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Archive for July, 2008
Are you a woman who takes on myriad responsibilities, both necessary and discretionary? Though some would argue otherwise, our biology may set us up for caretaking.
Additionally we’re often taught both by example and by explicit instruction that we are responsible for caretaking others. For example, I, born at the tail-end of 40′s, was taught to always put family first. I was specifically advised by my mother to “have a little job”, that didn’t interfere with my primary function. Of course, by the time I reached the workforce, all bets were off for that, and women had careers in all walks of life!
Often many of us take our roles as nurturer of others to such great lengths that it may be hard to tell where others’ needs end and our own needs begin. This commitment to nurture others, be it our family, friends, community members or co-workers, often means that there’s not much left over for us. Not enough time to be alone, enough energy or drive to exercise, eat well, spend time with friends and so on and so on.
In the midlife years we go through many changes – a whole body circuitry wiring according to Dr. Christiane Northrup (http://www.drnorthrup.com/womenshealth/index.php). By menopause our nurturing hormones, (oxytocin, which is estrogen-dependent) have decreased considerably. We may not even feel like caregiving to the extent that we used to.
When our midlife years come, the increased care often needed by our aging parents may present insurmountable challenges for us. Things come to a crunch. We may still have young adults living at home, or may be starting new projects such as volunteer work or school, or just looking forward to doing way less, and now our parents need more of our time. Or we may be sandwiched between aging parents and grandchildren.
If you are a woman who feels over-stretched by her work and her responsibilities to others, ask yourself the following questions and note the answers in your journal:
“What can I change here?”
“What is the story I’m telling myself that keeps me feeling this way?” (e.g. I must do ____ (fill in the blanks) because if I don’t ___ will happen”. How can you change this story?
“What are the feelings I’m experienceing here? (e.g. exhaustion, resentment, sorrow, guilt)
Next week my MidLife Caregiving topic will be “How We Change in MidLife”
My e-book on The MidLife Caregiver will be available through my website this fall
According to the popular ideal, a “feminine” woman controls or contains her emotions, body size, shape and reproductive system. And this particular control is particularly threatened, or at least in question, during menopause. Not surprisingly, one of the most common feelings reported by the women I worked with was that of feeling out of control.”
Lafern Page, Menopause & Emotions
Body image distortion has become a huge problem for women, and also for men, due to the way advertising bombards us with made up images of perfect people – perfectly slim, symetrical and beautifully made up! Models of perfect control. People of all ages are affected by this constant exposure..
Lafern Page’s research suggests that for many women self-image and appearance are pretty much interchangeable. This leads to a disconnect between the outward physical presentation and the actual body. Both the idea of appearance being self-image and the resulting separation between our bodies and our selves could certainly explain in large part the constant striving for thinness, and the extreme end of that continuum, anorexia. And when peri-menopause begins, with its often surprising changes, the loss of control is pretty shocking to a lot of women.
Lafern Page’s book was written over 10 years ago, and the media manipulation of body image has grown significantly since then. Even if we haven’t bought into the young and perfect look, when a size 10 model is considered a “large size”, (even though the average woman over 25 is size 12), we can’t help but look at ourselves and find something lacking. All that perfection makes us feel rotten!
Women are “supposed to be” – and stay – slim and fit at all ages, so as to fit the stereotype of perfection, (as well as for health reasons). And we as women are definitely not supposed to talk about our biological functions, especially the transition of menopause. Puberty is honoured as a biological and developmental transition and it is understood that young women (and men) need some time and some space to grow into adults. The same respect is denied us as women in one of the most significant changes we will ever go through.
“I’d given up, humiliated by my belly fat” - Ad on a menopause blog
Susun Weed, whose well-known book on natural treatment, Menopausal Years, Wise Woman Ways, has been reprinted many times, says that the years leading up to menopause are the time to gain a little weight. Yes, gain weight! Most women I speak to aren’t aware of this, because doctors don’t tell us, and the ‘how-to’ articles certainly wouldn’t.
Why is weight gain good now?
If we gain about 10 pounds in the years leading up to menopause, we retain more estrogen because it stores in the fat tissue of our hips, thighs and buttocks. The estrogen helps control some of the symptoms of menopause, and importantly, helps our bone health. Check out Weed’s article: Healthy Bones the Wise Woman Way.
The media gives a very distorted view of aging. Ad campaigns like Dove’s “Campaign for Real Beauty” showing women with all size bodies is a great beginning. Let’s keep looking for all kinds of ‘alternative’ representations of health.
P.S. Another link: Women who never saw themselves as beautiful as opposed to those who did
(see bottom of that page)
A caregiver is:
“someone who is involved in helping someone else manage the tasks of living” (A. H. Zimmer)
Parents care for young children, and adult children are often caregivers for their elders, who have become frail and more dependent.
