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Selfcare Category
I thought all women went through an upheaval in midlife, beginning with the enormous changes of perimenopause. But maybe not. Or perhaps they simply never spoke of it! I never thought of it as a midlife crisis, or any type of crisis, rather a process of growth, a journey.
Now some writers are using the term midlife crisis to describe women’s drive for change during these middle years. More women than men report a turbulent midlife transition by age 50 – 36.1% of women, compared with 34% of men – according to research by Elaine Wethington, a Cornell University associate professor. I’m surprised the percentage is not higher, frankly, because women change so much, in so many ways, in midlife. There’s the hormonal deluge as the body reinvents itself as a non-childbearing woman, the social changes as families grow up, career transitions and simply the awareness that time is marching on and that we’re desirous of new experiences, of seeing and doing different things, making alternative choices and accomplishing unique goals.
Sue Shellenbarger of The Wall Street Journal documents dozens of heartfelt tales of pain, upheaval, rebirth and transformation in middle age in her new book, “The Breaking Point: How Female Midlife Crisis Is Transforming Today’s Women.” She says that as gender roles change women are increasingly experiencing their own version of upheavals.
Many of the women interviewed said they were changing and the old values and goals no longer made sense to them; they had no idea other women were experiencing a similar thing, however. A variety of studies suggest that women undergo bigger changes than men in middle age and some have a more positive attitude about their future prospects also, rebounding dramatically in the area of personal fulfillment at midlife.
Other women feel the stirrings of change but may not be clear about what aspects of their life they want to change or how to accomplish this. They often need help to distinguish what their passion is, as opposed to what they feel they should do, and to determine the steps they need to take to move forward into new endeavours.
We can begin to sort out our desires and longings, our likes and dislikes on our own. One good way to start is to journal regularly, to simply jot down thoughts and feeling about the various aspects of our lives – our relationships, career, social life, volunteer work, travel, vacation, creative endeavours. Be completely honest with yourself when you journal, you deserve nothing less. A qualified, experienced life coach can be very helpful for bouncing ideas off, processing through powerful exercises and helping us be accountable to our change.
Ellen Besso, Martha Beck certified life coach and trained counsellor, is committed to helping midlife women enrich their lives. She is the mother of an adult daughter and was caregiver for her elderly mother and a close friend who recently passed away. Ellen’s personal goal is to live and work in a spiritual, heart centred way. She is the author of Surviving Eldercare & has numerous articles published on midlife and eldercare.
As women, particularly caregivers, we have many conversations about our roles. We talk about them when we’re out for coffee with each other, on our facebook caregiver group, on this blog, in my coaching room; we discuss how to live expansive lives as women rather than becoming engulfed by our many roles. In fact, we could probably say all our self growth work is about separating ourselves, the individual woman, from the roles we’ve been designed, both by nature and nurture, to play.
I’ve been reading A Joseph Campbell Companion recently, an edited book of essays. Campbell, a follower of Jung, speaks of individuation, or become a released individual, saying that the aim of individuation is to find and learn to live out of one’s own centre. He goes on to say that this cannot be achieved by enacting and responding to any “masquerade of fixed roles”.
As we grow older, and hopefully wiser, I believe we also grow closer to the essence of who we truly are, that centre that Campbell speaks of. We’re often able to simplify our lives, as the things that feel unimportant fall away and we prioritize what really counts.
From my early years, when I was taught good emotional and psychological self-care, to my coaching trainings with Martha Beck and her focus on taking turtle steps, Buddhist teachings here at home and those of His Holiness the Dalai Lama in Dharamsala, India and the transformative quality of our time there, I’ve been evolving, slowly, slowly, as the Indians say.
We’re now living in a time when massive changes are taking place in our society, in our world. Everything from the economy to the environment, to our own internal sensibilities is shifting and we’re having to adjust to a new level accordingly. We don’t know yet exactly how things will play out when the dust settles. For some of us this seemingly constant adjustment to change is scary, for others the not-knowing is exciting.
For some strange reason, for many years I told myself a story about having control over my life, despite the many serious events that had taken place. I suppose it was my emotional/psychological protection to believe this. Somewhere along the way I gave up the idea that I had power over the major events in my life, beyond the obvious choices available to me with respect to family, career, geographic location, etcetera.
Our first few years on the West Coast were relatively serene, as we explored our new community and put down our roots here. Then things began to speed up somehow, and it was one change after another – perimenopause was a big one for me, then my partner went away to work in California and our dear dog became terminally ill immediately after he left, I returned to school and completed my counselling certification and internship and we moved to Vancouver for a while to work, then eventually back to our coastal paradise.
Through all this I became used to change as a constant state, rather than occasional life changes. This learning is a big help now as I make continual, small adjustments to the changes that come at me. As the world seems to be speeding up, my sense is that we are being pressed to let go, let go, more and more. Not to hang onto the things or relationships that no longer feel right to us…the jobs, the material stuff, the friendships, even the intimate relationships that no longer serve us.
