Mom’s Tips”, part of Your First Month.

Written by both Ryan Malone and his mother Lucy Malone, Your First Month will speak to aging people in a special way because Lucy writes from her personal experience. It is also a wonderful example of elders being involved in the planning and delivery of their care.

The book has a couple of minor shortcomings in my view:

• I found the “Tips for Staff Members” to be out of context with the rest of By Families for Families.

• The story of Lucy Malone is a very beautiful and moving one and I would have liked to hear more about Lucy and her life. I found her story somewhat buried within the practical information. I was happy to read more about Lucy near the end of Your First Month under “It finally clicked”. Perhaps there’s another book about Lucy to come!

All in all I find the books to be extremely valuable resources for adult children just beginning or in the midst of assessing and planning their parent’s care. Many will benefit from Ryan Malone’s work.

You can access Ryan’s website, Inside Elder Care through this link.

Well, the warm weather has officially arrived here on the West Coast of British Columbia - 30 degrees Celsius give or take, depending on whether you’re near the water or inland (about 85 Fahrenheit for all you American women).

I’m enjoying a little gardening these days, but mostly I love just soaking in the incredible brightness of the atmosphere and the astounding range of colours in my garden and around the community.

Professionally I’m on the move with my business and promoting my book. We have a new look on the website. While keeping the beautiful red and yellow graphics, we’ve streamlined everything for easy reading and simplified access to all the sections of my site. By adding direct links to my social networking sites: Twitter, LinkedIn and Facebook we will be able to keep you up to date on my activities.

What I’m particularly excited about are the upcoming radio and television interviews where I will be talking about what it means to be a midlife woman who is also caregiver to a parent or relative and my ebook Where Their Needs End and Yours Begin for the MidLife Caregiver.

The first show is coming up soon on Saturday June 13th, 2009 at 3:00pm PDT. Segment One on the “Coping with Caregiving” radio show discussing Where Their Needs End and Yours Begin with host, Jacqueline Marcell, author of “Elder Rage”. If you miss the live broadcast, you can listen to the archive via Windows Media Player (Windows or MAC) or Real Player (Windows). Learn more about listening to WSRadio.

For more media appearances, look for the schedule on my Home Page under What’s New.

This morning I had a dream. In my dream I bought a dress…the most beautiful dress imaginable. It was full length - woven and gold-beaded on the top while the bottom was bright reds and blues with a few other colors mixed in.

But the problem was that even as I was paying for the dress, I knew that it was a mistake to buy it – because I had nowhere to wear it! So I tried to return it right then but none of the many staff in the store had the authority to do that. I waited for the manager to come before the store closed. Then I went to another branch of the store, hoping to be able to get my money back there.

The dream ended without the closure I was looking for. It just kind of fizzled out.
*************

• But was the closure I was seeking right for me?

• Was it even possible?

I pondered dream a bit as I walked along the street and when I sat on a bench by the Gibsons harbor. I gestalted parts of it, becoming the dress. As the dress I was so beautiful…so sparkly…so dynamic. But in my dream I didn’t put the ‘skin’ of the dress on…my skin. I tried to return it to where it came from. I didn’t embrace it. The people I asked to help me couldn’t do what I wanted.

I believe that I was unable to return the dream dress BECAUSE ONCE WE BUY THE DRESS, THERE’S NO GOING BACK! Once we step out and begin to embrace our beauty, our perfection, our dreams and our possibilities, we’ve put ourselves out there for all the world to see, in all our glory.

It doesn’t make any difference whether we’ve done this symbolically by setting a clear intention about something, or in a concrete way like writing a book and publishing it. We’re out there baby!

It’s what the Law of Attraction people are always on about. They call it the energy. We’ve put it out to the Universe and it’s there in the ethers now!

So even if we doubt ourselves, if we sabbotage ourselves, the intention towards our dreams we set with our thoughts and our actions live on. We’ve already taken that big first step. There’s no going back now. So we may as well see it through as positively as we can, without struggling.

PS When we helped our daughter move recently, she sent a dress home for storage. It’s not exactly the dress of my dreams, but it’s very special, made in Guatemala - blue, green, gold & purple. I will wear it around my house & it will be my symbolic dream dress.