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Archive for March, 2008
My family and I have watched our mother slowly slide into an Alzheimer’s decline over the past 12 years. She (and we) are lucky though. She is still surprisingly present and engaged with life, even though she can seldom string a proper sentence together. It’s been a surprisingly slow decline, with plateaus after each change, so I guess that’s helped us adjust. But as I write these words now I feel the sorrow underneath the experiences of the past years.
In the past my mother and I were not close in the positive sense of the word. I felt criticized and dominated by her from childhood well into my thirties. We were kind of ‘joined at the hip’ though, in a sort of ‘co-dependent’ way, to use a term that has come into disfavour in the therapeutic world. In 2005 I was told by an intuitive that my mother and I had taken on a contract in this lifetime, which was coming to an end, to be over-involved, too close with each other. It wasn’t clear why.
Over the years our relationship has changed a lot. As my mother’s language and other abilities decreased, the tension in her dissipated. We became closer as she grew more peaceful. Language has become less important; eye to eye contact is the way we connect at a deep level. Somewhere during the process of her decline we began to communicate in a spirit to spirit way.
I know many, many women are in a similar position to myself and my family. They are ‘care managers’ for aging parents. When the relationship has been difficult throughout life, there can be complex, mixed feelings about looking after one’s parent…even spending time with them.
I don’t think there’s any easy answer here. Each parent and adult child’s path is slightly different from everyone else’s. There are resources out there that can help us, such as care facilities and paid visitors, who can take some of the pressure off.
On February 3rd I wrote a blog you might find of help entitled Extreme Self-care For Babyboomers With Aging Parent
You may also be interested in Laura Young’s writing about her mother’s recovery from stroke. See the pictures halfway down the page entitled She Really Is Cute and link from there to My mother’s stroke.
Life doesn’t have to be a struggle. Life doesn’t have to be a race down the fast lane.
I know, you’ve probably heard that before, but that doesn’t negate it. By cutting here, pasting there, snipping here, you can cobble together a life that uplifts you more.
Please take a moment to close you eyes, sit comfortably with feet flat on the floor. Now take a deep breath in through your nose to a count of 3. Hold that breath only as long as it’s comfortable. Then push as much air out your mouth as you can.
How do you feel now? I would hazard a guess that you’ve slowed down a bit, that you’re more present. You may even feel some stillness within and around yourself. Take 2 more breaths and let them out in the same way. Good!
Now, take a look at the list of tasks for one day this weekend or for next Monday when you’re back at work.
If you want to do more of what you love, ask yourself: “What on the list is absolutely necessary? What’s not?” Cut the bottom third of the unnecessary, ‘must do’s’ out.
Now ask yourself: “What do I really, really long to do on this particular day?”. Maybe it’s something already on your list, perhaps not. Possibly it’s something you didn’t think you had time for. Well you do! Paste this onto your list.
The toughest part of the above action could very well be giving yourself permission to cut, snip and paste the changes into your day! The logistics are really secondary. We can create more time to do what speaks to us – even just for a half-hour or an hour. (For example a single mom can trade child-care or hire a sitter for a short period of time.)
We all know what makes us feel good and what nourishes us as women…when we take the time to check in with ourselves that is! The small changes we make today will be habit forming after a short period of time. We are laying the foundation for an enriched life.
(PS – This one came to me me this morning when I was ‘in the flow’ after my Pure Motion dance/movement/energy class)
“If you wear blue glasses, everything you see looks bluish. If you wear scarce or limited glasses, the world seems that way to you and you think, emote and act that way.” Frederick Mann
This works the same way in reverse: When we wear abundance glasses, we view the world as a place where there is plenty to go around. We see our time and resources as abundant and ourselves as part of a greater whole. We give freely of what we have. There are many signs emerging that our society is shifting rapidly from a scarcity to an abundance model.
One obvious example is the prevalence of individuals who are doing volunteer work nowadays, whether they be students, corporate employees or individuals. Corporations sometimes even reward their employees in tangible ways for doing so.
Twenty-three year-old Carli Traver of Vancouver, British Columbia has taken the concept of helping to a whole new level. She now parents 6 Ugandan children who she met on the street each day when she passed between home and volunteer job. The kids are either orphans or their parents are unable to care for them. Carli has begun a registered charity and plans to start a taxicab business to help support the family.
Good business practice today means that real relationships are developed over time, based on mutual trust, liking and common interests. Many on-line entrepreneurs offer free courses and articles in a value-added approach to marketing. Yes, they are in the business of making a profit, but their methods are the beginning of something new. It is an ethical, honest and caring way to do business.
