Ellen Besso Coaching

Ryan Malone writes from the perspective of a sensitive man unexpectedly thrust into the role of primary caregiver for his mother at age 33. Malone’s books, By Families for Families Guide to Assisted Living,  with an accompanying workbook and Your First Month in Assisted Living reflect his personal experiences along with the extensive research he did, aided by his sister, to find the best possible care situation for his mother. A stroke survivor at age 73, Lucy endured months of hospitalisation and operations before ultimately settling in the care facility her family chose for her, where she was able to rehabilitate to the point of once again walking.

Malone’s books are practical, yet full of heart. They are backed up by thorough research, including surveys of close to 200 families. He has a keen awareness of his mother’s needs and his sensitivity to them is very touching at times.

In his books the writer integrates an overwhelming amount of material on eldercare and presents it in a way that the busy reader, struggling with decisions about their parent’s care, can easily access the information they need when they need it.

The main book explains the many aspects of elder health and eldercare well, including  how to identify signs of physical and mental decline and what falls outside the range of acceptable changes. Malone takes us step- by-step through the process of researching and locating the care facility that best suits the needs of our parent. The many types of care are well explained and approximate costs of each are given. This is important information because there is such a variety of care levels and care facilities in the US, and adult children beginning their investigation need as much information as possible in order to make the best decisions. Care facility contracts and other legal information are also included.

The important chapter “Interviewing Administration and Staff” outlines the criteria Malone and his family developed to help them choose the right facility for their mother. I was very pleased to see that ‘gut feeling’ was included in the criteria because the atmosphere of a care facility is very important and this cannot be assessed by logic alone.

The tools and exercises that accompany By Families for Families are clear & concise and will help caregivers to clarify their situation. They would be particularly helpful in a crisis situation when emotions are running high and clear thinking might be a challenge.

Malone’s inclusion of the chapter “What about you?” with its accompanying worksheets is significant, as proper self-care can mean the difference between good health for the caregiver and caregiver burnout. Because caregivers often go beyond the call of duty, many of them could benefit greatly from being shown how to care for themselves.

Asking for help is part of caregiver self-care. Malone’s comment “No one will know you need them unless you ask them” is very true. It’s difficult for others to anticipate what is required. He also includes some simple, powerful tips for dealing with caregiver stress. Malone says we need ‘the space’ in order to manage stress and unpredicted life events. He himself re-organized his life and prioritised his commitments to care for his mother as well as himself and his family.

The companion book, Your First Month in Assisted Living,  is like an addendum to By Families For Families.  It offers important information that will help new care home residents adjust more easily. Included are sensitive topics such as interacting with other residents, when to ask for help, and what friends can do to help with the initial transition. I particularly like ‘Mom’s Tips”, part of Your First Month.

Written by both Ryan Malone and his mother Lucy Malone, Your First Month will speak to aging people in a special way because Lucy writes from her personal experience. It is also a wonderful example of elders being involved in the planning and delivery of their care.

The book has a couple of minor shortcomings in my view:

• I found the “Tips for Staff Members” to be out of context with the rest of By Families for Families.

• The story of Lucy Malone is a very beautiful and moving one and I would have liked to hear more about Lucy and her life. I found her story somewhat buried within the practical information. I was happy to read more about Lucy near the end of Your First Month under “It finally clicked”. Perhaps there’s another book about Lucy to come!

All in all I find the books to be extremely valuable resources for adult children just beginning or in the midst of assessing and planning their parent’s care. Many will benefit from Ryan Malone’s work.

You can access Ryan’s website, Inside Elder Care through this link.