When I try to analyze what’s taking place in my life and my world, I limits myself, sometimes I even grind to a halt. Taking time to simply breathe and sit or walk quietly is becoming more crucial. Call it what you like…meditation, being in nature, prayer, time alone, it doesn’t really matter…simply taking some time to breathe and to be each day brings us closer to ourselves, to our centre. Some refer to it as “the place where the whole universe dwells within you”. When I do this, that place of quiet calm feels very secure to me, and the noisy judgements stop!
The last act I performed as a caregiver was sitting with my mother during her final days, helping her along on her journey, surrounding her with love and music. Mom passed away in mid April, after a fifteen year period of slow mental and physical deterioration. My duties as a caregiver have ended, now I’m on another journey, to process her death, revisiting her in my dreams and thinking about her at times during my waking hours; in time I’ll fully let go of the responsibility of being a caregiver.
Slowly, over a period of a couple of years, Mom began to ask for assistance, to say she needed help. It was a downward spiral as she struggled to keep some control over her life, over the small, everyday things involved in caring for herself. That was the hardest time for family and paid caregivers; as she struggled to make sense of what was happening her anxiety was high and she was argumentative. She finally agreed that she needed to make a change, and said she would try out a carehome that I would find for her. Gradually Mom loosened control as she adjusted and become comfortable in her first carehome. She enjoyed the attention of the kindly staff, and finally reallized that she would no longer be alone, as she had since age 53 when she was widowed.
Being a caregiver is a labour of love. But it’s a tough job, and sometimes it feels relentless. For women especially, it can be hard not to give and give until there’s nothing left for you. That’s why self-care is the most crucial element for caregivers. Part of that self-care is feeling assured that our parent or other family member is well-cared for, then we can let go a bit. After we put the practical things in place, it’s time to step back.
When we’re having trouble letting go, it may be a signal that it’s time to look inside ourselves, to figure out what’s going on, to do the internal work necessary for us to live rich, full lives. Many of us are in our role of caregiver for a long time, so it’s important to pace ourselves so we won’t burn out, to balance our caregiving with our other passions.
It took a while, but over time I became more and more comfortable with my mother’s care and with the stage she was at in her life, comfortable enough to travel and volunteer abroad several times, one of my particular passions.
The women I work with have dreams and interests that they integrate into their lives when they are also caregivers. Some are investigating returning to school, many do their own artforms…painting, folk art or writing. They move forward in their lives, with the usual bumps and hurdles along the way, with the help of their friends and support network.
We’re interested in hearing your stories as caregivers, how your life is, the unique ways you are able to care for yourself.
To support you on your path as a Caregiver & MidLife Woman we provide:
- Weekly Blog Articles: To receive them fill in the box at the upper right of the Home Page that says: “Subscribe to posts via e-mail”
- Surviving & Thriving – a Caregiver Group on Facebook -Articles, Tips, Interaction with other group members, Tuesday Chat
- Coaching In Person or by Telephone: Mentoring for Caregivers and other MidLife concerns (see above)
- Caregiver Support Groups - In person and future teleseminars
September brings the start of new things for many of us, even if we don’t have kids going back to school. It’s an opportunity for new beginnings, yet it may also be something that pressures us more than ever, a contrived date whereby we take off running.
Do you feel like you are beginning a race once September rolls around? Or do you see it as possibilities opening up for you?
I realized this morning on my walk that I was feeling a tad overwhelmed with the projects I had set myself to do over the next weeks. A touch of the virus that’s making its rounds in the Lower Mainland doesn’t help, or the news that I’m now officially hypothyroid, after years of juggling sub-clinically low thyroid with natural methods, or ignoring the situation! My mother’s freshly probated will, sitting on my kitchen table, waiting for me to deal with it does not uplift me, it re-introduces a note of sadness about her passing.
But as I walked through the warm, sunny morning to the Gibsons Post Office and back, interacting with a staff member who’s family is right now facing an eldercare crisis, I remembered a few important things: I live in one of the most beautiful places on earth, one of my spiritual homes; the spontaneous interactions on the street corner or in the post office, and time with clients, friends and family are part of the sense of community I have here, and that’s what counts.
I told myself there was no realistic need to stress, to make a simple list in my head of the 3 most important things needed today, and do them, not worrying about the rest. One call was to my doctor’s office to get help with my thyroid. I felt better right away, no longer in overwhelm, knowing I could proceed at my own personal pace, the right one for that day, and that there was no need to push myself, and no benefit to be gained from it.
I invite you to slow down instead of getting ready to run now that September is here. Simply tune in to what you need and want, perhaps choosing 1 or 2 small things you might like to add to your life to enrich it this fall. Or, and this might be even better for many of us, what duties or activities would you like to delete from your life? The latter might even serve you better in the long run in terms of leading a relaxed, rich life.
Read my article about the unspoken, hidden emotions that add to our burden as caregivers on my facebook group, Surviving & Thriving as a Caregiver:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/143593152384407/doc/?id=155166401227082