There is a whole new generation of programmers out there who work in peer consultation teams to make their high-level products widely available to the world at no cost. Chances are you are using some of their products. This open source software shows a new way of thinking about money and finding success.
All of these things show the abundant thinking that characterizes more and more folks nowadays. A critical mass is building!
Number 1 – Our Fast Lane Culture
Productivity, speed and busyness are the order of the day in our culture. If we don’t have goal for all aspects of our lives we tend to judge ourselves harshly or may be judged by others. We get into our routines, we put our head down and go through our days. Sometimes it’s hard not to when we have jobs, kids, homes, extended families and community activities.
Number 2 – External versus Internal Focus
An internal focus does not combine well with our culture’s goal-focused, speedy modus operandi. Taking the time to be quiet…to just be, or to walk in nature, or to meditate is often the last thing on our minds. And it’s the first to go when push comes to shove.
Number 3 – The Acquisition Mindset
At every turn we’re deluged with clever advertising to ‘help’ us acquire more stuff (that we may or may not need) to put with all the stuff we’ve already got (also that we may or may not need). Then the bills mount up. If we take time off it can only be for brief holidays because we’ve got to get back to work to pay the bills! There is, fortunately, an emerging trend towards questioning the western ‘acquisition mindset’ now.
Number 4 – That’s My Story & I’m Sticking to It! (aka ‘Yes But’)
Old habits die hard. Most of our thinking is based on composite images and stories we have concocted in our heads based on past experiences and our interpretation of them. We become very attached to our ‘story’, to our situation, to our own version of the ‘truth’ and it’s tough to change. True change does take time and effort, but changing our thoughts and beliefs is possible.
Number 5 – Fear of the Unknown
It feels easier and safer to stay with what we know…what we can see. It takes trust to put our faith in the unknown. To truly believe that we can live happier lives if we visualize, pray, meditate, or simply stop pushing is quite a stretch for most of us. We may give lip-service to the concept of slowing down, pulling back, maybe even take a workshop or two, but do we really internallize it?
Number 6 – The Big Business of Change
Services and products to help us improve ourselves and our lives are widely marketed. The good news is that now there are opportunities for growth that were formerly not available to us. The bad news is that many of these seminars, workshops, books, workbooks, mp3′s etc. proclaim that they are the route to instant change.
Number 8 – The Co-opting of Sacred Images
The word spirituality is very mainstream now. What does this word mean? Spirituality is a personal thing. It may encompass wide ranging aspects including nature, the body, ancient earth-based religions, as well as modern religious practices. But sacred icons such as crosses and goddesses are used as jewellery and to sell body-care products. Their meaning is diluted and becomes unclear to us.
Are you willing to suspend your belief system for long enough to effect change?
The topic for today’s blog hit me suddenly as I was standing in our friends’ kitchen a few hours ago at a Sunday brunch. We were all talking about travelling, and Don and I spoke of our experiences in Delhi, India.
Our first day in Delhi we took an auto rickshaw from the New Tibetan colony in the
northwest corner of Delhi into the Paharganj district right in the heart of Delhi. It is a real ‘working community’ of narrow streets and lanes teeming with little shops and street vendors, bicycle rickshaws, motorcycles, cars and of course lots of people. The weather was hot, we were hassled seemingly at every turn by vendors and touts (men who want to take you to a store in exchange for a commission), and all in all, it was an unpleasant experience.
When we returned to Delhi about 6 weeks later before flying home, we choose (somewhat against my better judgement) to stay in a hotel right in Paharganj. This was so we could make the most of our one day and two nights in the heart of Delhi before leaving the country. Additionally, we had been given the hotel name by a reliable source, an Indian man who owned a cafe in Varanasi. I figured if worse came to worse I could just stay in the hotel room!
Paharganj was exactly the same as it had been on October 7th, but curiously, I found that I loved it the second time around! It felt perfectly safe, even homey… not at all disturbing like the first time.
What had changed??
Only my thinking – my beliefs – and the story I was telling myself about Paharganj and Indian cities.
Changing our thinking and our beliefs is tough, uphill work often. Some people call it ‘heavy lifting’. Cynthia Sue Larson speaks about the process of disbelief and doubt she goes through when she changes a belief in the following linked article. I thought you’d find it thought provoking: Dealing With Doubt When Changing Beliefs
Another, simpler article on thoughts and beliefs was written by fellow North Star Coach Pamela Slim. It’s her March 5th blog entry entitled Are your thoughts keeping you stuck? time for some belief busting
