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Archive for June, 2008
Are you in an abusive relationship?
Relationship abuse comes in many shapes and colours. What’s a common interaction pattern for one woman may be considered totally unacceptable by another. There are, however, clear guidelines about relationship abuse.
Many of us believe that abuse is confined to the physical body…if a woman’s not thrown across the room, it’s not violent. That’s not true though. The definition is considerably more expansive than that.
Verbal and emotional control and intimidation are usually more common than physical threats. After a period of time has elapsed in such a relationship, the implied threat of negative or stressful consequences is enough to keep a woman minding her “p’s and q’sâ€. Read more
In the Vancouver Sun this past Friday there was an article on bodysnarking, a term I was unfamiliar with. I knew women were cruel to other women about bodies and body image, I just didn’t know it was this formallized, I guess I could say.
According to the article,
“bodysnarking involves mercilessly appraising ordinary people’s appearances on a worldwide playing field that includes social networking hubs, photo-sharing services and blogs…policing personal imperfections…”
You know, this approach isn’t really that surprising given the tortuous pulling apart of women on fashion makeover shows and the sometimes nasty critiques on American Idol. Basically those shows, and other written media have modelled and taught people (who one could argue, are impressionable), to do this. Glamour Magazine has had a website page, called
Don’tspotting since 2006, that encourages women to criticize their peers’ appearances. (the pic of 3 very normal looking women is from dontspotting)
A recent television ad for Cadbury Thins (100 calories per package) shows a woman, with a shake of her head and a negative expression, discouraging another woman from buying a dress she’s trying on, because she wants it for herself. There’s nothing wrong with the way the dress looks on the first woman, but she trusted that the opinion of the second woman was an honest and accurate one. Consequently she didn’t buy the dress, and the second woman got it!
Whatever happened to women supporting women?? I wrote to the Cadbury company and said I thought this ad was going against years of feminism. In their first reply to me they said they had marketed tested the ad before using it and it had been vetted by their testers. In their next reply, from another department, they said the ad had been discontinued!, much to my surprise, and pleasure. I’d sure like to hear some of the other negative criticisms they received about it. They also said they were sending me some Thins for my trouble!!
So where does this leave midlife women, most of whom (I hope), have philosphies that are kinder to their fellow woman? We’re just as aware of the fashion messages, and for the push for perfection in the area of beauty and appearance (like in many areas of our culture). I guess a lot of us try to strike a middleground, of grooming and dressing (half-way) decently in a way that pleases our own selves…and not trying to look like we’re 20 years old.
On a more jovial note, I’ll leave you with the following quotes from a birthday card I just bought for my friend, who’s been sick for 3 weeks with flu, on the occasion of her 60th birthday:
“Doctors say that drinking 8 glasses of water a day helps your skin look younger” (Outside of card)
“But my advice is drink 8 glasses of wine a day and you won’t give a damn how old you look.” (Inside)
Friday morning I was privileged to be part of a teleconference with Martha Beck. We talked about many things but with all the energetic changes going on right now, I’d like to address that subject.
I’m always recommending to everyone, (including myself) that we take the time to monitor our breathing at frequent intervals and make sure that we take in deep breaths now and then. Eckhart Tolle talks about this frequently, my newsletter last week with the quote from US says the same. Most spiritual teachers are recommending that today. Martha talked about how intense the energies are that are coming our way now. She also advised us to breath and to meditate to deal with them.
As a bodyworker in the ’90′s, (a Trager practitioner), I became aware of the importance of breathing. It was impressed on me even more so during my kriya yoga meditation training. Breath is important…after all it keeps us alive! It fills and heals our very cells. Breathing is what allows our energy to cycle and clear itself in our bodies.
Keeping our energy moving and clear is most important today. Often energy seems to become heavy during perimenopause, and stays that way after menopause, although it’s not so up and down by then. Dr. Wang, my acupuncturist, says that women’s energy gets blocked. (I think men are dealing with their own decreased and blocked energies too, but perhaps in a different way). The combination of being midlife women, plus the intense energies around us now make moving our energy even more important.
