Ellen's book will strengthen and guide you in your role as caregiver to an elder parent or relative, and help you understand your own physical, emotional, mental & spiritual needs.Now available at
Selfcare Category
The last act I performed as a caregiver was sitting with my mother during her final days, helping her along on her journey, surrounding her with love and music. Mom passed away in mid April, after a fifteen year period of slow mental and physical deterioration. My duties as a caregiver have ended, now I’m on another journey, to process her death, revisiting her in my dreams and thinking about her at times during my waking hours; in time I’ll fully let go of the responsibility of being a caregiver.
Slowly, over a period of a couple of years, Mom began to ask for assistance, to say she needed help. It was a downward spiral as she struggled to keep some control over her life, over the small, everyday things involved in caring for herself. That was the hardest time for family and paid caregivers; as she struggled to make sense of what was happening her anxiety was high and she was argumentative. She finally agreed that she needed to make a change, and said she would try out a carehome that I would find for her. Gradually Mom loosened control as she adjusted and become comfortable in her first carehome. She enjoyed the attention of the kindly staff, and finally reallized that she would no longer be alone, as she had since age 53 when she was widowed.
Being a caregiver is a labour of love. But it’s a tough job, and sometimes it feels relentless. For women especially, it can be hard not to give and give until there’s nothing left for you. That’s why self-care is the most crucial element for caregivers. Part of that self-care is feeling assured that our parent or other family member is well-cared for, then we can let go a bit. After we put the practical things in place, it’s time to step back.
When we’re having trouble letting go, it may be a signal that it’s time to look inside ourselves, to figure out what’s going on, to do the internal work necessary for us to live rich, full lives. Many of us are in our role of caregiver for a long time, so it’s important to pace ourselves so we won’t burn out, to balance our caregiving with our other passions.
It took a while, but over time I became more and more comfortable with my mother’s care and with the stage she was at in her life, comfortable enough to travel and volunteer abroad several times, one of my particular passions.
The women I work with have dreams and interests that they integrate into their lives when they are also caregivers. Some are investigating returning to school, many do their own artforms…painting, folk art or writing. They move forward in their lives, with the usual bumps and hurdles along the way, with the help of their friends and support network.
We’re interested in hearing your stories as caregivers, how your life is, the unique ways you are able to care for yourself.
To support you on your path as a Caregiver & MidLife Woman we provide:
- Weekly Blog Articles: To receive them fill in the box at the upper right of the Home Page that says: “Subscribe to posts via e-mail”
- Surviving & Thriving – a Caregiver Group on Facebook -Articles, Tips, Interaction with other group members, Tuesday Chat
- Coaching In Person or by Telephone: Mentoring for Caregivers and other MidLife concerns (see above)
- Caregiver Support Groups - In person and future teleseminars
September brings the start of new things for many of us, even if we don’t have kids going back to school. It’s an opportunity for new beginnings, yet it may also be something that pressures us more than ever, a contrived date whereby we take off running.
Do you feel like you are beginning a race once September rolls around? Or do you see it as possibilities opening up for you?
I realized this morning on my walk that I was feeling a tad overwhelmed with the projects I had set myself to do over the next weeks. A touch of the virus that’s making its rounds in the Lower Mainland doesn’t help, or the news that I’m now officially hypothyroid, after years of juggling sub-clinically low thyroid with natural methods, or ignoring the situation! My mother’s freshly probated will, sitting on my kitchen table, waiting for me to deal with it does not uplift me, it re-introduces a note of sadness about her passing.
But as I walked through the warm, sunny morning to the Gibsons Post Office and back, interacting with a staff member who’s family is right now facing an eldercare crisis, I remembered a few important things: I live in one of the most beautiful places on earth, one of my spiritual homes; the spontaneous interactions on the street corner or in the post office, and time with clients, friends and family are part of the sense of community I have here, and that’s what counts.
