Ellen Besso Coaching

Guilt is something many women deal with every day. We feel that we’re not doing all that we should be doing. We’re spread thin these days and we wear many hats: as professionals, employees, mothers, caregivers for elderly parents or ailing spouses, volunteer workers. You can pick the hats you wear from this list, and probably add many more that I haven’t even thought of.

But where does it end? As women move into increasingly active roles  in society, we still bear much of the responsibility for the traditional roles – the ones considered “women’s roles” in the past. The result of this is that many women lead a life of chronic exhaustion. Sure, they try to give themselves some “down time” or “friend time” just like the magazines recommend they do, but there are only so many hours in a day. Something has to give.

In addition to the tiredness women often feel guilty. It’s a vicious circle, often the more we do and the tireder we get, the more the guilt increases. Many women experience what I call a generalized guilt. It’s pervasive, like generalized anxiety is. We also experience guilt about specific things related to not being able to perform our roles quite well enough (in our minds).

Many women feel they’re not good mothers, daughters, workers, wives, etc. Studies have shown that when it comes to elder care,  the most devoted or “best daughters” felt the guiltiest! I believe this idea can be extrapolated to other roles we have as women, for example, the “best mothers” feel the most  guilt, the “best employees”, wives, and so on feel the guiltiest.

An interesting and controversial Spanish Journal of Psychology study was summarized on the website Sexploration; the study considered the differences in the guilt experienced by women and by men:

The results led  researchers to conclude that “habitual guilt [by which they mean a kind of internalized feeling of guilt] was more intense in women than in men in all three age groups studied.” When it came to “interpersonal guilt,” the kind of guilt related to how our action or inaction affects others, it was “significantly more intense in women than in men in the adolescent group, and in the 25-33 age group, the pattern of results was similar.” Older men, however, achieved a kind of interpersonal guilt parity with women.

Another report on the same study, but with a somewhat more succinct summary, was published on Softpedia.

Part of the guilt is genetic, according to this study; women are more empathic than men, therefore they feel more guilt. But an enormous part of the guilt we feel is caused by our  social conditioning. Many, perhaps most of us are trained to put others first and to look after them, often from a young age – our partners, our children, then in later years often our aging parents.

In researching my book Surviving Eldercare: Where Their Needs End and Yours Begin I discovered a European study that found many women were groomed and prepared in subtle ways to become caregivers for their elderly mothers when they were young women, many years before the caregiving actully began! When my mother was widowed at a young age, my mother-in-law warned me not to martyr myself by going overboard caring for my mother, as she had done. But I felt it was my job as a good daughter to care for her needs, and experienced guilt if I didn’t fulfil the”‘program” I’d set up in my head for her care.

Regardless of the reason behind the guilt you may be feeling, when you catch yourself starting to beat yourself up for not enough, or doing it good enough, try the following:

• Take 1-3 deep breaths, hold, then exhale.
• Ask yourself: “Who made this rule that I must do this particular thing or take this action?”
• Is it absolutely necessary that you do it?
• Can someone else do it?
• Would it be life threatening not to do it?
• What belief do you hold that is causing you guilt about this thing?
  
• What is the story you are telling yourself about it?
• Write a paragraph about what your life would be like if it was completely guilt-free.
  

I close with Elizabeth Gilbert’s May 2010 O Magazine message to all of us – to all the highly successful women she knows, and knows of, who feel they should be accomplishing more – “Lighten Up!”.

1. Carol says:

   July 30, 2010 at 5:43 pm

   So on target and helpful. And to go through those questions kind of feels like Byron Katie’s Work in a way. Getting down to the belief part is…hard to describe. Thank you!
2. Ellen Besso says:

   August 2, 2010 at 1:28 pm

   Carol: Thank you so much for taking the time to comment on my blog article. It’s true, I am influenced by Byron Katie, & by Martha Beck & these questions, although mine, definitely reflect those two amazing women!

   I’m really glad that you found them to be on target & helpful. The ‘story’ question is another way of getting to the belief; sometimes one way will appeal, sometimes another (it may change from day to day). Yes, those deeply held core ones are tricky.

   You’re so welcome.

   Warm regards
   Ellen
3. bron says:

   August 5, 2010 at 2:34 pm

   great piece mom
4. Ellen Besso says:

   August 5, 2010 at 3:01 pm

   Thanks Bron.
   xo