Martha also talked to us about moving our bodies in whatever ways appeal to us so as to “become a clear passage for energy” . In this way we clear energy blocks in various parts of our bodies and let go of stuff.
Energy can actually be cleared very quickly if we allow it to and catalyze the movement with yoga, stretching, dancing, hiking, or whatever else appeals. Martha says: “Clean pain lasts only 90 seconds”. “Clean pain” refers to emotional pain that is the result of our direct experience of an event. “Dirty pain”, on the other hand, is the translation of the event that our mind does later on…the meaning it attaches to it. That can go on for years if we let it. My counsellor and group facilitator in Toronto in the ’80′s, Skip Perryman, said basically the same thing to us at that time. She called it “true pain”.
As you know I move my body by attending a dance/movement class several times per week. We work with our energy spirals, left and right brain balancing, and even our physical balance. Zeta always reminds us that our DNA is made up of spirals.
I also walk, and have recently acquired (for free!) a lovely used Raleigh bike with a ‘girls’ bar…just what I wanted! I’m considering taking one yoga class a week as I’ve had the urge to go back to yoga for several months now.
So whatever you can do to keep your energy moving, please do it. Think of it as refreshing yourself body, mind and spirit.
“All is well. You did not come here to fix a broken world. The world is not broken. You came here to live a wonderful life. And if you can learn to relax a little and let it all in, you will begin to see the universe present you will all that you have asked for.” Abraham
MidLife Women – Relationship Violence – are you in an abusive relationship?
This article was prompted by a conversation I had with a woman seeking coaching earlier this week. She feels ready to move ahead in her life. However something serious is holding her back. She feels there’s lots of positive happening in her life and also is aware of quite a bit of anguish (as are many of us right now). But in this woman’s case, 75% of her anguish was coming from her relationship… specifically her partner’s bad treatment of her.
Here’s what I wrote for all the midlife women out there (or women of any age) who are in challenging relationships:
Relationship abuse comes in many shapes and colours. What’s a common interaction pattern for one woman may be considered totally unacceptable by another. There are, however, clear guidelines about the subject.
Many of us believe that abuse is confined to the physical body;if a woman’s not thrown across the room, it’s not violence. That’s not true though. The definition is considerably more expansive than that.
Verbal and emotional control and intimidation are usually more common than physical threats. After a period of time has elapsed in such a relationship, the implied threat of negative or stressful consequences is enough to keep a woman minding her “p’s and q’s”.
A power differential is at the root of the whole thing;an unequal power balance between the partners. It could be material including finances or income, physical, or personality driven (i.e. dominant personality type and passive type). Patterns are often adopted early in a relationship that follow a couple throughout their life together.
If you feel bad in your relationship much of the time and aren’t able to communicate this to your partner for fear of repercussions, you may be in an abusive relationship. If your self-esteem is plunging and you have unexplained illness that could be stress-related, perhaps your relationship is dragging you down.
Even though women may recognize the mistreatment, we often don’t do anything about it or speak of it for many, many reasons for a long time. We are embarassed, ashamed, our loyalty shackles us and so on. Another important reason is that telling makes it real, then we may have to act and we may not be prepared to yet.
Women who are experiencing physical as well as emotional, mental and spiritual violence leave their partner many times on average before the final breakup. Some women experiencing non-physical abuse may leave sooner and some deny the abuse by not labelling it as such. There’s no hard and fast rule for this.
Most communities have services for women experiencing relationship violence of any sort, be it physical, emotional, mental or spiritual. These services give women and their children a safe place to stay. Many women never actually go to safe houses – they find ways to get the support they need by random or ongoing telephone conversations with support workers who staff the houses, or from family and friends.
If you feel threatened, stressed or abused in your relationship, speak up to a safe person. You’ll be surprised how many other women are experiencing similar issues. Our silence isolates us from each other. Isolation slowly erodes our sense of self and our joie de vivre.
c 2008 Ellen Besso
Here’s another article on abuse on the Homespun Healers Blog.