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Spirituality Category
I can’t begin to tell you how happy I was the other day, when searching for definitions of middle age, I discovered that the eminent psychologist Erik Erikson categorizes midlife as ages 40 to 65 (the Oxford English Dictionary does too). I, and many others, persist in saying we are in mid life, even though by many societal definitions we’re not; the media and census definitions being a case in point – (35 to 50 is mid age per the U.S. census folks).
Sheila Rogers, a favourite comentator, implies in a CBC Knowledge Network promo that she and others of our age – (60ish) – are in mid life, as I do. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it and now I have support for this line of thought, even an official Erickson definition I can throw around, should anyone be so bold as to suggest otherwise!
I know we’re not supposed to define ourselves according to others’ opinions – but hey – who isn’t influenced by the constant barrage of youthfulness we see every day in the media and on the street?
Our priorities do change as we get older, some things, and even some relationships, just don’t feel important anymore and simply fall away. I like to think that for most of us, the things we really want to do get done at some point and in some fashion. For me, travel has become very important over the past few years. Somehow the money is found and the physical, pyschic and emotional strength is summoned to do it – as is always the case when my spirit is called. A shining example of this is my eventual arrival in India ”07 after a thirty year desire, then the longer trip there in ’09, long enough to volunteer in Dharamsala North India, a transformative experience.
Keeping our bodies healthy becomes a priority for most of us as we get older; eating well, getting some exercise, processing our thoughts and emotions in various ways, perhaps coffee with a friend, talking with our partner, writing, dancing, painting, endless possibilities for creative growth and joy exist.
Although I’ve been saying for quite a while, I don’t have endless energy, but I do pretty much everything I want to do, I’m only recently making the connection I mentioned above – the idea that when spirit calls I rally and go. Many people I know have endless energy for their business projects – whether they be stunning crafts, as my friend Helene, a retired teacher produces, or business coaching and publishing an on-line magazine called Timefinders, like my friend and coach Jill Crossland. This is what they’re called to do, as I am called to travel and to write especially, and to support and coach women and men who are open to change.
So I urge you, don’t let our society’s emphasis on youth hold you back – just do what moves you – be you, undefined by age.
Change is the name of the game for many of us of late. My personal process is eclectic as always, ranging from formal meditation, to the occasional Church visit, to psychic readings from friends (I seem to know quite a few psychics, interestingly).
My intuition is increasing as time goes on, as is yours, I’m sure. I’m working on tuning into it more and following the subtle guidance given to me by my internal self. I do find the key to moving through this chaotic time is to to continually ask myself, “What now, what’s the next step?…today, this year, this very moment.”
I find the occasionaly psychic reading validates what I’m already sensing and planning, and adds ideas to my projects. This week an old friend read for me, and oddly (to both of us), said I was too detached from material things!! She/they reminded me the importance of having a goal, visualizing it, and fleshing it out with as much detail as possible, even including writing a cheque to yourself (I’ve not done that before, but have heard of it).
If I give it the time and space, the answers always come. Sometimes I know I’m meant to do nothing, to simply breathe, to walk by the water, at other times creative inklings come to me, plans for the present and the future. For example, the facebook group I started a few weeks ago, Surviving & Thriving as a Caregiver, has been a joy to me; the response of the women and the interactions available on facebook are fun. In the fall an in-person support group will spin off from this group. Other plans for the fall, after months of quietness and “holding the space”, are volunteer coaching work with people with chronic and persistent mental illness, beginning Indian singing lessons and possible other volunteer projects along with my coaching work.
Everything happens at the right time; we’ve heard that over and over, but that’s a hard one to surrender to. Now after my changes of the past year and a half, in my work and my personal life (death of two people close to our family), I’m ready to move forward in different ways.
I began preparing myself for my mother’s departure a long time ago, even before she came to live in our community so that we could support her. Occasional dreams appeared in which I or we, (my partner and daughter) had to save my Mom; in those dreams she was called “Little Mommy”. Often water would be involved, perhaps she would fall off a dock and we would pull her out of the water. The dreams became even more prophetic before our last trip to India in the fall of 2009 when I dreamed that she disappeared from our bed where she was resting, leaving a pile of garments, only to reappear on a small bed in the same room as a baby, then the baby also disappeared, leaving behind red satin garments. That profound dream reminded me of the expression “dust to dust, ashes to ashes” because she was returning to a younger form of herself.
My mother left us in the early morning hours of April 13th; when she heard I was on my way her face changed, her nurse Ray said, and she went. I believe she then felt safe and comforted enough to let go. It was also clear that energetically I was there with her. Elizabeth Kubler Ross says that whoever is supposed to be there when a person dies is present in the room, even if they are not there physically, and I feel this was very much the case. (Most loved ones seem to die when their family is not in the room, from what friends and nurses at Totem Lodge have told me).