I told myself there was no realistic need to stress, to make a simple list in my head of the 3 most important things needed today, and do them, not worrying about the rest. One call was to my doctor’s office to get help with my thyroid. I felt better right away, no longer in overwhelm, knowing I could proceed at my own personal pace, the right one for that day, and that there was no need to push myself, and no benefit to be gained from it.
I invite you to slow down instead of getting ready to run now that September is here. Simply tune in to what you need and want, perhaps choosing 1 or 2 small things you might like to add to your life to enrich it this fall. Or, and this might be even better for many of us, what duties or activities would you like to delete from your life? The latter might even serve you better in the long run in terms of leading a relaxed, rich life.
Read my article about the unspoken, hidden emotions that add to our burden as caregivers on my facebook group, Surviving & Thriving as a Caregiver:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/143593152384407/doc/?id=155166401227082
Change is the name of the game for many of us of late. My personal process is eclectic as always, ranging from formal meditation, to the occasional Church visit, to psychic readings from friends (I seem to know quite a few psychics, interestingly).
My intuition is increasing as time goes on, as is yours, I’m sure. I’m working on tuning into it more and following the subtle guidance given to me by my internal self. I do find the key to moving through this chaotic time is to to continually ask myself, “What now, what’s the next step?…today, this year, this very moment.”
I find the occasionaly psychic reading validates what I’m already sensing and planning, and adds ideas to my projects. This week an old friend read for me, and oddly (to both of us), said I was too detached from material things!! She/they reminded me the importance of having a goal, visualizing it, and fleshing it out with as much detail as possible, even including writing a cheque to yourself (I’ve not done that before, but have heard of it).
If I give it the time and space, the answers always come. Sometimes I know I’m meant to do nothing, to simply breathe, to walk by the water, at other times creative inklings come to me, plans for the present and the future. For example, the facebook group I started a few weeks ago, Surviving & Thriving as a Caregiver, has been a joy to me; the response of the women and the interactions available on facebook are fun. In the fall an in-person support group will spin off from this group. Other plans for the fall, after months of quietness and “holding the space”, are volunteer coaching work with people with chronic and persistent mental illness, beginning Indian singing lessons and possible other volunteer projects along with my coaching work.
Everything happens at the right time; we’ve heard that over and over, but that’s a hard one to surrender to. Now after my changes of the past year and a half, in my work and my personal life (death of two people close to our family), I’m ready to move forward in different ways.
Last week I began a facebook group called Surving & Thriving as a Caregiver.
To access it simply click this link:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/143593152384407
or search the name of the group.
Surviving & Thriving as a Caregiver is a group for women who are caregivers for their aging parent, spouse or other family member. It’s purpose is to offer helpful information and to give caregivers a forum to share ideas and support each other.
- Each week I will post an article about a different aspect of being a caregiver, to help you in your journey (see over page for 1st article)
- This group will offer you an opportunity to connect with other caregivers and to share your experiences in the comfort of your home.
- Future group plans include a small in-person support group in Ellen’s home.
- If you are not familiar with facebook, simply sign in, (it’s very simple to set up an account), then search “Surviving & Thriving as a Caregiver”.
Here is the first article, posted on July 6th:
Being a caregiver is often an all encompassing role. Even when we are not with our parent or other family member, we may be thinking about them on some level, consciously or unconsciously. It’s easy for our role of caregiver to expand so that it takes over much of our life, and that’s okay, as long as we are clear on what we are doing and why.
Caregiving is a labour of love. We often become closer to the person we are caring for than almost anyone else in our lives. We share good times with them, and bad times, when crises may occur. We may be there or on call for our family member most of the time.
This is why we need to augment our life beyond the role of caregiver, to give ourselves a break from the challenges of caregiving, to provide balance in our life.
I invite you to think about the ways you are balancing your life – activities like walking, exercise classes, dancing classes, a glass of wine with friends, gardening – whatever takes you away from yourself and your duties in a positive way really.
I will be posting an article each week on this group page and invite your feedback, questions and concerns.
You can read other relevant articles at: http://ellenbesso.com
Joyfully
Ellen
