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Archive for January, 2008
I work with clients in all parts of the English speaking world. But I actually live in a very small, vibrant, ‘artsy’ community near Vancouver, BC accessible only by ferry.
I don’t consider myself particularly active on the community front on the whole. We did, however, live in co-housing in North Vancouver for almost 5 years from 2000-2005, then returned to the Sunshine Coast. I wasn’t wild about the focus on meetings there, however I felt a strong sense of belonging, of being part of an active, functioning social unit.
Yesterday I gave a workshop at our local library, here on the Sunshine Coast, just a 10 minute walk from my home, as part of their free January Health Series. My topic was Navigating the Midlife Maze – Body, Mind & Spirit Coaching for the Midlife Woman.
On my way into the library I stopped and visited with my ex-therapist from 15 years ago. She was so interested in my work that she dropped everything and attended the workshop. There were a few other familiar faces in the room.
A couple of minutes into the program a small, dark-haired woman entered the room and took a seat at the back on a tiny child’s chair. She said she was from the local newspaper, was perimenopausal, and had to fight for editorial permission to cover this event. She felt it was important for women to hear about the midlife topic. We welcomed her into our group.
The workshop was well received. Afterwards I wandered down to the art co-op to visit my friend who was working there then took myself out for coffee. As I began walking home I met another friend, out for a walk. He turned right around and walked me all the way home as he had no particular destination in mind and wanted to visit with me. Later we drove to the upper town for dinner, where we ran into more people we knew and listened to jazz.
It was a wonderful day of community for me. It helped me acknowledge to myself just how important it is to me to have that sense of belonging and participation in something bigger than myself.
Whether we live in a tiny little town or a huge city that’s broken up into distinct neighbourhoods, I believe we all yearn to be part of a community. I hope you have one that you can call home.
The woman I speak to and read about often say that they feel overwhelmed with their lives. Career, kids, partner, home. Where is the time for me they ask? But is this question really a call for change or is it a rhetorical question?
Could it be similar to the way many women respond to perimenopause issues? In the fall of 2007 a local retailer of women’s clothes called me. She told me she advertised a menopause support group in the newspaper so she could share what she had learned and help other women. But not one woman replied to her ad! She just couldn’t understand it because women were constantly speaking to her in the store about their issues. (This didn’t surprise me at all as women had not responded to my call to Embrace the journey of menopause, but that’s a story for another time).
We concluded (and I know this is a simplistic analysis), that (some) women wanted to complain about what was happening to them but not initiate change. Is it the same with feeling worn out?
How we blend our personal and work lives is a matter of choices. I’m not saying it’s easy. I am saying that it’s imperative that we give this subject careful thought. Because there are only so many hours in the day. And one woman has only so much energy to go around.
Where is it written that we must succumb to a grueling, joyless schedule? Is it true that women must put everyone else’s needs before their own? (think boss, coworkers, kids, partner, service clubs, church, etc.).
Listing everything we are doing in our personal and work lives along with amount of time spent on it and carefully examining the items may yield surprising results. If you want to take it one step further, quickly, without monitoring, rate each item from+10 down to -10 (with +10 being ‘I love it’; and -10 ‘yuk!’). With your lowest-numbered items you have 3 choices:
* Don’t do them at all
* Do them for shorter time periods or
* Do them less often
This clever exercise was designed by Martha Beck. I use it often with my clients. You may be surprised at the answers that emerge. And you will definitely be pleased with the time you have freed up.
Brenda Lautsch, Associate Professor of Business at SFU in Vancouver, BC, and Michigan State U professor Ellen Kossek, have co-authored a book called: CEO of Me: Crafting a Life that Works in the Flexible Job Age (Wharton Press).
It’s filled with tools for taking charge of and organizing a life that works on your terms. Their most startling discovery was that a flexible job (such as telecommuting, flex-time or self-employment) doesn’t automatically improve your work/life situation.
Lautsch was interview on CBC radio yesterday in Vancouver. She said that we have to make choices and consciously take charge of how we manage the boundaries between work and family.
The book helps people clarify their values and learn new ways to self-manage work/life issues. It also profiles people who have succeeded and gives strategies for negotiating change. “People have more choice than they think,” says Lautsch, herself the mother of a four-year-old and a 10-month old.
I guess that last point “people have more choice than we think” is what I’m trying to say here. So let’s think again before we just accept our worn out status.
