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When a friend is dealing with terminal illness
I have a friend; a woman who’s been part of my small town network for almost 20 years. She received word recently that her cancer has recurred. Her medical caregivers, who are very supportive from what she tells me, say they can ‘manage’ her illness so she may have a few more years to live. In the meantime her daughter is struggling with a very aggressive form of the same cancer. Her hope is to support her daughter as best she can while receiving her own treatment and caring for herself.
When a friend or their family member is terminally ill how can we be with them in a way that supports them while not draining us? How do we act? What should we say? Some will back away from them, treating them like pariahs, while others will fall all over themselves trying to do too much. Both of these approaches send the message to the person that they are no longer one of us – they are ‘sick people’, ‘patients’, ‘victims of a disease’, ‘perhaps dying’.
- How can we be take a middle ground and stay the course with them as long as they need us?
Most of us will have our own grieving to do – for our friend and for the parts of our own past that are incomplete. If we take the time, give ourselves permission and have the courage, we may then be able to be present for our friend in the best ways possible. We may continue our friendship, and may go on a loving, transformative journey with them.
This is very hard stuff, make no mistake about it. It’s not always possible for us to do this. It may be too much for us at this time. We ourselves may have already experienced too many losses of those dear to us. And that’s okay – okay to make the choice that feels right for us at this time in our life.
- Others will be available to help if we cannot be there; we needn’t feel that we must do it all.
This is so beautifully written – and comes at the perfect time for me.
Thank you.
Hi Sunny: Thank you for writing. It’s a tough one for all of us definitely.
Warm thoughts.
Ellen