Our Celebration of Glenys’ life, held on a sunny, hot Saturday afternoon in our home, was joyful and uplifting. It was a simple gathering of friends and family, a reading of e-mails from family and colleagues in Toronto, some storytelling by myself and others who were present, followed by a toast to our Mom and a sharing of food. I believe it reflected the joyful, social person she was, for the most part. Everyone enjoyed the afternoon, and the next day I imagined Mom “looking down” (a reflection of my childhood Christian upbringing I suppose), clapping her hands and joyfully telling the family and friends with her, “They’re having a party for me”!
It’s been about two months since Mom left us, and the process goes on. Recently I had two dreams that reflect how I’m integrating her passing into who I am, and into my life. They also represent the circle of life, and the circle of mothers and daughters. When I did a vision board a few weeks ago, (pictures and words on posterboard), I hadn’t planned to, but began it with pictures of my mother and myself, and my daughter and myself, and used phrases such as “full circle” and “strength” and “open arms”.
My first dream, just a dream fragment, had a very young girl, hardly more than a baby, being thrown, more than once, to the curb of a road. For some reason she was not a three dimensional girl, she was rather flat, but in dreams unusual symbols appear. I motioned to my partner to pick up bits of her clothing, and I gently and lovingly picked her up and held her to my heart. This girl was a part of me, a wounded, or perhaps a grieving part, and I reclaimed her into myself as I dreamed. (Remember, although there are many helpful ways to interpret dreams, the final word is our own, we are the expert on our dreams).
The second dream, a bit longer, took place in a care home, but not the one my Mom lived in. The home and the staff seemed rather generic, and were unknown to me, totally unlike the Totem experience. In the dream my mother was dying, but then she turned around and improved, in fact to the point where she could speak again (she hadn’t really spoken for a long time). She was going to be sent to the hospital, but then I got the idea of “taking her home” for her last few days. The home wasn’t my current one, however, it was our family home on Lawrence Avenue in Toronto. I was helping her go home. There’s the full circle again.
During Mom’s last week, we all helped her go home, with our visits, our music, and most importantly, our love. Also, and this will no doubt sound weird to some of you, for several weeks before Mom became ill, I craved a pair of large, white, feathery wings to put on – not to worry, they were only going to be worn around the house! (You need to know that I have been enamoured of huge white wings for many years, ever since I saw the several part movie on television called “Mr. Pim” about a man in a small village in England who began to grow beautiful wings.) Anyway, as soon as Mom became terminally ill, my desire – my need? for wings disappeared. Again, I think it was a symbolic way of me helping her go home.
How the future will unfold as I find my new place in the world, I cannot predict. As I said to my brother last week after we left the lawyer’s, “It’s the end of an era”. He agreed.
This webinar is sponsored by Open to Hope/the Grief Blog for those grieving on Mother’s Day due to the loss of a Child. Open to Hope has been serving those dealing with loss for many years in a variety of compassionate ways. A couple of years ago Doctors Gloria and Heidi interviewed me about self-care during grieving.
Free Webinar-May 2 with Darcie Sims: Mother’s Day: Survival Techniques After the Death of a Child
One of the things I enjoy about counselling and coaching is that there is no rush. For how can we tell our story, tease out and sort out our truth, if we hurry? Sessions are meant to proceed slowly, to take on a life of their own.
It would be wonderful if we could pace all of our days this way, so that we have time to breathe, to ensure that we’re coming from a place of energized calm.
It often feels like I’m not moving fast enough, that not much is happening in my life, but if I look back at what I’ve accomplished over the past 3 months, it is considerable. My coaching partner, Jan, helped me see that in our session the other evening.
Much of the work I’ve done has been internal. After descending into that deeper part of myself, and just being there a while, I began to ascend and tiny shoots of creative ideas began to emerge. Slowly, slowly, each day, more came into existence. This pleased and excited me, and gave me much food for thought.
In the midst of my healing crisis, I always felt completely confident that this would happen. That after a time of slowness, of unconscious as well as conscious contemplation and processing, I would begin to emerge and the energy being used internally, to heal, would be more available externally for out-in-the world projects.
During the last 2 months it I’ve been actively pursuing new business possibilities through networking, enjoying my daily activities, my dance and stretch classes, coffee or a glass of wine with a friend once or twice a week and the ongoing weekly visits to my mother in her care home.
I believe many, perhaps most of us push ourselves hard to accomplish a lot in a short time. We’ve been conditioned to do this, it’s a societal thing. But we don’t really get there any faster, we just become more stressed.
It takes time for things to evolve, to yield fruit, whether it be completing our education, raising our children, developing our career, or processing our spiritual and emotional concerns. For myself, it’s important to remember how far I’ve come in a short period of time; I’m the same, yet different, beginning afresh with new passion and excitement for my life.
Keep taking your own version of turtle steps, and enjoy the journey.
I invite you to send me your stories about your major changes over the past year or two. Hopefully they will become part of a book about the current consciousness raising many in our society are going through. (All e-mails written through my ‘Contact Ellen’ are completely confidential.
