Ellen Besso Coaching

Whether our parents or  important others in our lives modelled it, or if we came out of the womb with our personalities already shaped, most of us have perfectionistic tendencies, at least in some areas. While it’s great to do whatever we’re doing well, the stress that develops in us if we always push ourselves towards higher achievement in each and every area of our lives, can reach unbelievable heights. This takes an enormous toll on us physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

In Saturday’s Vancouver Sun, Jennifer Newman puts a different spin on an old exercise, one I’ve described before from the Martha Beck POV.  Newman suggests that when beginning a project, we make a list of the most important tasks, going downward to the least important, then categorize them according to the standard they require: E for excellent, S for Satisfactory and G for Good Enough. Then we can allocate tasks not in the excellent category  others. We’re now not micromanaging, in that exhausting way that burns us out and that others find extremely annoying and erodes their confidence in themselves.

Striving for “good work” rather than “perfect work” in every little aspect of our lives allows us to relax, to let down a little, something that many of us find difficult nowadays. Developed to help mothers involved in the child welfare system, to enhance their parenting skills without demoralizing them, thus reducing their effectiveness, the “Good Enough” concept can be applied to any subject or activity. I wrote a short blurb about it on my facebook caregiver support group, Surviving & Thriving – a Caregiver Group just the other day in fact.

Glendon Wiebe writes thoughtfully about our society’s drive for excellence in December’s Insights into Clinical Counselling, published by the BC Association of Clinical Counsellors, the organization I belong to. Widespred media coverage of everything imaginable has given many of us, especially the most impressionable children, like his own, the idea that if we’re not the best at a sport or some other action activity, we just don’t count.

I believe most of us, us “big kids” too, have absorbed this idea and that it contributes to our perfectionist pushing, the sense of never being quite good enough, or having accomplished quite enough. We compare ourselves and quantify our performances, and more often than not, feel that we come up lacking, whether it’s in our business, our social life, the coolness of the place we live in, our wardrobe, whatever – and the big one of course – our income.

We’re probably never going to go back to a pre-media, pre-social networking society, but we can choose how much exposure we want to give ourselves and our families and how we react to what we see there. Perhaps the best way to appreciate ourselves and our contributions more and to pressure ourselves less, is to remember the old concept of comparing ourselves and our progress to what we did previously, not to others’ accomplishments.

1. Bron says:

   January 13, 2012 at 3:19 am

   i found the article:

   http://www.vancouversun.com/story_print.html?id=5961740&sponsor=

   this is my favourite part! all good food for thought.

   “… to remember the old concept of comparing ourselves and our progress to what we did previously, not to others’ accomplishments.”
2. Jen Waller says:

   January 23, 2012 at 9:31 am

   What a great post, thank you for sharing.

   I find that so many of us spend so much time focusing on what is still to be done. Yet very little, if any, time and energy can go towards acknowledging what we have already achieved.
3. Ellen Besso says:

   February 1, 2012 at 12:41 pm

   Thanks Jen. Yes, we live in such a results-driven society!

   Best
   Ellen
4. Kent Julian says:

   March 29, 2012 at 11:10 pm

   Hi Ellen! Thank you so much for sharing this post. You have a very insightful approach to your writings. Two thumbs up for that!

   In this fast paced world, most people are striving hard to get the perfect life and work they all ever wanted. What happened is many people get stuck when trying to make the move to the life and work they love simply because they are too busy sharpening their pencil. Contentment is out of reach. When this happen, most will result to compare their lives to others and ends up in deep frustration. So instead of being frustrated when you compare yourself to the glory of others, compete with yourself more. That’s the surest way to improve and appreciate life even better.

   Thanks again for this great reminder Ellen. Keep on posting!
5. Ellen Besso says:

   April 1, 2012 at 1:55 pm

   Thanks for writing Kent. Your insights will be helpful to others I feel.

   Warmly
   Ellen