Ellen Besso Coaching

As women, particularly  caregivers, we have many conversations about our roles. We talk about them when we’re out for coffee with each other, on our facebook caregiver group, on this blog, in my coaching room; we discuss how to live expansive lives as women rather than becoming engulfed by our many roles. In fact, we could probably say all our self growth work is about separating ourselves, the individual woman, from the roles we’ve been designed, both by nature and nurture, to play.

I’ve been reading A Joseph Campbell Companion recently, an edited book of essays. Campbell, a follower of Jung, speaks of individuation, or become a released individual, saying that the aim of individuation is to find and learn to live out of one’s own centre. He goes on to say that this cannot be achieved by enacting and responding to any “masquerade of fixed roles”.

As we grow older, and hopefully wiser, I believe we also grow closer to the essence of who we truly are, that centre that Campbell speaks of. We’re often able to simplify our lives, as the things that feel unimportant fall away and we prioritize what really counts.

From my early years, when I was taught good emotional and psychological self-care, to my coaching trainings with Martha Beck and her focus on taking turtle steps, Buddhist teachings here at home and those of His Holiness the Dalai Lama in Dharamsala, India and the transformative quality of our time there, I’ve been evolving, slowly, slowly, as the Indians say.

We’re now living in a time when massive changes are taking place in our society, in our world. Everything from the economy to the environment, to our own internal sensibilities is shifting and we’re having to adjust to a new level accordingly. We don’t know yet exactly how things will play out when the dust settles. For some of us this seemingly constant adjustment to change is scary, for others the not-knowing is exciting.

For some strange reason, for many years  I told myself  a story about having control over my life, despite the many serious events that had taken place. I suppose it was my emotional/psychological protection to believe this. Somewhere along the way I gave up the idea that I had power over the major events in my life, beyond the obvious choices available to me with respect to family, career, geographic location, etcetera.

Our first few years on the West Coast were relatively serene, as we explored our new community and put down our roots here. Then things began to speed up somehow, and it was one change after another – perimenopause was a big one for me, then my partner went away to work in California and our dear dog became terminally ill immediately after he left, I returned to school and completed my counselling certification and internship and we moved to Vancouver for a while to work, then eventually back to our coastal paradise.

Through all this I became used to change as a constant state, rather than occasional life changes. This learning is a big help now as I make continual, small adjustments to the changes that come at me. As the world seems to be speeding up, my sense is that we are being pressed to let go, let go, more and more. Not to hang onto the things or relationships that no longer feel right to us…the jobs, the material stuff, the friendships, even the intimate relationships that no longer serve us.

When I try to analyze what’s taking place in my life and my world, I limits myself, sometimes I even grind to a halt. Taking time to simply breathe and sit or walk quietly is becoming more crucial. Call it what you like…meditation, being in nature, prayer, time alone, it doesn’t really matter…simply taking some time to breathe and to be each day brings us closer to ourselves, to our centre. Some refer to it as “the place where the whole universe dwells within you”. When I do this, that place of quiet calm feels very secure to me, and the noisy judgements stop!