There’s been so much press about Eat, Pray, Love, I almost didn’t want to read it. I picked it up once in a local bookstore and it didn’t resonate at first glance. But everyone kept recommending it to me and then I was given the book as a gift for Christmas. I could tell right away that Elizabeth Gilbert is very readable. Her writing flows; it’s like you’re right there with her. So I began to read the book slowly, first the introduction, then the first chapter.
Well, I didn’t relate to the long drawn-out marriage breakup. My breakup many years ago was quick and quite civilized actually. We even shared a lawyer, our friend’s law partner. But then we didn’t really have any ‘material stuff’ to divy up. Nor did I resonate with Liz’s meltdown when her rebound relationship collapsed. But then I’m the kind of person who tends to shut down and slink away quietly to lick her wounds!
I must say that I really respect Elizabeth Gilbert’s honesty and transparency. This is, I believe, what connects her with her readers. I began to research reviews on the book and found quite a few interesting and varied ones:
Rachael of oldmustybooks.com writes:
“Many years ago, I began a journey of self-discovery. I had just completed the long arduous task of getting through the legalities of a divorce. I was angry, lonely, and scared about what life had in store for me since I was pissing all over the whole “sanctity of marriage” thing…I wanted to experience the things in life that gave ME pleasure, and I wanted to find a sense of spirituality that taught me how to love the most important of all – me…I was given “eat pray love
backinskinnyjeans.com posts:
…Some critics may argue the book is a self-absorbed memoir. I’ll argue so what? We all have a story to tell and if yours enriches mine, then I welcome your words with open arms. Gilbert practices what she preaches: any self-improvement practice that makes her a better person will affect others all the more. Healing, prosperity and love on the individual level also has a family, community domino effect. I couldn’t agree more. Gilbert’s “search for everything” really boils down to the search for self and connection to spirituality in a very fragmented world. Eat, Pray, Love
Bookgirl of ifyoubelongedhere.com blogs:
…I think it says something about me that I loved, loved, loved the first part. I laughed out loud, I read passages to whoever happened to be closest to me at the time. Loved it. The prayer part? Yeah, I kept looking ahead, asking “So how much longer can she spend in India?…Can we move on now?” But then the third part, in Bali, bringing it all together, was beautiful and hopeful and touching. It’s one of those books that I’m dying to discuss with the group, because everyone brings something different to, and consequently away from, the book.
My friend Jill Crossland writes on her blog, Fabulously over 40:
Under least favourites of 2007: Am I the only woman who finds Elizabeth Gilbert somewhat whiny and self-absorbed? I’ve been divorced and traveled alone without all that sobbing and need to please.
And under favourites of 2007: I do like her sense of humor and she is honest about herself.
“If you could imagine the most incredible story ever, it would be less incredible than the story of being here. And the ironic thing is that story is not a story, it is true. It takes us so long to see where we are. It takes us even longer to see who we are. This is why the greatest gift you could ever dream is a gift that you can only receive from one person. And that person is you yourself. Therefore, the most subversive invitation you could ever accept is the invitation to awaken to who you are and where you have landed.”From Reflections by John O’Donohue – Published on his website in 2007
I was introduced to O’Donohue’s book Eternal Echoes by an acquaintance in 2006. I guess I would say that John wrote about our existence as spirits in human bodies. He understood the loneliness that we all experience at times, and the need for peace and sanctuary. He impressed on the reader the wonder of being alive.
It took me 3 months to complete my first reading of Eternal Echoes as each page of the book contained enough ideas to fill a chapter in a normal book. It is rich beyond imagination.
One year ago this month, my partner and I had the privilege of attending a one-day workshop with John O’Donohue at University of British Columbia in Vancouver. O’Donohue, originally trained as a priest, later became a poet, philosopher, writer and speaker. To many people, including myself, he was a mystic. Spending a day in his presence, listening to him speak widely on many topics and participating in his guided meditations was being in the presence of genius…a spiritual genius. He had the energy of several men rolled into one and an incredible zest and joy filled him.
We were shocked to learn from CBC radio today, that John died suddenly on January 3rd, not at home in his isolated community of Connemara, Ireland, but in France while visiting friends. He was 53 years old.
His death is yet another reality check for us…a reminder that life is indeed short, and very precious. It strengthens our determination to live our fullest lives, to manifest what we long for.
I would love to live
Like a river flows
Carried by the surprise
Of its own unfolding
John O’Donohue
What are the 2 issues that you find the most challenging in your life? They can be in any area of life, e.g. work, family, relationship, leisure. Or alternatively, they could relate to your Body, your Mind or your Spirit.
What would you like to read about in my blog or on my website? Send me your burning issues: ellen@ellenbesso.com and let me know.
