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Feminist Angle Category
I thought all women went through an upheaval in midlife, beginning with the enormous changes of perimenopause. But maybe not. Or perhaps they simply never spoke of it! I never thought of it as a midlife crisis, or any type of crisis, rather a process of growth, a journey.
Now some writers are using the term midlife crisis to describe women’s drive for change during these middle years. More women than men report a turbulent midlife transition by age 50 – 36.1% of women, compared with 34% of men – according to research by Elaine Wethington, a Cornell University associate professor. I’m surprised the percentage is not higher, frankly, because women change so much, in so many ways, in midlife. There’s the hormonal deluge as the body reinvents itself as a non-childbearing woman, the social changes as families grow up, career transitions and simply the awareness that time is marching on and that we’re desirous of new experiences, of seeing and doing different things, making alternative choices and accomplishing unique goals.
Sue Shellenbarger of The Wall Street Journal documents dozens of heartfelt tales of pain, upheaval, rebirth and transformation in middle age in her new book, “The Breaking Point: How Female Midlife Crisis Is Transforming Today’s Women.” She says that as gender roles change women are increasingly experiencing their own version of upheavals.
Many of the women interviewed said they were changing and the old values and goals no longer made sense to them; they had no idea other women were experiencing a similar thing, however. A variety of studies suggest that women undergo bigger changes than men in middle age and some have a more positive attitude about their future prospects also, rebounding dramatically in the area of personal fulfillment at midlife.
Other women feel the stirrings of change but may not be clear about what aspects of their life they want to change or how to accomplish this. They often need help to distinguish what their passion is, as opposed to what they feel they should do, and to determine the steps they need to take to move forward into new endeavours.
We can begin to sort out our desires and longings, our likes and dislikes on our own. One good way to start is to journal regularly, to simply jot down thoughts and feeling about the various aspects of our lives – our relationships, career, social life, volunteer work, travel, vacation, creative endeavours. Be completely honest with yourself when you journal, you deserve nothing less. A qualified, experienced life coach can be very helpful for bouncing ideas off, processing through powerful exercises and helping us be accountable to our change.
Ellen Besso, Martha Beck certified life coach and trained counsellor, is committed to helping midlife women enrich their lives. She is the mother of an adult daughter and was caregiver for her elderly mother and a close friend who recently passed away. Ellen’s personal goal is to live and work in a spiritual, heart centred way. She is the author of Surviving Eldercare & has numerous articles published on midlife and eldercare.
As women, particularly caregivers, we have many conversations about our roles. We talk about them when we’re out for coffee with each other, on our facebook caregiver group, on this blog, in my coaching room; we discuss how to live expansive lives as women rather than becoming engulfed by our many roles. In fact, we could probably say all our self growth work is about separating ourselves, the individual woman, from the roles we’ve been designed, both by nature and nurture, to play.
I’ve been reading A Joseph Campbell Companion recently, an edited book of essays. Campbell, a follower of Jung, speaks of individuation, or become a released individual, saying that the aim of individuation is to find and learn to live out of one’s own centre. He goes on to say that this cannot be achieved by enacting and responding to any “masquerade of fixed roles”.
As we grow older, and hopefully wiser, I believe we also grow closer to the essence of who we truly are, that centre that Campbell speaks of. We’re often able to simplify our lives, as the things that feel unimportant fall away and we prioritize what really counts.
From my early years, when I was taught good emotional and psychological self-care, to my coaching trainings with Martha Beck and her focus on taking turtle steps, Buddhist teachings here at home and those of His Holiness the Dalai Lama in Dharamsala, India and the transformative quality of our time there, I’ve been evolving, slowly, slowly, as the Indians say.
We’re now living in a time when massive changes are taking place in our society, in our world. Everything from the economy to the environment, to our own internal sensibilities is shifting and we’re having to adjust to a new level accordingly. We don’t know yet exactly how things will play out when the dust settles. For some of us this seemingly constant adjustment to change is scary, for others the not-knowing is exciting.
For some strange reason, for many years I told myself a story about having control over my life, despite the many serious events that had taken place. I suppose it was my emotional/psychological protection to believe this. Somewhere along the way I gave up the idea that I had power over the major events in my life, beyond the obvious choices available to me with respect to family, career, geographic location, etcetera.
Our first few years on the West Coast were relatively serene, as we explored our new community and put down our roots here. Then things began to speed up somehow, and it was one change after another – perimenopause was a big one for me, then my partner went away to work in California and our dear dog became terminally ill immediately after he left, I returned to school and completed my counselling certification and internship and we moved to Vancouver for a while to work, then eventually back to our coastal paradise.
Through all this I became used to change as a constant state, rather than occasional life changes. This learning is a big help now as I make continual, small adjustments to the changes that come at me. As the world seems to be speeding up, my sense is that we are being pressed to let go, let go, more and more. Not to hang onto the things or relationships that no longer feel right to us…the jobs, the material stuff, the friendships, even the intimate relationships that no longer serve us.
When I try to analyze what’s taking place in my life and my world, I limits myself, sometimes I even grind to a halt. Taking time to simply breathe and sit or walk quietly is becoming more crucial. Call it what you like…meditation, being in nature, prayer, time alone, it doesn’t really matter…simply taking some time to breathe and to be each day brings us closer to ourselves, to our centre. Some refer to it as “the place where the whole universe dwells within you”. When I do this, that place of quiet calm feels very secure to me, and the noisy judgements stop!