There’s a wide range of what constitutes caregiving. On one end of the continuum we could place the person who lives with their parent and cares for them 24/7, while on the other end might be the daughter who lives on the other side of the country and hires someone to manage and look after their parent.
In the middle we could place, in no particular order, a son who looks after finances, a daughter who visits her mother regularly in their nursing home and takes her on outings, the daughter-in-law who drives her father-in-law to adult daycare, the daughter who hires and manages in-home care staff, and so on.
The issue of care giving and caregiver burnout is a woman’s issue as about 75% of caregivers are women. Most are between 35 and 64 years of age. Two-thirds have jobs in addition to their care giving. These statistics are from the Us Department of Health, Women’s Services.
The value of this unpaid care provided mostly by women is difficult to gauge, but is estimated at $148 to 188 billion in the US.
Many of our elders live longer now than they did when we were growing up. That factor, along with health care cuts means that women are doing more and more unpaid work, and doing it up to an older age. So sometimes we have young seniors caring for elderly seniors.
Many caregivers, (37% per the US census), are the only ones providing unpaid care to their loved one. It is a very stressful and demanding role. Many become so stressed they have burned out physically, mentally and spiritually.
It’s important that we get very clear about how much responsibility we are willing and able to take on for our aging parent’s care, and also why we are make the choices we make. The clearer we are about our priorities, the easier it is for others to understand where we’re coming from.
Next Monday my Caregiver blog topic will be: “Trying to do too much”
My MidLife Caregiver e-book will be out this fall. Watch for it through my website.
We met Mascha, from the Netherlands, in Delhi last November. She was spending 6 months volunteering
through an India-wide organization who’s President, Brig, owns the Hotel Prince Polonia in Paharganj, Delhi, where we all stayed. Mascha set up a website to publicize the plight of many orphan children. She also spent time with the children at the orphanage in a Temple close by.
I receive updates from her occasionally. This is the recent one, a photo exposition to fundraise for the kids. Here is the link for Exposition for the Abondoned Children, Delhi.
The English blurbs are on the bottom half of the page.
I’ll love you forever,
I’ll like you for always,
as long as I’m living
my baby you’ll be.” by Robert Munsch
The Sunday before last I was pushing my mother along the sidewalk in her wheelchair to Starbucks where we often go for tea. She can walk, but not quite that far roundtrip. On the way we passed a young mom pushing her toddler daughter in a stroller. We all smiled at each other. In the moment after our encounter I ‘got’ the symbolism of this encounter. I think she did too.
It’s a circle game as Joni Mitchell used to say. The mom we passed takes care of her little girl and one day that girl may take care of her mom. After this thought about the circle of life I remembered the Robert Munsch story Love You Forever. He’s always been one of my favourite authors.
Love You Forever started as a song, which came out of a very sad time in Munsch’s life. I didn’t know that until today when I went on his website. You can read the story there; it’s very interesting.
When we heard Munsch tell his stories in Belleville Ontario in 1989, Love You Forever was one of the ones he told. It’s about a mother who raises her son, then when she’s very, very old, he looks after her. He said that whenever he tells that story all the children laugh and the parents cry. Although it’s been years since I read it, the images are ingrained in my head. It moves me deeply.
In the circle of time parents look after children and sometimes children look after parents. Most of us midlife women do not have our aging parents in our homes living with us, but many of us are hands-on caregivers. Some of us are professional caregivers who usually have spouses, children and aging parents also.
It’s a challenging job and often a very emotional one to be with our parents (or other disabled family members such as partners and children) as their mental and/or physical capacities diminish over time slowly, or sometimes rapidly as with cancer. This new role is in addition to our regular tasks of work, school, parenting, relationship and other personal life. The additional responsibility is taken on as a labour of love, or duty, or a combination of both.
At first the additional commitment may not seem like a lot, but slowly, over time, the needs of the aging parent become greater. It takes a toll on us – on our bodies, our minds and our spirits. Our society has cut back on many healthcare options formerly available to midlife children, yet an overall, comprehensive support system, (for the caregivers as well as the aging parent), doesn’t exist in the community to the degree it is needed.
This means we have to be very proactive about meeting our own needs by taking on only what we can manage reasonably and still have some time, and more importantly energy left for ourselves. We need very strong, clear boundaries. For who will do this for us, if we don’t do it ourselves?
I will be addressing different aspects of MidLife Caregiving in weekly blog postings, including “MidLife caregiver profile”, “Trying to do too much”, “MidLife changes”, “Relationship changes”, “Physical, emotional & spiritual needs”, and What happens when our needs aren’t met”. My e-book on this subject will be available through my website this fall.
