Ellen Besso Coaching

This article was originally published on Time to Thrive as a guest blog. Check out their other valuable financial blogs.

Money and sex have always been hot topics for us, that’s not news. We confront these issues all the time, whoever we are and whatever our lifestyle is. With the current economic conditions, money has moved to the forefront in many of our minds recently. We feel the stress brought on by more money going out than coming in.

Some people take the bull by the horns and deal with it; they tighten their belts, cut back where they can, get an extra job perhaps, cancel their vacation. But many of us, and I must admit I’m sometimes one, bury our heads in the sand like ostriches, preferring not to know that the red balance is slowly building as we max out our overdraft.

What holds us back from managing our money better? The answer is simple really, but the resolution perhaps a bit harder. Money triggers strong EMOTIONS in us, and it’s those emotions that keep us operating in an unproductive way…often shooting ourselves in the foot, so to speak. When we are able to remove the emotions from the mix, we can learn to manage our money in a balanced way, one that works for us personally.

Underlying the emotions are our THOUGHTS AND BELIEFS. Limiting, negative, or unproductive beliefs lead us to negative thoughts, then to an uproar of feelings that in turn drive our behaviors. Then we may end up doing exactly what we said we weren’t going to do with our money.

Let me give you a scenario to help you relate :

Jane’s money is tight; her hours have been cut at work, and she’s already in debt on her credit card. Jane likes to eat out several times a week and meet friends for coffee, and each month she usually buys at least one article of clothing for herself. Jane keeps telling herself repeatedly that she has to cut back, but here’s what happens: She does well for a few days, then one day she’s sitting at her desk at work and a thought crosses her mind: “Oh my God, there isn’t enough money, how will I get through the month!” Then Jane begins to worry and stew. By lunchtime she’s in such a turmoil that she just has to get out of the office and meet her friends to calm herself. Jane’s simple lunch just cost her $10. Over a month of lunches she’d be spending about $200, money she definitely can’t afford to spend right now.

Does this sound familiar?

There are many ways to deal with the thoughts and feelings that aren’t working for us, the ones that drive us to behave in counterproductive ways – ways that are the opposite of what we really want in our life. At times we need help getting started. My coaching instructor, Martha Beck (author of Finding Your Own North Star), once said to me “Sometimes we need some outside energy to help us”. I liked that, it took the stigma away from seeking help.

Try some of these suggestions to take the emotional charge out of your money management:

1. As soon as you notice you’re feeling upset or beating yourself up about your money situation, take 3 deep breaths: in through your nose, hold as long as it’s comfortable, then exhale long and hard through your mouth. This will calm you.
2. Work backwards to track your thoughts and emotions by asking yourself:

* “What am I feeling right this minute?”, then

* “What did I just tell myself to trigger that upsetting feeling?”, then

* “Is there any truth in this thought?”. If the answer is yes, then ask “Do I know for sure that it’s completely, 100% true?”. (The last point is derived from Bryon Katie’s work)

1. Contact a friend by phone or speak with a trusted colleague if you’re afraid you’re going to ‘slip’ and blow your budget.
2. Walk in nature – by the water or near trees – whenever possible to keep yourself grounded and connected with you (be sure to get outside morning, noon and night, even if just for 5 minutes).