I can’t begin to tell you how happy I was the other day, when searching for definitions of middle age, I discovered that the eminent psychologist Erik Erikson categorizes midlife as ages 40 to 65 (the Oxford English Dictionary does too). I, and many others, persist in saying we are in mid life, even though by many societal definitions we’re not; the media and census definitions being a case in point – (35 to 50 is mid age per the U.S. census folks).
Sheila Rogers, a favourite comentator, implies in a CBC Knowledge Network promo that she and others of our age – (60ish) – are in mid life, as I do. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it and now I have support for this line of thought, even an official Erickson definition I can throw around, should anyone be so bold as to suggest otherwise!
I know we’re not supposed to define ourselves according to others’ opinions – but hey – who isn’t influenced by the constant barrage of youthfulness we see every day in the media and on the street?
Our priorities do change as we get older, some things, and even some relationships, just don’t feel important anymore and simply fall away. I like to think that for most of us, the things we really want to do get done at some point and in some fashion. For me, travel has become very important over the past few years. Somehow the money is found and the physical, pyschic and emotional strength is summoned to do it – as is always the case when my spirit is called. A shining example of this is my eventual arrival in India ”07 after a thirty year desire, then the longer trip there in ’09, long enough to volunteer in Dharamsala North India, a transformative experience.
Keeping our bodies healthy becomes a priority for most of us as we get older; eating well, getting some exercise, processing our thoughts and emotions in various ways, perhaps coffee with a friend, talking with our partner, writing, dancing, painting, endless possibilities for creative growth and joy exist.
Although I’ve been saying for quite a while, I don’t have endless energy, but I do pretty much everything I want to do, I’m only recently making the connection I mentioned above – the idea that when spirit calls I rally and go. Many people I know have endless energy for their business projects – whether they be stunning crafts, as my friend Helene, a retired teacher produces, or business coaching and publishing an on-line magazine called Timefinders, like my friend and coach Jill Crossland. This is what they’re called to do, as I am called to travel and to write especially, and to support and coach women and men who are open to change.
So I urge you, don’t let our society’s emphasis on youth hold you back – just do what moves you – be you, undefined by age.
If you own, or have owned a uterus, chances are you experience guilt, even if it’s only from time to time. As women, many of us feel guilty for what we’ve done (and wish we hadn’t), for things we haven’t done (and think we should have) or a combination of the two.
These feelings may be just a niggling undercurrent, or full blown guilt that interrupts our sleep, keeps us from fully relaxing. Our guilt can relate to our kids, our work, our spouses, our friends, however, in my experience, in no area of our life does guilt “‘attack” us more than when it comes to our aging parents.
Complicating our feelings of not doing enough for our mother or father, some parents, coming to maturity in an age when most women did not have power, learned to get their needs met by manipulating, both deliberately and unconsciously, playing on their loved ones’ emotions. This exacerbates the tendency we often have as daughters to do more for our parent than we have the time and energy for, or, to be perfectly honest, the inclination to do.
Achieving objectivity about our parent’s needs and their care can be a difficult challenge. That’s where partners, friends, perhaps other family members, and professionals such as elder care coaches and caregivers come in. They can help us gain the clarity and objectivity that is often obscured by the emotional bonds we have with our parent.
I don’t know what I would have done without those people in my life. They’ve been available to bounce things off, to offer insight at times. My husband has been very helpful with his male perspective and I have my favorite nurses and care aides in my Mom’s facility, who know Mom very well and can provide loving, professional input from time to time.
Holidays are the time when it’s easy to overdo it. Our hearts are more open, we feel our emotions more because of what Jung called “The archetype of Christmas”.
Please remember over the next few weeks - we cannot be everything to everyone – something has to give. Give yourself the gift of a joyful and relaxing holiday season.
Imagine my surprise when I opened the ‘Weekend Review’ section of the Vancouver Sun, to find a report that a magazine called Mother & Baby called breastfeeding “creepy”. I was unable to find the offending article in the magazine, in fact I couldn’t find the archives, but I sure found many other articles complaining about the original one. I thought Dr. Ananya Mandal’s, called Breastfeeding a little creepy says a mother and baby magazine to be quite comprehensive.
I suppose we shouldn’t be surprised, this is really a logical extension of the sexual objectification of women’s bodies! But, come on, we’re not talking about some sexist guys mag here, this is a magazine that purports to support new moms. Dr. Mandal’s article says the author of the article, Katherine Blundell, who happens to be the magazines Deputy Editor, has been asked to apologize by a 600 strong Facebook campaign. (they’ve also complained to the Press Complaints Commission.
Frankly, I think that writer should be fired from her job. No one is saying that all moms must breastfeed, in fact some of the complainants themselves have bottle fed. That’s not the point: her cavalier, shallow attitude is not an appropriate way to address a sensitive topic; one that women give careful thought to. It trivializes it.
I guess Blundell is a product of a fast-lane society. But I can’t help but think that this kind of thought and this approach not only can affect the physical health of babies, but says something about the quality of the delicate and important bond between mother and baby.
