Ellen Besso Coaching

“When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old.”, Mark Twain.

I’ve always looked young for my age. It was so embarrassing when the janitor in my Junior Highschool stopped my friend and I in the corridor to ask us where we were going, also annoying when I wanted to drink before I turned 21 (that was the age then in Ontario) and it felt insulting being asked for ID years after I was finally of age.

Then, as I moved through midlife, it became quite enjoyable to look five to ten years younger than my chronological age. I guess my genes are good, I’ve got Welsh skin, and I’ve looked after myself fairly well re diet and sleep, and in the latter years with exercise, and have released lots of old emotions that show up on the face through acupuncture etc.

But as I grew older I became more and more aware that looking youthful was a good thing, the optimum goal, in my society, because aging just wasn’t okay. Being a product of my culture I’ve not liked the signs of aging I’ve noticed on my body, and preferred to pretend they weren’t happening (you know, the old, ‘everyone else is looking older but not me’ idea).

Talk about delusional…This sounds ridiculous even as I write it, but I have a preferred mirror in my house, in the bathroom, where I experience sort of a Through the Looking Glass kind of metamorphosis: In my own eyes I look younger in that mirror than I do in the mirrors in the house or elsewhere. Go figure!

My dislike of growing old was really brought home to me when I turned 60 last spring and I didn’t want to celebrate the event.(My friend hosted a nice, small dinner party for me in the end). When I was away recently in India, I caught myself saying negative things about my aging several times, as we often met younger travelers on our way. I was aware of my comments and also of their responses, which boiled down to ‘you’re as young as you feel; just keep fit”.

So I made up my mind to embrace the aging that is beginning to show more on my face – embrace and love it. Naming my bias and setting the intention to change makes a real difference for me.

I spoke about all of this to a woman I’ve known for many years just last week. She said that the ‘keep fit, young as you feel’ variety of comments were dissmissive of aging people. I had to agree with that.

We also both agreed that being told that you don’t look your age is implying that there’s something wrong with looking that age. That’s comes as no surprise at all in our youth driven society. I’ve written about that before, so I won’t belabor it now.

I invite you, as part of your Daily Coaching Practice to consider the following:

• What judgments did I make about myself or someone else today or this week because of their age?
• How do I beat myself up because of my internalized ageism?
• What new messages do I want to give myself about aging?